Friday, January 18, 2008


Just to make it clear, the trouble i am having is with IBS not with the norovirus which left me after 48 hours. I cleared it quickly. It has made the IBS worse.

It is this IBS I am having so much trouble trying to come to terms with. The muscle problem I have and the arthritis are not bothering me-yes they cause pain but I am used to it and it doesn't bother me.

It seems the grief I went thru has caused this. I don't know if it will go away.

I hate it. It is very uncomfortable. It scares me. It makes me feel ashamed. It seems to be a stress related condition. So that means it is me somehow that is the cause of it.

I spent 5 years in therapy, I worked my balls off and have had 10 good years until Last August when that trigger happened and I have been sick since. I feel as though I have gone back to being that neurotic frightened person I detested.

My Dr disagrees and says 1 in 5 people get IBS. She thinks I don't appreciate how ill I was and how ill grief can make the body and that I can't do anything about this apart from accept it. My mum had this and she was far from stable.

I feel so frustrated by it. I know I have to get to grips with it because my getting angry and or upset(another all day crying jag yesterday) doesn't help it.

Strangely the tears yesterday were not so much about this IBS. It always feels like before I cry and then when I do it is about something else. It again was about the losses and the certain knowledge that nothing will change the past-I lost and that is that. I will never have the loving family I craved. End of story. Irreversible, destroyed beyond repair. Gone forever. Actually, never was .

It was also about suffering and how I think I have had enough of it. I think I have coped very well till now. I have gotten over serious problems - anorexia, bulimia, agoraphobia, OCD, I worked hard and did what was necessary. I went thru that dark place to get here. I accepted the physical consequences, the 24/7 pain. Now I have this IBS too and I am just soooo pissed off with it. It isn't fair. I can cope with using walking sticks, I can cope with having to use a wheelchair, I can cope with being limited and I get on with what I want to do. This IBS I detest. If you haven't had it, you might know what it feels like. It feels to me like I am dying and that scares me-a painful death does not death itself. It is also frustrating that it is out of my control.

I also want to think about something else. I want to write about something else. I hate this self absorption too.

I am off to my dog show now.
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