Wednesday, October 21, 2009

RAINY DAYS

It has been raining since I awoke. I did not swim and had planned to walk the dogs, hence no swim. The rain put out that idea.

I posted my Ebay stuff off to their buyers and whilst doing so, be left knee went. How and why I don't know but gosh it hurts. Trying to get back to the car was hard and getting in even worse. i seriously worried if I would be able to depress my clutch. I did and got back home okay. Taken pills and it seems okay now. I hope it stays so because otherwise I shall have to get someone else to move Whitney in the ring for on Friday and I don't know if she will take kindly to that. She is a one man dog.

I finished watching Heroes 2 and I think I get what is going on now. I have started on Brothers and Sisters 3 now. Gosh, the actress who plays Holly certainly plays bitch very well.

Two waistcoats arrived today. These are made with material I bought off Ebay. I am very pleased with them.

I am feeling good inside myself. I am anxious to get this tax business sorted but I am at least not anxious about my relationship with John anymore. 
After almost 29 years, I know and believe he loves me. I have never felt this before, really knowing I am loved. It is a nice feeling. It makes me feel secure. Oh I know being loved won't stop bad stuff happening. I can't explain it but perhaps I don't need to explain as I am pretty sure this is not a new feeling to most others. I am 51 in December and this is the first time I have felt loved and known it to be true. Life really does begin at 40 and gets even better at 50. 

This last decade has brought about a transformation with in me. I would say if it is like being born again, and I am sure that is what is meant by that saying, not the idiotic way most people use it especially when they have no clue. 

For me, it is like the hardened layers of crap have been slowly chipped away from me. Very painful but worth it. The removal of each layer has been excruciating and necessarily slow but as it has been removed I have become lighter and lighter until finally I am shiny and new(if somewhat old!).

I understand why the healing I needed could not happen over night. It would have killed me. Seriously. Unless one has been through it, one would have no inkling of how painful it is. Physically so, not just psychically. It astounded me. It still does. I am amazed that I have survived physically and mentally. Where I am now is certainly not where I dreamt I'd be.
I had no dreams growing up. Just to get away. Later, in my teens, I just wanted what I have now. To know I am loved and to love someone else. I never had any plans other than that. I was too busy coping. Despite the ways I coped, the eating disorder, the self harm, the mania, the agoraphobia, the OCD, I did cope and for long enough to find my way here with most of those coping mechanisms fallen by the wayside as unneeded.

Knowing I worked really hard and knowing how much I suffered to get here doesn't stop me realising just how lucky I am to be here.
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