TIPPING THE BALANCE

I was talking with Lia in Germany and had to cut her short because I needed to go you know where cos of you know what.

I was feeling sorry for myself. I took some pills, went to bed. Woken up by dogs barking, yelled at them to shut it, and went back to sleep. Later my neighbour knocked on the door to hand me a parcel she had taken delivery of for me. Now I know why the dogs barked.

After my nap I felt better and I even managed to pick up dog doo in the garden. I felt a little to free 'n' easy and realised I was wearing just my nightshirt and when I bent forward my bits were swinging in the wind. I thought I did not want to make any peering neighbours envious and went back inside to put trousers on. Sigh. It really has not been a good day. I got my trousers all twisted and yes, I fell over again, only this time I took a while to get back up. My hips and knee took the brunt so that's them buggered for a while. I still picked up the shit though.

I forgot to feed the dogs at their usual time. I forgot to feed myself. Everything has been arse upwards today.

The one thing that has gone well though is my Schaefer 'Anne' yarn sock on the 1.5mm needles (yes that is right, 1.5mm). I am almost up to my heel turn and the needles are still str8. Amazing. All my 2mm and 2.25 are bent. At 12 sts and 16 rows to the inch, they feel really good, just right for cocks.

Perhaps one of you could come up with a good reason as to why by balance is crap. I fall all the time. Or rather I stumble. Indoors, outdoors, wherever, I stumble everyday, perhaps several times. I rarely fall as I am usually using two sticks. It isn't just the obvious, like trying to get up from sitting, or getting out of bed, or moving forward as in walking. I also 'go' even when stood still talking. I just suddenly start to topple. When I asked my Dr about this she gave me some silly age related story that over 30 we all start to not be able to balance so well! Bollocks. John is 62 and he doesn't do this. When I go out, I don't see people toppling all over the place nor falling. Oh and I am also very clumsy, I drop things all the time. I can no longer write and can't type proficiently which I used to be able to do.

I have arthritis of the spine, fibromyalgia, heart disease and an 'unspecified' neurological problem which the neuro explained was my brain shutting off certain bits because it was overloaded with pain signals, thus why I get confused and my stutter comes back and I forget things. I really space out. He didn't think I had MS.

Now what the hell is up with my balance then? And why can't I write or type now? My hand writing is illegible even to me and it hurts to attempt it and takes much concentration and still comes out crap. The typing I can do but not at 80wpm and not accurately now. I use dot be very good at two finger typing, no errors. Not now. 50 is too young for age to explain it. And my eyes sight changes from -3.25 to -2.25 in each eye every time I have them tested! The last time they were 2.25 in each and this time they were -2.75 and -2.5.This works out expensive. (and no it isn't the optometrist pulling a fast one cos I have used at least 3 different ones)

GOOD DAY

WISBECH

First of all we went to Wisbech. I had to put a cheque in the bank and that is my nearest branch (10 miles away). We then went to Poundland which I love to do. Got household items we needed.
Visited a men's outfitters called Robert Goddard where I saw some lovely red cords not in my size and John saw a very handsome soft suede jacket not in his size. He bought a shirt and I bought nothing.
Later in W. H. Smith he bought mags and the daily paper whilst I bought the second issue of The Knitter. I have to say I am impressed with this magazine even though I declined to buy the first one. I really like the man's slip stitch jumper in this issue.

SWIMMING

I didn't go swimming yesterday nor did I go today. I will probably go tomorrow.

DOGS

As I had not been to the pool for two days, I thought I could manage to walk the dogs. Half way around the walk, I found I was very tired and not very able to move my legs. I had no choice of course but to continue on home. I think John,( no I know ), had a hard time not being too far ahead of me as I slowed to a snail's pace. I hope this was a just a blip and not the way things are now. I have just sat the rest of the day and am now going to bed, knackered.

KNITTING

I have completed the front piece of the garter stitch raglan sweater on the Brother 940 using the garter carriage. I am 20 rows away from the first decrease on the back piece. I am really pleased with this so far.

As for socks, I have knitted up to the gusset increases on one sock and am not far behind that on the second sock.

My Aran back is also now knitted up to the first decrease. This too is a raglan.

DVD - THE TUDORS Series II

We are into the second series of The Tudors. This is excellent, truly. Trouble is they do show executions. Heads being chopped off I can cope with. Burning at the stake or boiling alive I cannot and I leave the room and block my ears until it's over. The guy playing Henry 8th is good looking, mean looking, sleazy looking and very sexy. Good casting I would say. The machinations between him and the Pope etc really shows how idiotic the question of religion and Xtianity is. Not only does the Emperor have no clothes, he never did!

Oh and last night we watched the latest MUMMY film. Greta fun. How come Brendan Frazer is so attractive when he isn't good looking? Nothing about his face fits, yet the whole package works very well.

GOD

I had a quiet word with the Almighty and She has promised me that I can have my own space in Her house, well away from the downstairs guests. Seems she hasn't much time for the loud-mouths either. Hates it when they speak for Her and claim to know Her mind. So She says they can jolly well stay put until they change their minds. Not a thing She can do unless they do. Whilst She waits, She has hinted that She'd like to learn the Andersson Heel. Oh, crumbs! KnitPicks or Addi's? Circulars or DPN's?

WTF?

ABUSE FOR JESUS

We did our shopping last night. A delightful black girl child smiled at me and I said hello to her. Like many children, I assumed she was fascinated by my wheelchair. This child was no more than 6 yrs old.

I was horrified when she started to proselytise!!! She wanted to tell me all about the Real Lord and give me a dvd. However, she didn't have it on her so would come the next day and maybe I would be there?

I smiled and said thank you and she skipped off to her father and brother, also very young. I wanted to beat the father up. I wanted him in court right there and then charged with child abuse. i wanted his children removed to a place of safety. I wanted him to see the great harm he was doing his children by forcing this fundamentalist crap onto his children. i wanted him to understand that what he was doing was evil. Of course, I did nothing, said nothing, but expressed my anger to John.

Later, I had to wait for quite sometime to use the disabled toilet. The door opened and who should walk out, all able bodied 6ft plus of him? Yes, the fundamentalist father. He gave me a look of disdain and promptly let the door slam shut! I guess his love of the Lord doe not extend to everyone.

DRUGS

I have a dilemma or an issue or whatever the right word is about my drugs. I avoid taking them. Not the heart drugs, BP drugs, stomach drugs or cholesterol drugs, but my pain killers.

I worry about the effect they have or may have. I can't figure out if they only kill the pain or if they make me mentally feel better. It is the latter than worries me. Let me explain.

I took a dose today because I have the dogs to bathe and prepare for the show tomorrow. Now, I had been somewhat grumpy most of the morning, short tempered, grotty. As I often am. An hour or so after taking the pills I am not only feeling little pain but also in a good mood. I just don't feel grumpy and grotty any more.

Now is that because the pain has abated or because the drugs are changing my mood? John says it's because I am not in pain. He says I don't look or behave 'high'.

I worry about it. These drugs are not paracetamol but heavy duty Tramadol. The pack warns of dependence. I approached the chemist about it when I picked up my last sript for them and her response was that I ought not be concerned as I was l unlikely to stop taking them as my disease is progressive so what did it matter? Not a helpful answer really.

I am used to hurting. What I don't like and am not always aware of, is my grumpiness. I become aware when I over react to a petty annoyance. Then I feel bad and think I am losing it to have got so angry over a trivial thing. I feel so much better when I take the pills, not grumpy. Not hurting either. You see my concern? Am I not grumpy as a direct result of the drug or am I not grumpy as a side effect of not hurting?

Then of course, I take the pills only when the pain is bad. Trouble is when I have 24/7 pain and I do not find it easy to know when to take drugs and when not to. I have got used to it. So I am often unaware of how much pain I am in. Until it abates and then I think 'phew', thank goodness that's eased off.

I am sure this is a confusion for me because of my ability to disassociate. A trick I learned as a child when being abused. Not new. Many, if not all, children who are abused do it. To survive.
Trouble is, it is causing problems. I went undiagnosed for years because I mostly disassociated from it. Not just that of course but also not having faith in drs and my main experience had been with drs that assumed anything that I complained of was 'in my head' and stress related. My present dr is not like that at all. In fact it was she who had to broach the subject of me being ill with me as I never mentioned it to her. She had watched me, the way i moved, the way I held myself, the way I spoke(at times slurring as if drunk), the look of exhaustion, the paleness, the sometimes lack of balance and of my clumsiness. She noted it all and eventually when she realised I was not going to bring it up, she did. She knew I wasn't hiding it or trying too. She correctly surmised that I had either suppressed it or was afraid to mention it for fear of being sent to a shrink. Once she did, I was surprised but went along with her. I went for the xrays, to the neurologist, the rheumatologist, for the thalium scan etc etc. Much to my surprise I really had physical problems and worse than I thought. It wasn't nothing after all. And it wasn't stress or my 'nerves' or 'in my mind'.

So here I am, off on a tangent again, wondering about these pills. Am I feeling a good mood because I am not in so much pain or am I feeling good because the pills make me feel good?

I still argue with myself over how much pain I am in anyway and whether or not take drugs in the first place. A lot of the time, I get around fine. Certainly in my home. I can't walk far with out impinging pain. But even my easy appearing movement indoors is done despite the crunching pain I feel or the deep aches. I move despite it. Another benefit of my being able to act as if. It is also a drawback as it can give the wrong impression as to my situation. Mind you, there are those times when nothing I do can hide the fact of it from me or anyone else. At such times, I am well and truly buggered!!

edit: I have never taken more than 200 mg of Tramadol in one day and have yet to take it for more than a couple of days in any one week so I am sure I do not get withdrawal from it.

Pillow Talk

So it was back to the Doctor yet again......

These spasms I get from between my shoulders round to my right thru the ribs are painful and wake me up. I go back to sleep and wake up again till I eventually just get up and stay up at about 4am. So have been getting little sleep and what I do get is disturbed.

I have been wondering why I am still tearful and why my gut starts up and why I generally feel like crap.

DUH!

A new drug to hopefully stop the spasming. That makes 8 different drugs a day now....who new arthritis was such a pain.

It has been slowing me right down re the knitting and I am not pleased with that.

And the pillow talk? No, I was not prescribed a nightly visit from Daniel Craig. But a series of pillows. One between my legs, one in the small of my back, and the one I use for my neck. I used this just this afternoon and I must say I slept well. But then I was knackered..

I will see what happens tonight.

Oh and something else has snuck up on me - Lui. One of the puppies. He looks like he is going to really good after all! He is very well made, beautiful shape and head too. His angles are excellent. I shall hang on to him now. I am going to take him to ring craft this evening.

I got yet another call, that's 3 this week, for the pups I have left to sell but yet again from w***ers who I would not sell a stuffed toy to. it's not that I am not getting calls, I am just getting calls from unsuitable people.