Wednesday, February 11, 2009

How It Is

I have no idea why but I am craving sugar today. Or bread. Both probably. I hate feeling like this. Really hate it. I have not succumbed and am eating as normal but that doesn't mean I don't want to.

I am not hungry. I don't even feel bad about anything, as far as I know. Always have to put the proviso there as I know from experience that once can be feeling upset about something and not be aware of it!

Sometimes I think I crave to eat those things just because it's what I am used to doing to make myself feel better. However, it only makes one feel better in the very short term. Waking afterwards to memory of it is dire to say the least.

Nowadays, I don't purge or vomit so I have to stick with the damage if I do succumb. I won't.

If a magic fairy arrived down here now and said he could cure my physical problem or take the food issue away, I would choose the food issue. No contest.

I have been feeling antsy this last few days around food. I have eaten properly but have felt hungry a lot of the time even though I am eating enough.

This really hasn't bothered me in such a long time. I am perplexed as to why it would now. The way I feel physically, the enjoyment I get from dressing up and doing the dog shows, the sheer pleasure from wearing nice clothes and looking good and feeling good is what keeps me on the str8 and narrow right now.

I know this will pass. The sooner the better. I hate this teetering on the edge feeling. I also just plain hate feeling like crap which is how I feel. I feel bloated. I feel anything but comfortable.

You know, sometimes I think I just want out. I don't mean I want to stop living. I just feel like I need time out. Each day is an effort. Nothing comes easily. From waking in the morning, the struggle is on. It starts with just hauling myself out of bed. Not because I don't want to get out but because it's so damn difficult to get out! Then off to the pool. I enjoy it but it is an effort to do. No matter how much good it does me, and it does me much good. If I don't do it, I seize up and things are worse. I often long to just be able to lie in bed, curled up with a good book, and switch off. I can't do that. I tell you, it was very very tempting to accept the morphine script yesterday. I think in the back of my mind I knew it might not be a good idea as it would really be easy to 'switch off' with that. Oh I have diazepam in the drawer. That combined with the Tramadol would switch me off. But I don't do it. It's not what i want. I don't' want to switch off. I just want to feel comfortable. I want to lie down and read my book and be lost in it, not having to move constantly, to not be aware of my damned body the whole time. Even when asleep I have to wake up just to change position. No rolling over in slumber.

Writing here takes me down roads I didn't know were there. I didn't know when I started to write that I would end up talking about how uncomfortable I am physically all the time nor about the daily effort it takes (and that voice telling me to quit whining can go f**k itself. I know who it is and he can go to hell).

Okay, so now I am more aware of my body. I don't know if I can explain this in an understandable way. If you have weight trained or spent time lifting stuff when you are not used to it then you will have an idea of how my body feels all the time. And that is without the snap, crackle and pop of my joints. As I sit and type, I am aware of every tap my fingers make because it hurts. They hurt. They burn. My hips are sore and the pain travels down both legs. This is why I move all the time.

I am so used to pain, that I often give the impression of not being in any. Only John really can tell. Just like when I tried to tell people in the past about by psychic pain, people disbelieved because I showed no emotion when telling of awful happenings. Same now. My GP knows I guess because she had seen me for 10 years and knows what to look for and because I trust her, I can let her see my pain, be it physical or psychic.

I couldn't do that when young. My pain was never seen or recognized and if I dared show it, I was mocked, dismissed or treated with utter disgust. Feeling pain is a source of shame for me. I was shamed to the core for feeling pain.

I still feel that. Writing this, that voice is there telling me to delete, delete, delete. I hear can hear the disgust, the mocking tone, the shame.

This is partly why I was so shocked to be offered morphine. Is my pain really that strong? My reaction was this was rather over egging the pudding. Yet I hadn't said about the night pain in desperation, I said it almost in passing. I don't know, those who know me well say my face and body say what my mouth won't.

I tend to believe whatever anyone tells me. I know what it is like to be told something truly terrible by a person who is saying it with no emotion, or almost as if they are smiling. I know it means they have dissociated. I know it doesn't mean they are lying. That is of course the easier thing to think for any listener. I know that these awful things that happen to people, to children, we don't want to believe. I know they do happen.

Anyway, being stoic and uncomplaining is not the way I am all the time. Trouble is there is **** all I can do about the pain and discomfort. I am aware of that. Okay, so yes, I can lessen the pain much, thank fully with the pills. Not the discomfort though. No drug can give me that comfortable feeling, where i can lie and read or sit and watch TV and concentrate on that and not move. No, they will only knock me out of a while and that isn't what I'd like.

I had though doing my TM would bring the comfort I mean but alas I can't keep still long enough for that! I still get a mental relaxation from it but my body still hurts and forces me to move.

I sometimes wonder if today's problems are the result of me starving myself for so many years and also of living tight as a drum for so many years, hypervigilant, always on the look out, always on guard, always watching for the next blow.


Cyndi in BC said...

So many of your posts could have been written by me. I know exactly what you're talking about and it's very hard to put into words.

I did try the morphine a few years ago and it was wonderful, no pain... also no motivation and lots of sleeping. After two weeks, the doc and I decided that wasn't such a good idea after all. Looking back, I call it my two week vacation from pain. :)

Now I use just enough pain medication to take the edge off and still remain alert. But, like you, some days are harder than others. Thank you for sharing, it helps me more than you'll ever know! :)

FugueStateKnits said...

Colin - I am sorry about the pain issue - cannot imagine what you go through! Cyndi in BC seems to have a sensible plan, but I am not one to advise on that.
On the cravings: I wonder if you are getting sugar in your diet without knowing it. Have you switched brands of something? Sometimes there are carbs - even sugar - hidden in what we would normally expect to be no- or low-carb food (ham, peanut butter, etc.)Sugar is addictive. When you get a little -even if you don't realize it - it can be an insidious thing. Believe me, I know!

Nan said...

I understand what you mean about having psychic pain and not showing emotion around it. I found it easier to blame myself and pretend it didn't effect me. Sure enough, it kept rearing its ugly head for years until I finally looked at it and wrestled to the ground. It didn't help that the first two people I told about it gave me any acknowledgment or empathy. And those were the two people who should have cared the most. My inner pain made others SO uncomfortable to I kept my mouth shut and pretended that it didn't bother me. Mercifully, I have dealt with it and, while it will never go away completely, it does say manageable.

Please don't worry about "whining". Pain is pain and it is your story. You have a right to share it if you like. If someone doesn't want to know about it, they can just not comment.

Macy in Buffalo NY said...

Colin, like Cyndi said, MANY of your posts could be written by me.

You are not whining, you are sharing valid feelings you have about pain, medication, effects, background, and other things that are very difficult to put into words, especially in a two-dimensional blog post. I have more than enough trouble formulating anything CLOSE to this when I actually sit across from my real-life counselor!

Because I attempted suicide last year with some of my "emergency Lortabs" that I had hidden away, the docs will NOT prescribe ANY narcotic meds at all for me. I take 6 Tramadol a day, and they're as useful as Tic-Tac candies. I'm in a better emotional place now, thanks to a psychiatrist who actually gave a damn and explored alternatives to the simple major depression diagnosis I carried for the last 20 years. It doesn't matter. I've been "labeled" an abuser, so I don't know if anyone will ever up the level of my pain meds, even as the pain increases.

When it became absolutely necessary for my mental AND physical health as well as for my family life several months ago, my DH moderated my personal "vacation from pain" Cyndi mentioned, with rigid control over the remaining Lortabs. I did lots of sleeping, lots of healing and absolutely NOTHING else. It helped. I felt better.

Some days are still harder than others, but people like you who share their ups&downs, their struggles and their successes give me a window outside my self to a brighter world, where it's not all about the pain, but about living instead. Thank you so very much for that.

Hawaika said...

Hi Colin from beautiful British Columbia, Canada!

I just wanted to pop in and give you some advice. You can take it or leave it, it's entirely up to you.

First off, I want to say I know what you're going through in regards to being abused as a child. I was abused by my stepfather for about 5 years (guessing) and yes, it has left emotional scars, but in the long run, it made me a tougher person (don't know if that was a good thing or bad). Unfortunately these things happen to people, but we must move on. I made it up in my mind that I wasn't going to let that ruin my life as it is MY life, not his. I didn't want to give him my power. Enough about that.

Second thing I wanted to mention was that you said you were craving sugar and bread. That is a symptom of yeast overgrowth, which could be contributing to your pain. I'm sorry I don't know why you're in pain as I haven't read all of your posts. If you can, go see a naturopathic doctor. They will help your body get rid of the toxins it seems to have accumulated and you will start to feel better. Here in Canada a visit to an ND is covered under most health care plans, but I don't know about the UK. I want you to get better Colin as I enjoy your pictures and posts about your puppies. They are so adorable! I hate to see/read about people suffering.

Anyways, I must run and get some work done, but don't stop posting Colin! Keep your chin up and smile!
Have a great day!