Bother!

Like I said yesterday, my cold is back with a vengeance and worse today.

I will not be going to BUBA tomorrow, the 2nd last dog show of 2007. I am just not up to it.

I have realised that I really have to learn to not push myself so much and take better care of myself.

We are going to Germany on the 20th to visit with Lia and Lui ,and I really want to go and so really need to be well for that. Not just well from this cold/flu(4 weeks almost now!) but from the gastritis and trauma stuff too. That is much better but still there.

Next Friday is the last show of the year. It is HUGE and busy and crowded. I think I will be giving that a miss too. There will be other dog shows. I think my health and stress levels are more important right now.

I don't find this easy. As I said, it makes me feel like a wimp but I know I am just being sensible and taking care of myself.

Last night, after about 4.5 hours sleep, my rib cage started causing pain again. I am wondering if there is some sort of pillow thing I can buy that raises the whole of my back as I sleep? I can't afford right now to buy one of those beds that raises up and down. Besides, this doesn't happen often enough to warrant that expense.

hummph!

I did the trip to the stud owner last night. In the wind and rain and it was very dark. The pups were amazing. Not a sound from them. No sick. No poo . No wee. Her decision on the best two pups was the same as mine, although she isn't so keen on the boy as she thinks he isn't butch enough. I think he will be. Micah was a pretty boy but is very obviously male now. Anyway, time will tell.

Two of the pups go their new homes this weekend.

My bloody cold is back with a vengeance! That is 3,5 weeks now. I thought it had more or less gone. Now my head hurts, I have thick yellow stuff, and a sore throat.So I am going to see Elizabeth cos I think I will need antibiotics cos this feels like sinusitis and that is very painful when it gets going and I don't want it to get going so hopefully the pills will knock it out first. Lets see what Elizabeth thinks.

I slept well. I thought I hadn't cos I awoke 5 hours after I went to sleep and couldn't get back to sleep. Or so I thought. I was lying there thinking I couldn't get back to sleep and I decided oh to hell with it, I'll get up. It was almost two hours after I first woke up....
so I got about 7.5 hours last night.

I have three second socks to knit, and have started on one of them-the second of a pair for John. I have also almost done a cashmere sweater order.

Shaky Start

Today did not start off well. I was overwhelmed again. However I seem to be past the worst of it. The last two weeks have been getting better daily.

My stomach is still very sensitive and starts to act up when I get tired and them the anxiety builds and so does the stomach distress and so the anxiety builds and the stomach gets worse...you get the picture I am sure. So when it gets like that, as it did this morning, I resort to half a 5mg valium and it soon settles my stomach and then I stop feeling anxious because if the valium stops the stomach then I can't be dying....this is f***ing awful basically.

I am embarrassed by it. It makes me feel like a big wimp. I am so close to tears a lot of the time. From what I have read, it is going to take quite a while for my body to stop sending out panic mode messages which is what is causing the stomach distress. I am through the grief as far as I am aware and this is just the body readjusting itself. All the info I have had from the Dr and other sources have all explained very well what trauma does to the body and why I get the symptoms I do and what is causing them in the way of hormones and other chemicals. It really does help me if I understand what is happening. Okay so knowing that my body is being flooded by hormones when I am stressed does not always help to allay the fear but it does mostly.Today's episode was the first after a good few days of feeling much better.

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was having panic attacks like those I know because I would just go for a walk and it would all calm down and stop and that would be that.(I think I don't have them now because of my heart medications. Speaking of which, my blood pressure was 113/59 last evening!) This is much more difficult to deal with.(Meaning how my grief presented itself this time, thru my stomach.)

I love coffee. Either decaff or not. I have a bean to cup machine so have real coffee only. I have one ordinary coffee when I awake and one later in the afternoon and the other 1 or 2 coffees are decaff. I think I am going to stick with just decaff for a while until my body has stopped messing me about.

It is 3 weeks tomorrow until we go to Germany for Xmas and I WILL NOT accept still having this problem for that trip.

Swimming: I have cut down my days and am doing it every other day for now. It was suggested to me that I ought to stop pushing myself so hard. I didn't know what that meant really as I find it hard to know what is being lazy and what is being sensible. Anyway, I got up for my swim the other day and felt so tired and unwell I knew not to go though I had to argue with myself for a good half hour before common sense prevailed. So anyway, I have found myself more tired recently and I have found that my symptoms of distress come on when I am tired so...I didn't go swimming today.


I have got the 7 puppies to bath today as we are off to show them to the stud owner.

oh

I was up at 4.50am having woken and found myself unable to go back to sleep. I did what I needed to with the dogs, and was in the pool by 6.30am and swam 1 mile. By 7.30am the dogs were fed. I had done my banking and email and at 9am was asleep.

I have awoken again after some very disturbing dreams in which I found myself crying again. I was with a group of people and trying to express myself and they were talking over me and as I awoke, I realised their body language was such that their bodies had turned away from me. There were two men talking who seemed to be talking about the same experiences as those I have had, but they spoke in a different language about it, I don't mean they didn't speak English, but that they just didn't use the same words etc and seemed to be very little affected by their experience, in fact they seemed to make light of it. It certainly felt like my view was not valid. I don't really know for sure what that was about but it did make me think of a group I belong to where I definitely do not feel like I fit yet I very much ought to. It appears I am viewed as not the same at all there. This is the one group of people I really ought to fit in with but they have never let me belong in any meaningful way. Not just net wise but in life too.

I also dreamt of being with a man and a woman who have been the victims of a terrible terrible tragedy yet they are the ones being victimised and blamed for this tragedy. This dream is not hard to for me understand at all. I have felt for these people ever since they hit the news and I certainly know what it is to be blamed when one is not to blame.

Tarantino

This is my own design, knitted using one 80 cm KnitPicks circular needle, size 2.25mm.

The yarn is Regia Silk in colour 032. The yarn is 55% merino, 25% Nylon and 20% Silk.

I think it has a lovely handle and was easy to knit, which is just as well as this pattern was not so easy!

I knit toe up, used the Andersson Heel, and as in common with all my socks, I had no idea what it would be until the toe was done.

Challenging

As I walked into the hall where I was to speak this evening, the first person I saw was someone I really cannot abide. I won't go into too much here but I dropped this person in 2002 after having stupidly put up with being used and abused for too long because I allowed them to guilt me into continuing to help them. I wised up though.

Sadly, as much as I try not to actively dislike anyone, I have not succeeded with this person. Not to the point that I would wish them harm or do them harm or even not treat them respect but I still cannot abide them. Probably, aside from my parents, the most self centred and cruel person I have come across who also believes they are above everyone else and are always right.

Not only did I overcome this and worked well, but during the demonstration part, I had to speak with them. That went well too. Upon leaving, I felt a bit down on myself for not working as well as I know I can but that didn't last for long as I soon realised I had worked very well considering the circumstances.

This ,That and The Other

Well, today did not get off to a good start. I did sleep well mind you, a full hours. However, I awoke in pain and it nagged at me for hours. I was grumpy. I felt sorry for myself. I got really p'd off with being in pain all the time. Now, yesterday I had a full body massage and reflexology. Not the first time I have been in bad pain the following day. I am not sure if this is worth doing. I love it at the time - it's very relaxing. I am not sure this pain is worth it though. Anyway, at 1.30pm I went to bed, slept till 3.15pm and have awoken feeling much better. The pain is lessened.

Tonight I have a speaking engagement at 7pm. Not too far, just 20 miles form home.

The puppies are 7 weeks old today. they are rather annoyed with me because I wormed them(again). Each of them screamed with indignation. Yes, Apso are like that. They can make it sound as if they are being murdered just because one is doing something they don't want to be done. It used to be a real problem when i wanted to bath and groom. Until I figured out that if I ignore them totally and juts keep doing the bathing or grooming or whatever it is,they just shut up. I say nothing at all to them. I just let them have their tantrum. They soon figure out that it makes no difference so they quit and I end up with a well trained dog.

My stomach distress is even better today. I have started to take my Protium tablet again and this had made a difference. My Dr told me I had gastritis which I must say because of the state I was in, I took little notice of and didn't know what it was either. Well, I looked it up and learned what it was so thought it might be an idea to take my Protium. I had stopped taking it week sago as I only take it a few days at a time if I get acid reflux. Well, I have not had any reflux at all, no acid pain. However, having read what I read, I realised that taking the Protium could help me heal. It certainly seems to have made a difference. Oh, and re the Diet Coke, I can see how pouring loads of Phosphoric Acid into my gut when I was so stressed was not such a good thing to do!

This N That

It is almost 7am here and I was up at 6am to go swimming. I decided I felt too tired. After arguing with myself for a while, I decided not to go and that perhaps this was what was meant when I was told I push myself too hard. So whilst I feel I ought to be swimming right now,I am writing here instead.

Speaking of swimming: recall that woman who asked me to move out of 'her lane'? Well, she swims with a friend, side by side. The other morning, I was already in the favoured lane. This time her friend tried to bulldoze me out of the lane! Yes, she swam into me twice. She just got in and freestyled toward me. Once going down and once going up. No I did not move and she did move over a lane. Both these women are in the 60's I would think. It astonishes me that they have managed to get this age and 1. still be bullies and 2. still not realise that the world does not revolve around them.

Good News: we went and did some shopping yesterday. I needed to buy trousers as I have lost so much weight now that my trousers no longer hold up. I dreaded doing so as trouser buying is the one thing I hate to do. I was very pleasantly surprised to find that I had not only dropped a good size but was well on the way to dropping another. I bought two pairs. Both fit perfectly as soon as I put them on. No having to try on different styles or sizes. (I ought to add here that my weight loss has been the result of the swimming and eating right for me-and no more than 1.5 - 2lb a week. I haven't really paid attention due to the other stuff going on with me.)

John has been home on holiday this week. However, he got this bug instead and is now on steroids and two inhalers and antibiotics! He is getting better and feels better. A shame it had to be on his holiday from work though.

Stomach: it finally seems to be settling. No gurgling, no discomfort, no odd sensations, no burning and hence much less fear. the anxiety and grief has not left me altogether but it is getting better and I am so much better than I was.

Diet Coke: One of the side effects of me not smoking(about 8 mths now) is that my tastes have changed. They have not improved, just altered. Foods I used to like I no longer do(Baked Beans are far too sweet, Gruyer too salty). Anyway, last May at a dog show, I was very thirsty and had run out of water. A friend offered me a Diet Coke which I at first refused as I hate the stuff. However, it was hot, I needed a drink so I took it and found I really liked it. I was soon drinking loads of the stuff daily. I did mainly drink the caffeine free variety. However, I would drink at least 4 litres a day.

The Monday before last, I wondered if the Diet Coke had anything to do with my stomach distress. I do not believe it caused it on it's own but perhaps in combination with the stress of the grief etc. So that Monday I decided to not have nay more. Tuesday I had none but my guts were still not good. Wednesday and Thursday were vast improvements and by Friday I felt more or less okay. I decided it was silly to think it was the Diet Coke. I drank a litre that day. One 500ml bottle on my outward 80 mile journey to see someone and one on the way back. Now when I got to where I was going, my stomach was acting up. I assumed it was because I was talking about painful stuff. I drank the second 500ml bottle on the way home. By the evening time, I was great stomach distress. As I was all day on the Saturday at the Guild day. Sunday was better, Monday even better, Tuesday was even better and today is Friday, a full week since I had any. My stomach/bowel is not experiencing anything like the distress it was. It still may not have anything to do with the Diet Coke but......

The puppies are 7 weeks old tomorrow. They are developing into their own 'persons' now. They wag their tales, ask to go out, play roughly and annoy the adults.

I have been slowly knitting socks still. Today I hope to get on with a cashmere sweater I have been asked to knit for someone. Other than that, I plan to rest. I feel tired and this has become obvious whilst I am writing this. In fact this last week, I have been more tired. Sleeping in the afternoon and at night. This is a good sign because I means I am settling down enough to sleep well and want to.

This last 3 months have been extremely challenging. Whilst I would not wish to go through this voluntarily, I can see the benefit I have gained in the changes within me. I do not feel I am out of the woods yet. I still need to work on trust and letting go and stopping being on guard the whole time. I am going at the pace I can go, no more and no less.

Puppies At 6 Weeks

The pictures were taken on Saturday, the day they were 6weeks old, with the help of Jane (Needles of Steel).


BOY
BOY
GIRL
GIRL
BOY
BOY

GIRL

Machine Knitting Guild

Jane (Steel Breeze) and myself. Jane was very helpful in getting my wheelchair in an out of the car for me. We got on well and felt at ease. Jane said she knew she'd be alright with me because I used the F word on the phone!

Both are of Alison Lee, the demonstrator today and a lady I already 'knew' via the knitting lists. I didn't expect to meet anyone who 'knew' me as Knitman but I met a few! Alsion was a pleasure to meet, easy to feel comfortable with. Alison is wearing her own creations.
I took these pictures of these Aran types because I really liked them. These were hand knitted.

Ebay Sweaters

The auction finishes tomorrow, Sunday, between 8.30pm and 9pm UK time (5hrs ahead of EST).

Ladies Cotton mix

Ladies Cotton Mix 2

Ladies Cotton Mix 3

Ladies Cotton Mix 4

Gentleman's Merino / Angora

Coming In From The Cold

I did learn a fair bit yesterday from visiting the trauma specialist.

He thought I had dealt with it all well and agreed this last episode was about loss and the realization that it truly wasn't something about me that caused the abuse.

However, he did note, and I am so used to it I didn't even mention it as a problem, that I am hypervigilent 24/7. In other words I never feel safe. I am always on guard. Those who know me swear I'd make a good spy, or do actually work for MI5 , because of the way I survey all around me and notice everything! It does make a good driver as I anticipate very well and see everything.

Trouble is it affects me in ways that are not good. 24/7 tension for a start. It prevents me doing things I want to do. Like flying. Like taking up invites to go places that require overnight stays or longer. Then my autonomic nervous system kicks in and I don't sleep or go to the loo. So being away is exhausting and physically uncomfortable. So I don't do it. On my trips with John, which we have down to 5-6 days because that is all I can cope with, I manage but only with the aid of medication.

Quite naturally, most people assume my major difficulties are down to my physical disability. They are not. I can handle that and I do handle it very well. Even when the pain is bad I handle it. It is this not feeling safe that causes the problems. The inability to sleep and keep my bowel working. The state of high alert 24/7.

Now I definitely want this fixed and he thinks he can help me to overcome it. I left him feeling that I really could be free of past altogether. Oh I know it will always be part of me, it made me, but it won't have to rule my present anymore. I am excited about this. All the stuff I just accepted about how I am, the hypervigilence, the compulsive checking, doesn't need to stay with me!

I DID have a need to be hpervigilent but that need disappeared many years ago. Trouble is I lived in fear for so many years that the habit didn't leave me. I am still always waiting for the next blow. Always anticipating it.

I am really glad I kept my appointment when I thought the need for it had passed. I am pleased I followed my gut which was telling me to go and see him because I might learn something. My gut was right. I did learn something. And I was right that as far as dealing with my emotions, the grief, I have been doing so and done well. He doesn't feel the need to help me there. The last thing I expected was to discover that something could be done about the tension and hypervigilence. Mainly because it is so a part of me, I didn't realise it was a problem!

I cannot really imagine what it will be like to live without this but am excited by the prospect of doing so. Perhaps then I really will be free after all.

I'm Free

I slept six hours last night before waking for a pee. I then slept another 1.5 hours. Unheard of.

I had a much better day yesterday. My stomach was bit off in the morning but otherwise it behaved all day and even when evening came, when it is usually bad, it was good. Despite having had a nap in the afternoon(like I did Wednesday), I was very tired by 11pm and went to bed. Now this feels like me the normal me, though I normally would not sleep that long at night.

My legs are hurting, my hips are sore, especially in bed, and my spine feels like someone took a hammer to it. Phew! Things really are back to normal.

YOU may think it odd but it feels good to be back to normal. I am used to this discomfort. It doesn't frighten me. I cope with it well. Drugs give some relief. It doesn't stop me living. It doesn't make me cry.

This last couple of months have truly been awful but I can see I needed to go thru it to dump that load I was carrying. I didn't know that I was still carrying it. What I now know is that I had dumped a fair bit of it in the 5 years of therapy but the very deepest wounds were untouched. So whatever higher power there is brought it to my attention.

John and I were talking last night on the phone as he works in London during the week. He says he knew something bad was coming. He noticed me 'switch off' when we were in Germany and when we got back he said I started to have night terrors again and yell in my sleep. He said I started to talk about my family and was also losing my temper at trivial things. He also noticed I was getting physically run down and not resting. When the stomach pains started he knew for sure I was experiencing flashbacks and was about to really go through it. I guess after 26 years, one learns to see the signs!

I don't regret this happening. I know it is a positive thing. I don't ever want to go through it again.

Yesterday, on my way out, I checked myself in the mirror, as I am wont to do, to make sure my hat was on the way I like it. I found my self saying' you are a good looking man'. Now the significant part of that sentence was I used the word man. I have never referred to myself as a man. I have never felt like a man. I have always felt like a boy. Today I am a man. I feel like a man. My own man. No one else's idea of a man. A real grown up. An adult. A person. Maybe even a whole person. Of that I am not yet sure. Maybe that will not be possible. Whatever, I feel different inside. Very different. I am not sure how to put this into words. I just feel different. In a positive way. I feel lighter certainly. I don't feel the weight of my past upon me. I don't feel the shame that was forced upon me. I don't feel the fear of my family I have always felt. I don't fear the opinion of others.

NO ONE will ever make me feel like I am not up to the mark again. I am good enough. More than good enough. I like who I am, what I have become. I amazed I have become me but I have. I am where I am and who I am and that is perfectly acceptable to me. If it isn't to you, then I guess you really do have a problem within you.

The sun is shining, it is bitterly cold. Just the sort of day to walk my dogs and be bathed in light.

Today is a good day.

(if you are of a certain age you might get the dreadful pun of the post title)

PS: I have an appointment with a trauma specialist today. I am still keeping it, even if I do feel better, because I don't turn away chances to learn something.

Pig's Bum

I don't feel good this morning. No tears, no solar plexus pain , a little fear but feeling really p'd off.

I slept quite well, woke at about 4 I think and took a co-codomal for my cough / cold. It stops the coughing so I can sleep. Had this damn cold for 11 days now. Though I have to say it is mild now.

I eventually woke at 6am but did not get up as I was afraid too. I already felt wound up. So I stayed in bed and dozed till 8 and am glad I did. I need the rest. This is tiring.

Last night at a meditation group I go to, this woman who attends could see I wasn't my normal self and started to talk to me about how she felt when she lost her son. She told me how she physically felt and how similar it was to my physical pain. She told me it won't just stop overnight, that it will take time to go away. I was very grateful to her for talking to me but felt a pang of shame too as her grief was about the loss of her child, which must be truly truly awful. She is a lovely person and I am so glad she spoke with me. I was feeling bad and scared and she helped to allay that.

I still find the physical side to this grief really hard to deal with. It is scary. I feel a heaviness over my solar plexus and a burning sensation. It isn't really a burning, not like acid reflux at all.
Once I cry or take a diazepam, which I avoid and do only if it is bad, it goes away. Or my guts gurgle and boing all the time. Strangely, my Dr thinks I am very lucky and have a good guts, I have had no trouble at all with my bathroom habits. they have remained normal and regular.

I get none of this when I sleep and it usually comes on later in the day, if it is going to.

Today though I just feel angry about it all. I am tired of it. I also feel embarrassed by it. I feel I ought to be stronger than this and not so sensitive and wimpy. THAT is my father talking, I know. So he can go jump and leave me alone to grieve how I grieve.
How I am is how I am and it certainly is not like him. If he had cried or been sensitive perhaps he wouldn't have been such a cruel man.

I have to watch myself right now too as I find I get annoyed quite easily at some of the emails on the lists. I finally blocked an address this morning to save me from myself really because I know I will lose it one day.

I am still doing my meditation twice daily and I include some deep breathing exercises too. This really does help.

I miss my swimming! I still can't go and doubt I will be able to until next Monday.

I have a major breed club champ show this coming Sunday.

I had three speaking engagements last week, Sunday, Wednesday and Sunday and all three went well.

Just When....

....I thought it was over I had another crap day. More fear, more tears, more solar plexus discomfort, grumbling, burning(no not acid), fear feeling. Missing my mum like crazy which just makes no sense to me at all.
Yesterday was a brilliant day. I felt like my old self. felt physically good. Then today, Wham!
I really need thisto end now. I get the message.I understand the point. Now please will you leave me alone? This is so pointless. How much more crying is needed? To what end exactly? I know what I lost, I know it wasn't my fault. I just want ot ge tone an live what life I have left and enjoy it not be held back and swamped by this f***ing pain.

Ebay Sweaters On Now

Ladies Cotton mix

Ladies Cotton Mix 2

Ladies Cotton Mix 3

Ladies Cotton Mix 4

Gentleman's Merino / Angora

Just For Today

I am getting better each day. It has been getting longer between crying sessions. The feelings of fear have lessened a lot. Yesterday and the day before have been the best days for weeks.

I am awaking each day with dread. Just like I used to when a child. I haven't felt this way for many years. In recent times I have looked forward to each day and what I might accomplish or learn. Now I am afraid of what emotions might threaten to overwhelm me. I know this will pass too.

The sense of loss has been huge. I had been so busy just surviving I had no time to feel the pain of loss. Or even the awareness that I had lost.

A big part of the spiritual philosophy I have an interest in, is the concept of Personal Responsibility. Also, that what we think is of the utmost importance because what we think determines our lives.

I know this to be true. The only reason my life has changed, the only reason I have changed, is because I have changed what I think. The only person who could do that was me.

Yes, it's true, much of what I thought I was taught to think by damaged unhealthy people. I still suffered the consequences. My belief in the lies is what made my life so wretched. My beliefs about me, about other people, about 'god', about death. All of these beliefs conspired to cause me immense suffering to the point of death or insanity.

I survived.

I believe I survived because I was loved by strangers who became my family and my partner. THEY became my support because they saw the real me, the me I didn't know existed.

Slowly, I began to see that there were other ways to think. I was a slow learner, always hampered by fear. I had been taught to fear everything and everyone and I learned that lesson well. After all, every person in my life back then let me down and I had reason to fear them.

I have always been good at putting on a good outward image. Look at the photograph on this post of me at 11. I had already seen my best friend killed, been almost killed by my own father and had years of abuse from both parents, emotionally and physically, and was already used to being used as a sexual outlet by adults.

This recent tumult has taught me much. It showed me that I believed a huge lie and this lie is the one that was at the root of all my suffering. I believed that I was responsible for the behaviour of others. Oh, I knew it was wrong to have sex with children and wrong to physically batter them and to be emotionally cruel to them. I came to know that in my 30's. I and everyone else assumed that was it, I understood. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL. I had been taught well. I believed, deep down, that had I been different, these people would not have done what they did. That they were good people and that there was something about me that made them lose control...(they taught me well).

Believing that all but ruined my life. It almost destroyed me. It was the reason I chose the wrong people to be friends with. It was the reason I could not defend myself. It was the reason I was so afraid all the time. It was the reason I was unable to use my high IQ. It was the reason I harmed myself. I cut myself, starved myself, blotted myself out with drink and drugs. The reason I smoked. It was the reason for the suicide attempts(after the second time landed me in a coma, I gave up trying because I knew there was no escape).

The religious abuse I suffered mixed in with all this took away my ability to have any form of relationship with whatever higher power there may be. In the end the only way I could cope with the evil monster I had been taught about was to deny the existence of anything beyond us. However,my coma experience showed me clearly that death is but a transition to another life. That TERRIFIED me.

Now I see things differently. I am not so afraid. I am beginning to see a very different type of god to the one I was taught about. This last two months so much has happened, so much love and support has come my way. So many 'coincidences'. I am at the point where I want to let go and believe I will be caught but am not there yet.

Two weeks ago on a Tuesday when I was on my third gut wrenching crying of the day, rolling around on the floor, in so much agony I wanted death, I screamed out 'if you are there and you f***ing love me, then do something NOW!'

I became calm, much less afraid, and I did what I had sworn I would not do. I called my Dr. I hadn't because I was afraid I'd be locked up again, like when I was a teen. He was very supportive. He understood I needed to go thru my grief but also needed support. He insisted I take some diazepam to relieve the physical pain I was in and to get to to sleep as I hadn't been sleeping.

I am not interested in false religion or false faith. I am not interested in anyone whose belief system includes a punishing god.

Simply put, if a belief includes 'if you don't believe this' you will go to hell or any other threat, then I am not interested because I know it is BIG FAT LIE!!!!!

IF god is Unconditional Love then we do not have to believe anything! We don't have to DO anything. We are loved. End of. Loved. No matter what. Loved. regardless. Loved. We do not have to earn it.

Any fool will believe what they are told to believe with a gun held at their head.

So if you believe that you will only be 'saved' by believing a particular story or following a particular dogma or creed, you are WRONG WRONG WRONG! You have been conned. You have been abused. You have been misled. You have been told a BIG FAT LIE.

And whilst you may well suffer as a result of believing such a lie, and you will, in the end it won't matter a jot because you will still survive death and still be loved.

Five Weeks

All looking a little uptight to be out in the big world for the first time.

Some People

Two years ago my vet told me to never go to him again.

This is why:

As you know I am disabled. I had been up all night with a girl whelping, or trying to. At 5am I realised she needed veterinary help. By this time, I could barely walk and she needed help fast. I took her to my local vet, 5 minutes away.(my usual vet is 30 mins drive away) I explained I was disabled and couldn't walk that day. So they met me and took care of everything. They saved my girls life and performed a ceaser.

I later phoned my vet and told the nurse what had happened. She later called me and told me that Jim, my vet, had said he would not treat any of my animals again. I was miffed to say the least. He knows my physical problems.

In fact a few weeks ago, he saw me out in my wheelchair and we exchanged pleasantries.

So last Saturday I called him about him doing vet work for me. Once again, and thru a nurse, he told me to go elsewhere.

There is no fool like an old fool. Talk about self centred egotist! And no balls as he at no time has he spoken to me. He did it all thru young women.

just made it

My voice lasted just long enough to finish my speaking engagement last night. It went well. By the time it was over, I was hoarse and sweating and feeling rather hot. So I knew my laryngitis was just the heralding of some other bug which has now taken hole.

I fell asleep in my armchair last night till 4am.(which is a good thing as it showed I was relaxed). I came up to bed and stayed the till just gone 8am, the longest sleep I have had for months. I am normally up 5.30 to 6.30am.

Of course I feel like do do today. Hot and cold, no vice and a running nose which I detest.
So it will be sock knitting and tv day today.

Oh as well as a puppy poo shovelling, paper changing day. About 6 times day now. They are eating well. They have also discovered there voices and now realise there is more to life outside their 6ft by 3 ft pen. Well, they are not getting out of that just yet. No way I can run around after them.

I had wanted to go to Borders at Milton Keynes for a knitting group and meet Beverley. I just had to call and cancel. Bummer.

Free Yarn -Kindness

A dear woman sent me some sock yarn for free. I had seen it on the stash part of Ravelry and wrote and asked her how much she wanted for it. I got a letter back saying she would just give it to me. I was really pleased at such kindness. The sock yarn is Lorna's Laces and I am dying to knit up but must finish 3 other pairs first.

I have deliberately not named this person as I have not asked permission and would not want her inundated with requests for free yarn!

She knows who she is and knows how thankful I am for her generosity.

Still Better

My voice is much better this morning-deeper and less squeaky! The dogs do not seemed concerned now.

Remember what I was saying about the unpleasantness with some of the UK based lists? Well, one of them.
Well, I came across a mean spirited post about me from an 'Emma In France'(no link to bio) on someone's blog who had knitted my heel. Her only comment was that she found my blog and posts to UKhandknitters irritating so she ignored them and didn't know about the heel! Okay, who gives a toss, no one can be liked by all. What irks me though is the downright mean spiritedness of such a post. Why bother to leave such a bitchy comment? Plus, I don't often post to that forum because of the bitchiness of too many of it's members. Perhaps Emma In France is just really sad.

I have a speaking engagement tonight and I think I am up to it. My voice is there anyway.

I am about to swatch for a garter stitch (on machine) sweater is a silver grey cashmere/silk/merino mix sweater.

Confused Dogs

My voice has gone entirely. I went to the practice nurse, instead of Dr, and I have laryngitis. Duh, I knew that. I awoke at 4am this morning in such pain in throat and shaking with cold even though I sleep fully dressed with socks on! Meaning I wear socks, pjyama's (my tops and floppy trousers)and a t-shirt under it.

Anyway, my poor dogs are very confused. I am having to use sign language for them. My voice is just a squeak. Not so stupid though, as they have figured out what I want. At first they seemed a little afraid of me and my new voice.

Now more than you wanted to know:

One of my concerns has been my guts, as you know very sore. Well, although I have pooed on a regular basis, it has not been much. I was encouraged by the fact I had no blood or diarrhoea. Another duh here: I have eaten very little and when I am eating, just very plain meals like chicken or fish, grilled, with vegetables. No sauces, no nothing. Well, I found out that of course I am not pooing much! I ain't eating much and nothing that bulks! I discovered that your poo is only on the bulky side when you eat carbs-wheat etc. Well I don't cos I am allergic.

I was so relieved to know this. I am one of these people that feels so much more secure when I know the facts and understand them.

Oh and I have lost 21 lbs. BUT not rapidly. This has taken 10 weeks. And includes days I hardly ate at all cos of the upset and also swimming up to a mile a day. I have now lost 100 plus pound all told.

For some reason, I am really getting into fish. I have never really liked it. I love prawns and crab and stuff and sometimes smoked salmon but other wise found fish unsatisfying. Not now. I really enjoy it. I have eaten plaice and cod so far as my main meal. Gently fried in my new Titanium frying pan, with a little seasoning and a drop of oil. Gosh, the pan is amazing. Really. It was £45(90$) on sale but worth every penny. I don't bother with my George Foreman now. This cooks quickly and very well, the meats/fish stay moist. I even now eat plenty of chicken breast cos it remains moist cooked in the pan.

One of the most distressing things about the last while, is that I have hardly knitted or watched any tv. I just haven't been able to.
I am now though and am feeling excited about planned knitting projects and my yarn is now calling to me again.

And I had a 2 hour nap this afternoon!

Feeling Fragile - Keeping track

Today has not been so good. A fair amount of fear and abdominal discomfort. The discomfort of course being the fear.

I was thinking this has been going on for ages. But thank fully I keep a blog and I wrote this

http://tinyurl.com/3xv8p6

back on Sept 20th. So not that long ago. It's weird too because that post is a clear indication of what was to come.

I do understand I have made some major breakthroughs.

But I can't let go. I don't mean let go of the abuse and the pain. I have done that, mostly. I mean I can't stop being 'on guard' 24/7. This is the only way I know how to explain how I am right now. I am tense all the time. In fact I have been tense all my life because I am always waiting for the next blow.

I really want to believe that all is okay and I am safe and to let go and enjoy my life. But I am scared to. What if it's all a con again? What if the second I let my guard down, it all comes crashing down on me?

Life for me was like that for so long, the next blow always came without fail. I was always betrayed without fail. I always lost without fail, moved constantly. Friends, pets, taken just like that. Every time. Always in living no man's land. Always knowing that every time I made a friend or had a pet I would lose them. And every time I loved and thought this time it would be different. The same with my abusers. I was so good because if I was good enough the abuse would stop. I know different now. It made no difference what I did because I was not the problem!

Now, I have a good life. I BUILT it myself. Yes, I have love given to me which helped build my life but it was me who built it. Now I so want to enjoy it. Yet I can't let go. I so want to. I long to just let it go, to fall and believe I will be caught. I just can't manage it. How do I do this? How do I let it go? How do I trust? I trust no one or nothing. Isn't that awful of me? But it's true. I daren't.
I know I need to but the idea fills me with fear. Yet if I don't I am condemning myself to more of the same misery and I don't want that nor deserve that.

I just called out to the dogs because they were barking(don't allow that) and nothing came out!
I thought all day I was getting sick. Now I can't speak and my throat hurts.

Is this weird or what? I am hoping I am sick with the flu or at least a heavy cold. No I am not a masochist. But I am tired. I am want to curl up in bed with a book. I want to rest. I want to be sick enough so i can and not give a toss(apart form what needs to be done with the dogs.). I don't want to go swim a mile at 6am. I don't want to do anything. I want to cuddle warm in bed and do f**k all for a few a days and I know I will only do that if I am sick...

You know the physical side of this is really quite distressing and just adds to the stress. yes, it is improving but the stomach discomfort still comes, though not all the time and not so bad. The severe pain in neck and shoulders has all but gone. Did YOU know that emotions such as those I have been going thru could cause such physical problems? I didn't. It's scary and only adds to pain and fear. (Oh and yes my Dr says it's caused by grief and fear and not because I am dying). I can settle my stomach my deep breathing exercises.

Anyway, enough for now. I was just relieved when I read back at my FEAR post in September as it made it very clear what has happened since.

The auctions end Sunday evening(UK Time). There are 4 sweaters, here is one of them:

Cashmere/Silk/Merino

I ship worldwide by signed for delivery.

Orange Version

This is the same yarn and same pattern as this one.
The neckline is different and the length is shorter and of course the colour is different!

Lumbering Jack

The yarn used is Pure Wool by Stylecraft. 260 mtrs per 100gm (240yds). The colour is called Rustic and the number is 3560. I love the colour so I bought a ball. Unfortunately, I had to buy another 100 grams ball as the first sock weighed 60gms. I knit using HiyaHiya 2.75mm circular. The gauge was 30sts and 40rws to 10cms. or 7.5spi to 10rpi.
I used the Andersson Heel again, knit toe up.

Better Days

Tuesday was the last time I cried. Wednesday and Thursday were good days. I still had the stomach pain and shoulder pain but less so and it didn't bother me. Friday was okay till the evening when I thought I was going to be overwhelmed again.

Now yesterday was the best day for weeks. I felt almost normal. My legs were sore, hips and back. Phew, good to be back to normal!

My mood is better, the fear has all but gone. I really feel I made my way though the stuff I needed to.

I am still somewhat in shock about it all. I did not see the last two months coming at all and this last month of terror and grief I really did not expect.

Yet, looking back over the last 15 mths I can see how it was building up and how buried issues were being awakened.

It started last August when we returned early from our break to discover that my 'close friend' was a con artist and not a friend at all. THAT destroyed what little trust I had managed to build. I withdrew from the world then but not consciously. I see now that I spent my time mainly on my own or with John and interacted as little as possible with others.

Then I came across that person who made me feel like the abused little boy I had been and who looked at me, and spoke to me, and treated me, as if I were very much lacking.

So this combination is what broke the little vault I had hidden my stuff in.

What have I learned?

THAT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!!! Really, it had nothing to do with me at all. I WAS NOT ABUSED BECAUSE I WAS ME.

I was abused because they were them.

I have learned that I am loved. I have learned that I deserve to be. I have learned I do not have to be perfect. I have learned that I am not in danger because I am not perfect. I have learned I have value. I have learned that I, me, have been of use to others, that I have given to others. That I have helped others.

I feel excited and can feel that I am growing wings and that freedom is coming.

I feel that I no longer carry such an enormously heavy burden and now that at almost 49 it has been removed, it will take some time for my body and my soul to adjust.

You perhaps have no idea how much your support has meant to me. Your amazing comments, your emails. The mere fact you even bothered to read and more so to offer such loving kindness. THAT has really hit home. To be frank, at first, I was suspicious. I thought there must be some trick or that you were round the twist or in one way or other trying to undermine me. That is what I was used to.

You have shown me that there is love and kindness and GOOD people out there.

I thank you all so much. You really have helped to save a life. Seriously, without the daily support I received, I am not at all sure I would have survived this journey. It was so bad I did start to think that death could not be worse. What you have done will never be forgotten Not by me and not by the Powers that be.

Dogs

Luna-mother of puppies

Micah - uncle to puppies
Shameless - aunt to puppies

Nechung-Micah's mother and Shameless' grandmother, no relation to pups.

Puppies at 4 weeks(3rd November)

Life Goes On

She was walking along the street, near to her home, when he called over and enquired as to how she was doing. She responded that she wasn't doing too badly and accepted an invitation to sit awhile and talk.

It was just over a year since her husband of many years had died and she missed him dreadfully. If only she could have five more minutes with him.

He touched her hand and said that her husband was always with her and that he wanted to thank her for the flowers she placed in his hands. He also reminded her of his love of 50's and 60's music. He had been a teddy boy he said. He then told her he could hear Neil Sedaka's Oh Carol and she replied that she took care of her husband's record collection and she could not find this recording. Finally, he told her that her husband was showing her a ring, a man's ring with a deep red stone in it. She had bought him this ring.

He then told her that when the time came, her husband would be there to take her to her new home.

She returned to her home, still in grief but knowing that her husband had only passed to a different existence and had not ceased to exist.

Ebay Sweaters Ending

The auctions end Sunday evening(UK Time). There are 4 sweaters, here is one of them:

Cashmere/Silk/Merino