Sunday, November 11, 2007
I am getting better each day. It has been getting longer between crying sessions. The feelings of fear have lessened a lot. Yesterday and the day before have been the best days for weeks.
I am awaking each day with dread. Just like I used to when a child. I haven't felt this way for many years. In recent times I have looked forward to each day and what I might accomplish or learn. Now I am afraid of what emotions might threaten to overwhelm me. I know this will pass too.
The sense of loss has been huge. I had been so busy just surviving I had no time to feel the pain of loss. Or even the awareness that I had lost.
A big part of the spiritual philosophy I have an interest in, is the concept of Personal Responsibility. Also, that what we think is of the utmost importance because what we think determines our lives.
I know this to be true. The only reason my life has changed, the only reason I have changed, is because I have changed what I think. The only person who could do that was me.
Yes, it's true, much of what I thought I was taught to think by damaged unhealthy people. I still suffered the consequences. My belief in the lies is what made my life so wretched. My beliefs about me, about other people, about 'god', about death. All of these beliefs conspired to cause me immense suffering to the point of death or insanity.
I believe I survived because I was loved by strangers who became my family and my partner. THEY became my support because they saw the real me, the me I didn't know existed.
Slowly, I began to see that there were other ways to think. I was a slow learner, always hampered by fear. I had been taught to fear everything and everyone and I learned that lesson well. After all, every person in my life back then let me down and I had reason to fear them.
I have always been good at putting on a good outward image. Look at the photograph on this post of me at 11. I had already seen my best friend killed, been almost killed by my own father and had years of abuse from both parents, emotionally and physically, and was already used to being used as a sexual outlet by adults.
This recent tumult has taught me much. It showed me that I believed a huge lie and this lie is the one that was at the root of all my suffering. I believed that I was responsible for the behaviour of others. Oh, I knew it was wrong to have sex with children and wrong to physically batter them and to be emotionally cruel to them. I came to know that in my 30's. I and everyone else assumed that was it, I understood. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL. I had been taught well. I believed, deep down, that had I been different, these people would not have done what they did. That they were good people and that there was something about me that made them lose control...(they taught me well).
Believing that all but ruined my life. It almost destroyed me. It was the reason I chose the wrong people to be friends with. It was the reason I could not defend myself. It was the reason I was so afraid all the time. It was the reason I was unable to use my high IQ. It was the reason I harmed myself. I cut myself, starved myself, blotted myself out with drink and drugs. The reason I smoked. It was the reason for the suicide attempts(after the second time landed me in a coma, I gave up trying because I knew there was no escape).
The religious abuse I suffered mixed in with all this took away my ability to have any form of relationship with whatever higher power there may be. In the end the only way I could cope with the evil monster I had been taught about was to deny the existence of anything beyond us. However,my coma experience showed me clearly that death is but a transition to another life. That TERRIFIED me.
Now I see things differently. I am not so afraid. I am beginning to see a very different type of god to the one I was taught about. This last two months so much has happened, so much love and support has come my way. So many 'coincidences'. I am at the point where I want to let go and believe I will be caught but am not there yet.
Two weeks ago on a Tuesday when I was on my third gut wrenching crying of the day, rolling around on the floor, in so much agony I wanted death, I screamed out 'if you are there and you f***ing love me, then do something NOW!'
I became calm, much less afraid, and I did what I had sworn I would not do. I called my Dr. I hadn't because I was afraid I'd be locked up again, like when I was a teen. He was very supportive. He understood I needed to go thru my grief but also needed support. He insisted I take some diazepam to relieve the physical pain I was in and to get to to sleep as I hadn't been sleeping.
I am not interested in false religion or false faith. I am not interested in anyone whose belief system includes a punishing god.
Simply put, if a belief includes 'if you don't believe this' you will go to hell or any other threat, then I am not interested because I know it is BIG FAT LIE!!!!!
IF god is Unconditional Love then we do not have to believe anything! We don't have to DO anything. We are loved. End of. Loved. No matter what. Loved. regardless. Loved. We do not have to earn it.
Any fool will believe what they are told to believe with a gun held at their head.
So if you believe that you will only be 'saved' by believing a particular story or following a particular dogma or creed, you are WRONG WRONG WRONG! You have been conned. You have been abused. You have been misled. You have been told a BIG FAT LIE.
And whilst you may well suffer as a result of believing such a lie, and you will, in the end it won't matter a jot because you will still survive death and still be loved.