Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I was rather taken aback by the two posts that Mary Beth sent me the links to, the ones about abuse survivors having health problems caused by it. I felt quite emotional when I read the articles. I also thought what one of my commentators did 'I am not like this because of a personality flaw' or words to that effect.

Then it hit me. I have been dealing with my illness/disability as if it is a character defect, one that I must overcome. No wonder I have such hard time and always feel disappointed that I haven't cured myself. I have x-rays and scans that show I have the physical problems I have and a renowned neurosurgeon who says I have neurological impairment. What more do I need to give myself a break?

Yesterday was a good day. I awoke feeling that feeling which I have learned means I am done in and need to rest. I did just that. I did not go swimming. I did not feel guilty about it. I went to the bank when I felt like I could and deposited cheques. I knitted, watch DVD's. After a nap, I lead trained the puppies. It takes a few minutes for each puppy. Just put a lead on them, and walk a few yards up the street and back again. They all walked first time. I do this individually, no adults or other pups, just the one puppy. This way they learn to stand on their own feet.

What's more, I took enough medication for pain, was at ease with myself all day and asleep again by 10.30pm.I awoke just before 5am today, feeling refreshed and I knew I could go swimming today. I did and it went well. I trained the puppies again.

I had a workman here most of the day. He was fencing off the last bit of hedging in our garden. I wanted the hedging gone because it is not good for the show dogs' coats. John did not want it gone. So this was the compromise. The dogs can't get under it now.

Due to this I did not get my nap today. Tonight I wanted to got to a meeting I sometimes go to as I was particularly interested in tonight's speaker. However, it is 35 miles away. So the old familiar arguing with myself started. I eventually decided not to go. i made the right choice because now I am sore and I am tired. Going to the meeting would have sent me over the edge to being ill.

I also will decide tomorrow, when I awake, if I shall swim or not. If I don't feel up to it, I won't and I won't berate myself for not going.

Oh and Thursday morning I have a blood test at 9am so reminders Wednesday night would be gratefully received. My email if you don't know it is : apso at tantra-apso dot com

I think this new way of looking at my health problems is going to be much better for me. I am no fool and I know I am not going to get well and this will progress but I can make it a lot easier on myself by remembering to take care of myself and stop berating myself for having health issues! I can also see how I may even improve my lot by taking better care of me and resting more. In the long run it will mean I get more done. After all, I am no where near ready to give up those things I enjoy, especially the dogs and knitting, so I had better stop running myself into the ground.

I would not have thought I'd have so much trouble accepting days of quiet and rest as I do. Some things one learns can be very hard to unlearn. My worth as a person does not come from what I do but what I am. A Human Being not a Human Doing. How many times have I said that to others? Yet here I am, under the same illusion that my worth rests upon what I do.

See, writing on blogs really does do one good. I didn't know what was at the root of my self abuse until I followed my train of thought by writing about it here.

It is time I just let myself enjoy life and make it such a chore and pain by setting myself targets and allowing myself little break. No, I need to just accept that I can do as I please and I have nothing to prove. Oh, my, you know I just realised that I am still trying to prove to you know who that I am not a useless waste of space and that i am not a wimp. It is this that causes me to push myself to the limits of pain and exhaustion. I am still letting that bastard rule my life! For f***'s sake, I am 50! I dont' need this shit. Anyway, who the f**k is he to judge? A man who used his fists on children? Have you noticed how the most judgemental people are those whose own behaviour is worse? I used to know people who earned their daily bread by 'cheque kiting', using stolen cards and cheques. These people were very harsh in their condemnation of others. Believing in the death penalty and thinking muggers were the lowest of the low. It didn't once occur to them to wonder how the people they got their stolen cards and chequebooks from, came by them! Priests pontificating in the pulpit whilst feeling up (and worse) the choirboys or standing by whilst the Nazi's did their evil.


I have two pairs of socks on the go, one is Blue Faced Leicester and nylon and the other is merino and bamboo. Both feel wonderful. I have completed a garter stitch raglan sweater on the machine and am waiting for it to dry. I will then photograph it and blog it.

I am half way through another garter stitch sweater and am swatched and ready to go on a cashmere for John.


BammerKT said...

Wow, aren't you Mr. Productive on the knitting front?!

On the abuse topic. I just saw a documentary/tv program about a girl in her late twenties who had suffered some sexual abuse that had caused her to have an eating disorder and with the damage that inflicted on her body, a whole host of other physical problems. Does just knowing that help? I hope it does!

FuguesStateKnits said...

Oh dear Colin!
I am so sorry that on another level the sperm donor made you feel as if all of this were a character flaw - he probably inflicted upon you most of the physical hurts you bear today. A human being cannot sustain the injuries you no doubt did without some repercussions later in life. YOu are like the football star who pushed his body to perform beyond human endurance. Unfortunately your sperm donor did it against your will!
Fuck HIM!!!!
(well, ew, not really - but you know what I mean!!!)

TracyKM said...

I understand about thinking you are your pain/illness, or at least, the cause. Having chronic pain too, it is so fustrating that I just can't 'cure' it like you can a headache or broken leg.
I have also noticed, that the people most defensive about a topic, are actually usually the least convicted. We see this a lot in parenting forums (esp. with breastfeeding!). Parents get really defensive and angry about a choice---it's easy to see they themselves have doubts, otherwise they'd just be able to turn away and not engage.
Keep knitting!

joannamauselina said...

Re what TracyKM said - when I first became a vegetarian years before it was popular, many people thought they had to argue about it with me. It was my choice, and had nothing to do with them. This was, as you can imagine, very tedious. I felt that they felt that they had to justify their own decision to eat meat, hence all the boring argument and criticism.
I also understand about setting unreasonable goals for yourself. I do this all the time, and then am upset because I haven't accomplished what I wanted to do. Rebecca then points out that my goals were unrealistic, and I should just be happy to get done what I can comfortably do. That is sometimes a difficult lesson to learn - to just take care of yourself, and do what you can in the time you have to do it without self recrimination when you don't meet your own expectations.