Shaky Start

Today did not start off well. I was overwhelmed again. However I seem to be past the worst of it. The last two weeks have been getting better daily.

My stomach is still very sensitive and starts to act up when I get tired and them the anxiety builds and so does the stomach distress and so the anxiety builds and the stomach gets worse...you get the picture I am sure. So when it gets like that, as it did this morning, I resort to half a 5mg valium and it soon settles my stomach and then I stop feeling anxious because if the valium stops the stomach then I can't be dying....this is f***ing awful basically.

I am embarrassed by it. It makes me feel like a big wimp. I am so close to tears a lot of the time. From what I have read, it is going to take quite a while for my body to stop sending out panic mode messages which is what is causing the stomach distress. I am through the grief as far as I am aware and this is just the body readjusting itself. All the info I have had from the Dr and other sources have all explained very well what trauma does to the body and why I get the symptoms I do and what is causing them in the way of hormones and other chemicals. It really does help me if I understand what is happening. Okay so knowing that my body is being flooded by hormones when I am stressed does not always help to allay the fear but it does mostly.Today's episode was the first after a good few days of feeling much better.

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was having panic attacks like those I know because I would just go for a walk and it would all calm down and stop and that would be that.(I think I don't have them now because of my heart medications. Speaking of which, my blood pressure was 113/59 last evening!) This is much more difficult to deal with.(Meaning how my grief presented itself this time, thru my stomach.)

I love coffee. Either decaff or not. I have a bean to cup machine so have real coffee only. I have one ordinary coffee when I awake and one later in the afternoon and the other 1 or 2 coffees are decaff. I think I am going to stick with just decaff for a while until my body has stopped messing me about.

It is 3 weeks tomorrow until we go to Germany for Xmas and I WILL NOT accept still having this problem for that trip.

Swimming: I have cut down my days and am doing it every other day for now. It was suggested to me that I ought to stop pushing myself so hard. I didn't know what that meant really as I find it hard to know what is being lazy and what is being sensible. Anyway, I got up for my swim the other day and felt so tired and unwell I knew not to go though I had to argue with myself for a good half hour before common sense prevailed. So anyway, I have found myself more tired recently and I have found that my symptoms of distress come on when I am tired so...I didn't go swimming today.


I have got the 7 puppies to bath today as we are off to show them to the stud owner.