Monday, October 26, 2009

A STEP BACK

I felt very angry this morning. I went for my swim and I swam as fast and as long as I could. I could feel my anger dissipating as I swam. Or rather the energy going.

I feel unsafe again. Like the rug has been pulled out from under me. My trust in John has gone. I am sorting this mess out but don't worry still that he isn't telling the whole truth. I cannot see how he can be taken to court and be found against without him knowing anything about it. He insists he doesn't know and didn't know. It seems the first he knew about was when I told him. Yet the judgement against him was in April 08. How could they do that without issuing a summons? Also, why has nothing happened since? No demands, no bailiffs. Nothing.

Every time the telephone rings I jump. My stomach lurches when I see post. I jump when the door gets knocked on. (Why oh why do people ignore my sign. NO Salespeople, NO Canvassers, NO Religious Hawkers.)
I am having night terrors again which have me up and out of bed. I don't recall the scenario, just waking up not in bed. Needless to say my gut is not good.I am pissed off with myself. I hate it that all my old PTSD shit comes back when stuff happens.


I am putting more yarn up on Ebay. I am itching to get on the machines and make some sweaters out of the beautiful yarn I have. I do not intend to sell it all.
My visiting bitch turns out to be very well behaved and sweet natured but she isn't in the mood for shagging. Luque seems happy enough, he knows she isn't ready yet. She eats like a pig, gone in seconds and she snores! I didn't realise it until she was here but she is the grandmother of James, Carly and Bridget though no relation to Luque.


Carly Simon's new album, NEVER BEEN GONE, ought to be coming through my letter box tomorrow. Carly is 64 now. I am glad she is still recording.

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