I finished watching Heroes 2 and I think I get what is going on now. I have started on Brothers and Sisters 3 now. Gosh, the actress who plays Holly certainly plays bitch very well.
I am feeling good inside myself. I am anxious to get this tax business sorted but I am at least not anxious about my relationship with John anymore.
For me, it is like the hardened layers of crap have been slowly chipped away from me. Very painful but worth it. The removal of each layer has been excruciating and necessarily slow but as it has been removed I have become lighter and lighter until finally I am shiny and new(if somewhat old!).
I understand why the healing I needed could not happen over night. It would have killed me. Seriously. Unless one has been through it, one would have no inkling of how painful it is. Physically so, not just psychically. It astounded me. It still does. I am amazed that I have survived physically and mentally. Where I am now is certainly not where I dreamt I'd be.
I had no dreams growing up. Just to get away. Later, in my teens, I just wanted what I have now. To know I am loved and to love someone else. I never had any plans other than that. I was too busy coping. Despite the ways I coped, the eating disorder, the self harm, the mania, the agoraphobia, the OCD, I did cope and for long enough to find my way here with most of those coping mechanisms fallen by the wayside as unneeded.
Knowing I worked really hard and knowing how much I suffered to get here doesn't stop me realising just how lucky I am to be here.