Monday, November 05, 2007

Feeling Fragile - Keeping track

Today has not been so good. A fair amount of fear and abdominal discomfort. The discomfort of course being the fear.

I was thinking this has been going on for ages. But thank fully I keep a blog and I wrote this

back on Sept 20th. So not that long ago. It's weird too because that post is a clear indication of what was to come.

I do understand I have made some major breakthroughs.

But I can't let go. I don't mean let go of the abuse and the pain. I have done that, mostly. I mean I can't stop being 'on guard' 24/7. This is the only way I know how to explain how I am right now. I am tense all the time. In fact I have been tense all my life because I am always waiting for the next blow.

I really want to believe that all is okay and I am safe and to let go and enjoy my life. But I am scared to. What if it's all a con again? What if the second I let my guard down, it all comes crashing down on me?

Life for me was like that for so long, the next blow always came without fail. I was always betrayed without fail. I always lost without fail, moved constantly. Friends, pets, taken just like that. Every time. Always in living no man's land. Always knowing that every time I made a friend or had a pet I would lose them. And every time I loved and thought this time it would be different. The same with my abusers. I was so good because if I was good enough the abuse would stop. I know different now. It made no difference what I did because I was not the problem!

Now, I have a good life. I BUILT it myself. Yes, I have love given to me which helped build my life but it was me who built it. Now I so want to enjoy it. Yet I can't let go. I so want to. I long to just let it go, to fall and believe I will be caught. I just can't manage it. How do I do this? How do I let it go? How do I trust? I trust no one or nothing. Isn't that awful of me? But it's true. I daren't.
I know I need to but the idea fills me with fear. Yet if I don't I am condemning myself to more of the same misery and I don't want that nor deserve that.

I just called out to the dogs because they were barking(don't allow that) and nothing came out!
I thought all day I was getting sick. Now I can't speak and my throat hurts.

Is this weird or what? I am hoping I am sick with the flu or at least a heavy cold. No I am not a masochist. But I am tired. I am want to curl up in bed with a book. I want to rest. I want to be sick enough so i can and not give a toss(apart form what needs to be done with the dogs.). I don't want to go swim a mile at 6am. I don't want to do anything. I want to cuddle warm in bed and do f**k all for a few a days and I know I will only do that if I am sick...

You know the physical side of this is really quite distressing and just adds to the stress. yes, it is improving but the stomach discomfort still comes, though not all the time and not so bad. The severe pain in neck and shoulders has all but gone. Did YOU know that emotions such as those I have been going thru could cause such physical problems? I didn't. It's scary and only adds to pain and fear. (Oh and yes my Dr says it's caused by grief and fear and not because I am dying). I can settle my stomach my deep breathing exercises.

Anyway, enough for now. I was just relieved when I read back at my FEAR post in September as it made it very clear what has happened since.
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