Saturday, January 12, 2008

Saturday Morning

I have had three phone calls from a woman wanting one of the puppies. I didn't feel happy with her from the beginning but she did appear nice if somewhat indecisive. She called again a few days ago to arrange to come this morning. I agreed though I doubted very much she would come. She has just called to cancel her visit. I really do not know why people have not made up their minds BEFORE they call!

Whitney has settled in very well. She spends most of her time with the older pups except for when no one is in the house. I really like her character.

I got over the Norovirus in 36hrs, my fever having broken by Wednesday morning. I am now taking Amoxycillin and Metronidazole as well as the anti acid pill to see if this will help my gut. The reason being I recall taking it in 95 and it may have worked then. No change so far.

This is really getting me down. It frightens me. It angers me. I do not want to be this person that reacts to the slightest bit of stress. It's ridiculous. I have had enough of this nonsense. I accepted my gut was bad when I was going though that traumatic time but that was over a month ago and still I am having problems. Right now I feel very tearful an frustrated. I want this to stop. If I was feeling stressed, I could understand having a stress related problem but the only thing that is stressing me is this f***ing gut thing.

I eat very plainly. Drink only water. I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to live with this. Not at all. The physical pain from the arthritis etc I can deal with, this I just can't. I am not finding any joy in any day. No matter what I am doing, my gut will not shut up. Oh I still got thru the motions, still swimming, still dealing with the dogs and still knitting all the time being nagged at by my gut.

This really is getting to me. Meditation isn't working, deep breathing doesn't work, the swimming doesn't stop it.

I feel very angry about it and I also feel ashamed. The first emotion I understand in connection to this, the second I am not so sure. I think it is in connection with me being told it is stress related. So if I am causing this problem myself, why can't I stop it?

I just don't know what to do. I am upset about it all the time now. I dread waking up. I feel relieved when my gut feels fine and then it starts up again and for no apparent reason. It embarrasses me. Shame and f**ing fear. Again and again and again. I am so bored with that. These two feelings have run my damned life. I am sick of it. I feel both just writing this on my blog. People thinking I must be really neurotic. Why not? After all isn't that what the Dr means when she says my gut thing is IBS / stress?

Sometimes I am not so sure that expunging intense pain is a good idea. I am worse off now than I was before. Maybe it was repressed because it was supposed to be because it would harm me to feel it. Seems so.

I have done everything I can humanly do to recover from my past. I have faced my worst fears, I have looked at myself and changed what needed to be changed. It has been terrible to go through.

And I end up sick.

I hate it.

I don't think it is fair.

I am royally pissed off.
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