Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Live And Let Die

I don't know why but yesterday I just got really fed up with hurting all the time. I went to the pool and I got in to find it very hard to move. Not thru pain but thru weakness. I thought it would pass off but I had to admit defeat after just 2o laps. I then could barely get out of the pool. That was the start of me feeling sorry for myself.

I do believe in all the time this condition has been with me, this is the first time I jumped into my pity pot about it. I also felt angry about it. Still do. Today is not much better.

It is getting worse in small increments. I knew it would and I know it will progress further as time moves on. It used to be that I felt much relief when I lay down. Now that isn't so. No matter what I do, I can't sleep more than 5 hours without pain waking me up. I then have to struggle to get out of the bed. By the time I have done that, and thought about more pills, it is a waste of time as I am fully awake so I don't bother.

There is not one part of me that does not hurt. Even as I type this my hips are singing their annoying little ditty despite the drugs I took two hours ago. My hands too are singing harmony with my hips. There is an area, right between my shoulders, where the vertebrae are tender. I can't move my neck side to side. My feet crunch when I walk. If I keep still too long, I hurt like heel and then find it very hard to get up. If I stand too long, I hurt, if I lay too long, I hurt. No matter which way I do things, it bloody hurts.

Worse is the weakness or fatigue. Recently it has been more weakness than fatigue. There is a difference. With fatigue I feel achingly tired, a tiredness that sleep does not remove. With weakness I feel okay, not tired, though my body will just not do what I want it to do. I can't open jars, or even a bottle of Pepsi Max. Oh I can do it it just takes much effort. Moving is difficult. Like when I tried to swim yesterday.

Today, I have not gone to the pool. I have two dogs to bath today. That will be enough. I bath Micah last evening. I need to think about giving the pups their first bath. I do enjoy this. Bathing the dogs is relaxing and is worth the effort and whilst I am doing it I forget myself.

Normally, I am able to push my body's blasted song out of my consciousness. Quite why I couldn't yesterday and am having no success today I don't know. I understand it it pointless to moan about it, it won't go away.

It makes me angry to hear doctors who are anti euthanasia say that no one need die in pain, that modern care and drugs stop it. BOLLOCKS!!! It is a lie. People do die in pain because drugs do not work in many cases. I know this is true because I know several people who all died painfully despite good care and drugs. I also know that my own heavy duty drugs do not stop me feeling pain. They do make it less but then my pain is not as severe as cancer for example. It really pisses me off that people think they have the right to stop others doing what they want for themselves just because it goes against an idea they have. How dare they? What right have they got to insist that a person die in pain or suffer complete loss of dignity just because they cannot handle death? Or because they think their God wants someone to suffer a horrible death. As for playing God, what do they think they are doing? What is life support? What are antibiotics? What are all drugs and medical treatment? Is it not all interfering with the natural way? Of course it bloody is! And if the Drs stopped doing all they could to deny the inevitable, their powerlessness over death, perhaps so many people would not suffer at their hands.

The thing that frightens me the most about getting sick and dying is the falling into the hands of the doctors. Losing control. Because of the current law and the attitude of these people, anyone facing a horrible death has to commit suicide long before they are ready to because they cannot take the risk that they will not be able to and then be reliant on a loving person risking imprisonment or be under the control of doctors who will allow the disease to play on till it's last agonizing note.

If one allowed a dog to die in this way, you would face prosecution. Yet we insist that people die this way.

How simply wicked.

( I didn't know this is where my post today would go. Please do NOT read anything into it. I am no where near ready to pop my clogs thank you very much. My thoughts on euthanasia have been with me a long time and recently have been on my mind a lot. This post is not a cryptic way of saying I am thinking of ending my life. Far from it! I want as much time as possible. My condition is liveable with, very well, and is no reason to end it all. I just have the hump with it today. And as I am apt to do, my writing just goes off on a tangent.)


fairy godmother said...

I am sorry that you hurt.

Iris said...

My, how we share sentiments on physicians, disease, dying and medications! I remember my step-mother dying in incredible pain, regardless of the "humane" pain killers they gave her. She was a "believer" and believed she was meant to suffer this pain. What a total crock!

I hope you feel better again today. It's not fun to hurt. My pain's not where you're is, but it's trying to get there.

Take care. Enjoy dog washing. Do they enjoy it, too?

WereGrouch said...

For most anyone who has spent time in the animal business, euthanasia is seen as a blessing. Even wild animals practice it. Yet humans are forced to suffer... I wonder why we call ourselves civilized?
I hope modern medicine has a breakthrough and finds a true pain pill for you, with none of the horrible side effects. So many of us want you blogging and knitting for many years to come.

BammerKT said...

I agree with you on euthenasia. I don't know if I would do it myself or not because I have not been in a situation with chronic pain to this point. But having just watched people, robbed of their dignity and in constant pain, it is very difficult not to see it as an option for them to have choice.

HunterXan said...

Sorry you're having such a time of it with the pain. It's a terrible and frustrating thing when your body betrays you that way.

I could not agree more with your views on euthanasia. I watched my grandmother pass slowly and in incomprehensible pain at age 93 with not a shred of her dignity left. The doctors believe her pain brought on the dementia that left her completely disconnected from reality and in diapers by the time of her passing. Nobody should have to live like that.

Pam West said...

Sorry to hear you are in so much pain Colin.
Is there nothing stronger the docs could give you?
My Mum had cancer and the pain relief was really good. She had a machine where she could press a button and get extra if she needed.
The medication gradually sent her to sleep over a few days as it was gradually increased - I'm sure that
the docs knew that giving her so much pain relief would gradually kill her and she died peacefully.
I wish there was something to help you and I agree with you on prolonging life with all the medicines these days. What is the point if the quality of life is so poor
My father is 89 and taking so many medications and feels so ill all the time from the side effects - I'm sure he would be better off not taking them and letting nature take its course.

Hope you feel better soon - maybe have a good spell for a while
Pam x

Yarnhog said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I agree with your thoughts on euthanasia--who has a greater right to decide than the person whose body it is?--but I'm very glad you're not in that situation. I would greatly miss you.

Denise said...

My mother-in-law died of pancreatic cancer and couldnt take any pain meds except extra-strength tylenol. Unless you've seen someone you love go through the pain I dont really think you understand. She didnt last too long after she was diagnosed because of the pain factor.

I hope you are feeling better today. And it's OK to rant and feel sorry for yourself some days so stop beating yourself up about it, OK? I think it's great that you can still do the things you do with all of your health problems so chin up!


junieann said...

Dear Colin,

Whitney is gorgeous. You groomed her to perfection. Lovely girl. The babies are exquisite. I would love to have a furry munchkin like your puppy #3. Congratulations on the win and certificate. Pink socks are great too. Valentine's Day is around the corner.

Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day. A better day.

junie~who hopes she spelled all the words correctly.

Nan said...

Here in Oregon, we have a physician assisted suicide law. I think the official title was Death with Dignity. Anyone who is terminally ill with a very limited time left can request enough barbituates to end their lives and the doctor can give them a prescription for them. Despite the hearty efforts of the Bush administration the law still stands.

I don't believe that I would ever avail myself of this law but I can't say what the future might hold. However, I do think that people should have the option without fear of retribution towards those around them.

What I don't understand is how some folks fail to see that there are some things that are worse than death. Endless agony while waiting to die is one of those things.

FugueStateKnits said...

Ouch - that sounds painful! I'm so sorry - it is a scary thought and I've gone there myself - not so much afraid of death, but getting there -and being a burden to the people I love. sometimes medicine does intervene way too much - in birth and in death and dying!
But I gotta say one thing - you admitted defeat after 20 LAPS????? Honey, I would be crying uncle halfway through the first!
Just sayin....

knitwych said...

So much of what you've said hit home with me, Colin. I watched both of my grandmothers die slow, undignified deaths (one from cancer, and one who lingered for 11 months after a car wreck). My fury with the medical industry is massive. (The first thing that pisses me off about it is that it's an industry! I want medicine to be an art, a passion, a calling! Not a bloody money-making venture. But, unfortunately, it is very much a money-making industry, and the few professionals who are truly passionate about helping and healing people are by far outnumbered by the ones within the field as well as in the satellite fields such as pharmaceuticals and insurance who are looking to make the most money they possibly can on the suffering of others.)

I believe in living with dignity as much as I believe in dying with dignity, and when you have a chronic condition, especially a chronic pain condition, living with dignity can be so very, very hard. I, too, have had days when every part of my body ached, regardless of whether I was standing, sitting, or lying down. I've dealt with doctors who seemed annoyed that the pain meds they prescribed didn't work, as if it were somehow my fault that they didn't live up to the marketing.

I'm glad you vented your feelings, and also very, very glad to know that your condition hasn't pushed you to the point where you want to end it all. I think it's important to vent; keeping all that anger and frustration inside just makes things worse.