Saturday, October 17, 2009


Of course I know there was no malicious intent in this Tax avoidance thing. However, trust is a huge issue with me and this is very difficult to get my head around. If it was the result of addiction I'd get it. That makes sense to me. Believing that the tax man will leave you alone if you ignore his letters makes no sense to me.

I now realise what enormous stress he has been under. every time I have asked what the matter is, I have been told nothing, or stop nagging, or some such thing. I have KNOWN for a long time that things were not right and I believed the answers that it was work. Rather I didn't believe it but couldn't figure out what it could be. Now I know.

This morning, that day after arranging a tax specialist to take over this aspect of our lives, I awoke with a jolt. Within in ten minutes I had left he house to go an swim. I did a hard fast swim. Came home, got my hair cut and went to the Travel Agent to ask about cruises. Honestly, just what do they do these people? Couldn't answer my questions and tried to foist two large cruse catalogues on to me which I clearly wasn't going to be able to carry since I had walking stick in each hand.

I came home, ate, and then bathed Whitney. After I had done her, I trashed the house. Before I had done too much damage, I was collapsed on the kitchen floor binging my guts up. No not vomiting but purging the pain. I have known for a while now that intense fear means that I am going to cry and cry the sort of crying that hurts and sounds way off like an animal of some kind rather than me.
Just before this happens I am in a state of high panic and it is during this phase I am unpredictable and that makes my panic worse. 

John happened to call and heard the full force of it and what his actions have made me feel. He has always been my rock and I needed him right then but as he was the cause of the pain, I felt I had no one to help me deal with it. I felt really alone.
He said things to me that he has never ever said before - about his feelings, specifically for me. I was quite shocked to hear he feels about me the way I feel about him.

Although today took me by surprise, I am not so surprised it happened. I had been calm Wednesday and Thursday whilst finding out how to deal with it. I might have known a storm was on the horizon. It's over now and I feel calm again. 

With the words that have passed between us both, I think we both have a far better understanding of the feelings of the other and this is growth. A good thing. I am still reeling from discovering that he sees me as 'home' too, that he feels about me the way I feel about him. I didn't know that. I think I thought he was with me because he is kind and he wanted to support me in my endeavour to recover from my past.

I am tired, exhausted but feel better. Hopefully, now that this is getting sorted, John will begin to feel better and that will show. Surely the loss of this stress is going to make a good difference? He doesn't have to hide anything anymore and doesn't have to worry about losing everything.

I am baffled by this turn of events. I would prefer to understand it, which I don't. I do know that it is not because John is bad or otherwise deficient. He just has this block when it comes to officialdom and finances. In case I haven't said, I take taken all the financial decisions and I have full control over his salary, the cards, the bank accounts and have done ever since he took on a mortgage and I found out them that he was penniless despite his very good salary. I got caught out on this tax thing because he he hadn't had any tax papers sent here to his house so I never saw any of it. I have always left the flat before any mail arrives and that is where the tax stuff was going.

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