Friday, January 18, 2008

IBS

Just to make it clear, the trouble i am having is with IBS not with the norovirus which left me after 48 hours. I cleared it quickly. It has made the IBS worse.

It is this IBS I am having so much trouble trying to come to terms with. The muscle problem I have and the arthritis are not bothering me-yes they cause pain but I am used to it and it doesn't bother me.

It seems the grief I went thru has caused this. I don't know if it will go away.

I hate it. It is very uncomfortable. It scares me. It makes me feel ashamed. It seems to be a stress related condition. So that means it is me somehow that is the cause of it.

I spent 5 years in therapy, I worked my balls off and have had 10 good years until Last August when that trigger happened and I have been sick since. I feel as though I have gone back to being that neurotic frightened person I detested.

My Dr disagrees and says 1 in 5 people get IBS. She thinks I don't appreciate how ill I was and how ill grief can make the body and that I can't do anything about this apart from accept it. My mum had this and she was far from stable.

I feel so frustrated by it. I know I have to get to grips with it because my getting angry and or upset(another all day crying jag yesterday) doesn't help it.

Strangely the tears yesterday were not so much about this IBS. It always feels like before I cry and then when I do it is about something else. It again was about the losses and the certain knowledge that nothing will change the past-I lost and that is that. I will never have the loving family I craved. End of story. Irreversible, destroyed beyond repair. Gone forever. Actually, never was .

It was also about suffering and how I think I have had enough of it. I think I have coped very well till now. I have gotten over serious problems - anorexia, bulimia, agoraphobia, OCD, I worked hard and did what was necessary. I went thru that dark place to get here. I accepted the physical consequences, the 24/7 pain. Now I have this IBS too and I am just soooo pissed off with it. It isn't fair. I can cope with using walking sticks, I can cope with having to use a wheelchair, I can cope with being limited and I get on with what I want to do. This IBS I detest. If you haven't had it, you might know what it feels like. It feels to me like I am dying and that scares me-a painful death does not death itself. It is also frustrating that it is out of my control.

I also want to think about something else. I want to write about something else. I hate this self absorption too.

I am off to my dog show now.

2 comments:

anachronist said...

Hating yourself does not make this easier, the indian teachings about meditation tell you to try to get to a state where you can kind of sit back and watch your feelings come and go, and not being affected by them too much.

You need to go through this for some reason, maybe the grieving is still on the go, and it irritates your insides and once this process is really over, you will be able to find peace in the bowels, too.

mail is on it's way, need to tell you something more to IBS.

Unknown said...

IBS - well I've been diagnosed with it - and at one time was taking 18 pills a day for the stuff. Once I managed to calm myself and find the stress causing events - presto the IBS has calmed down a lot. I'm only having 1-2 episodes per month - and they are nowhere near as severe as they used to be.

Relax and enjoy your life as a whole and try to reduce the focus on what is bad (I said try - I'm not good with that either) and see if that, and your doctor's advice, help.

Sending good thoughts.