Saturday, January 12, 2008

Saturday Morning

I have had three phone calls from a woman wanting one of the puppies. I didn't feel happy with her from the beginning but she did appear nice if somewhat indecisive. She called again a few days ago to arrange to come this morning. I agreed though I doubted very much she would come. She has just called to cancel her visit. I really do not know why people have not made up their minds BEFORE they call!

Whitney has settled in very well. She spends most of her time with the older pups except for when no one is in the house. I really like her character.

I got over the Norovirus in 36hrs, my fever having broken by Wednesday morning. I am now taking Amoxycillin and Metronidazole as well as the anti acid pill to see if this will help my gut. The reason being I recall taking it in 95 and it may have worked then. No change so far.

This is really getting me down. It frightens me. It angers me. I do not want to be this person that reacts to the slightest bit of stress. It's ridiculous. I have had enough of this nonsense. I accepted my gut was bad when I was going though that traumatic time but that was over a month ago and still I am having problems. Right now I feel very tearful an frustrated. I want this to stop. If I was feeling stressed, I could understand having a stress related problem but the only thing that is stressing me is this f***ing gut thing.

I eat very plainly. Drink only water. I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to live with this. Not at all. The physical pain from the arthritis etc I can deal with, this I just can't. I am not finding any joy in any day. No matter what I am doing, my gut will not shut up. Oh I still got thru the motions, still swimming, still dealing with the dogs and still knitting all the time being nagged at by my gut.

This really is getting to me. Meditation isn't working, deep breathing doesn't work, the swimming doesn't stop it.

I feel very angry about it and I also feel ashamed. The first emotion I understand in connection to this, the second I am not so sure. I think it is in connection with me being told it is stress related. So if I am causing this problem myself, why can't I stop it?

I just don't know what to do. I am upset about it all the time now. I dread waking up. I feel relieved when my gut feels fine and then it starts up again and for no apparent reason. It embarrasses me. Shame and f**ing fear. Again and again and again. I am so bored with that. These two feelings have run my damned life. I am sick of it. I feel both just writing this on my blog. People thinking I must be really neurotic. Why not? After all isn't that what the Dr means when she says my gut thing is IBS / stress?

Sometimes I am not so sure that expunging intense pain is a good idea. I am worse off now than I was before. Maybe it was repressed because it was supposed to be because it would harm me to feel it. Seems so.

I have done everything I can humanly do to recover from my past. I have faced my worst fears, I have looked at myself and changed what needed to be changed. It has been terrible to go through.

And I end up sick.

I hate it.

I don't think it is fair.

I am royally pissed off.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dearest Colin,

I don't know what to say to ease your pain. There's probably not much any of us can say. I don't know if it's good to dig up old memories. Certainly, it can be painful. "Professionals" feel it is best to face them. Who am I to argue with them?

You have faced your fears and your anger and your sadness. I wonder if you have to accept them in order to be truly healed. I suppose it is one thing to talk about these things and another to say, "Well, it happened. It's part of my life. It helped to make me the person I am - and, now that I understand, I am glad for the experiences for this very reason."

Is this unrealistic? I suppose to be completely accepting is not human.

One thing to remember: You did not cause the stress. Don't be angry at yourself. This is nearly impossible: Don't fret about the past or the pain. Now, forgive yourself for making yourself live through it.

I may be full of bull puckey. I wish I could help more. I'm sending mental hugs across the ocean to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Colin
I have exactly the same problem.
Gut problems every day and seem to be caused by stress. Occasionaly I will have a better day - But they are still there when I am not stressed

The thing is the symptoms cause stress too which makes a never ending cycle of problems.

I drink lots of water , eat plain food too. Also I still do all the things that need doing each day but am fed up with all this too.

getting rid of the stress the symptons cause could help but I dont know how to do that either. I do some relaxation etc too.

Wish I knew the answer. Not much help am I?

Pam x

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you're feeling better. I went through the noro virus at the exact same time you did, so I fully sympathized!

Colin, when one is working through emotional and spiritual issues, the journey is seldom a straight path forward. We zig, we zag, and we jump around. One phrase I've heard many times over the years is "two steps forward, one step backward". It's frustrating and can feel like you have been totally defeated, but it's all part of the journey. If you look at what you've written, it looks rather like what you have written before. Makes a lot of sense to me that it would. You've been ill, which has lowered your resistance not only to physical ills, but also to psychic and spiritual ills. You've also been worried about John. Healing emotional and spiritual wounds takes a tremendous amount of energy. So does loving another person. So does being physically ill and healing the body. When we need to do it all at one time, something slips a bit and it seems there just is not enough of us to go around and it's frustrating and it hurts and we feel inadequate and before we know it we're back to blaming ourselves because we just are not good enough...and then we've taken that step backwards.

My unsolicited advice--give yourself permission to pamper yourself just a bit. Sit, knit, do something you enjoy. I know pain gets in the way of letting go, but to the extent you are able, do so. You hurt. It's not your fault. Your body is healing from years of pain. It did not get to that point overnight, and it is not going to heal overnight. Or in a month. Or maybe even two. But it sounds like it's better than it was three months ago, so there is your two steps forward.

Love and gentle hugs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Colin,

I love your blog, especially when you write about dogs and knitting, as I love both. I had a beautiful hound with IBS. It was a genetic condition that did not improve when I tried to make his life as stress-free as possible. Sometimes, I think, a medical condition is just a medical condition, independent of the psyche. As a nursing student I worked with some clients with IBS, and thought that far too much emphasis was placed on making them feel emotionally responsible for their disease. Horse pucky.

Your gut is acting up because the delicate balance of microorganisms was upset by the noro. It needs time to rebalance. I hope things settle down soon for you.

Congratulations on the puppy, and don't waste time on ambivalent buyers. You deserve better.

Wishing you the very best, and good relief soon.

Anonymous said...

Dear Colin,

You have my prayers, and advice on some natural remedies. Maybe you have tried these, but here goes anyway: aloe juice can sooth the gut, and probiotics = yogurt cultures can restore flora balance in the gut, especially during and after antibiotics. Be well, Colin.

mc

Anonymous said...

I always have to do the yougurt after any antibiotics or there is quite a long bout of gut trouble.

Quit blaming yourself for everything, the stress of that alone would make me nuts. Your body and spirit have been through quite an ordeal for several months, it is bound to have repercussions.

relax, give yourself a break and be well