Sunday, November 04, 2007

Better Days

Tuesday was the last time I cried. Wednesday and Thursday were good days. I still had the stomach pain and shoulder pain but less so and it didn't bother me. Friday was okay till the evening when I thought I was going to be overwhelmed again.

Now yesterday was the best day for weeks. I felt almost normal. My legs were sore, hips and back. Phew, good to be back to normal!

My mood is better, the fear has all but gone. I really feel I made my way though the stuff I needed to.

I am still somewhat in shock about it all. I did not see the last two months coming at all and this last month of terror and grief I really did not expect.

Yet, looking back over the last 15 mths I can see how it was building up and how buried issues were being awakened.

It started last August when we returned early from our break to discover that my 'close friend' was a con artist and not a friend at all. THAT destroyed what little trust I had managed to build. I withdrew from the world then but not consciously. I see now that I spent my time mainly on my own or with John and interacted as little as possible with others.

Then I came across that person who made me feel like the abused little boy I had been and who looked at me, and spoke to me, and treated me, as if I were very much lacking.

So this combination is what broke the little vault I had hidden my stuff in.

What have I learned?

THAT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!!! Really, it had nothing to do with me at all. I WAS NOT ABUSED BECAUSE I WAS ME.

I was abused because they were them.

I have learned that I am loved. I have learned that I deserve to be. I have learned I do not have to be perfect. I have learned that I am not in danger because I am not perfect. I have learned I have value. I have learned that I, me, have been of use to others, that I have given to others. That I have helped others.

I feel excited and can feel that I am growing wings and that freedom is coming.

I feel that I no longer carry such an enormously heavy burden and now that at almost 49 it has been removed, it will take some time for my body and my soul to adjust.

You perhaps have no idea how much your support has meant to me. Your amazing comments, your emails. The mere fact you even bothered to read and more so to offer such loving kindness. THAT has really hit home. To be frank, at first, I was suspicious. I thought there must be some trick or that you were round the twist or in one way or other trying to undermine me. That is what I was used to.

You have shown me that there is love and kindness and GOOD people out there.

I thank you all so much. You really have helped to save a life. Seriously, without the daily support I received, I am not at all sure I would have survived this journey. It was so bad I did start to think that death could not be worse. What you have done will never be forgotten Not by me and not by the Powers that be.
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