I'm Free

I slept six hours last night before waking for a pee. I then slept another 1.5 hours. Unheard of.

I had a much better day yesterday. My stomach was bit off in the morning but otherwise it behaved all day and even when evening came, when it is usually bad, it was good. Despite having had a nap in the afternoon(like I did Wednesday), I was very tired by 11pm and went to bed. Now this feels like me the normal me, though I normally would not sleep that long at night.

My legs are hurting, my hips are sore, especially in bed, and my spine feels like someone took a hammer to it. Phew! Things really are back to normal.

YOU may think it odd but it feels good to be back to normal. I am used to this discomfort. It doesn't frighten me. I cope with it well. Drugs give some relief. It doesn't stop me living. It doesn't make me cry.

This last couple of months have truly been awful but I can see I needed to go thru it to dump that load I was carrying. I didn't know that I was still carrying it. What I now know is that I had dumped a fair bit of it in the 5 years of therapy but the very deepest wounds were untouched. So whatever higher power there is brought it to my attention.

John and I were talking last night on the phone as he works in London during the week. He says he knew something bad was coming. He noticed me 'switch off' when we were in Germany and when we got back he said I started to have night terrors again and yell in my sleep. He said I started to talk about my family and was also losing my temper at trivial things. He also noticed I was getting physically run down and not resting. When the stomach pains started he knew for sure I was experiencing flashbacks and was about to really go through it. I guess after 26 years, one learns to see the signs!

I don't regret this happening. I know it is a positive thing. I don't ever want to go through it again.

Yesterday, on my way out, I checked myself in the mirror, as I am wont to do, to make sure my hat was on the way I like it. I found my self saying' you are a good looking man'. Now the significant part of that sentence was I used the word man. I have never referred to myself as a man. I have never felt like a man. I have always felt like a boy. Today I am a man. I feel like a man. My own man. No one else's idea of a man. A real grown up. An adult. A person. Maybe even a whole person. Of that I am not yet sure. Maybe that will not be possible. Whatever, I feel different inside. Very different. I am not sure how to put this into words. I just feel different. In a positive way. I feel lighter certainly. I don't feel the weight of my past upon me. I don't feel the shame that was forced upon me. I don't feel the fear of my family I have always felt. I don't fear the opinion of others.

NO ONE will ever make me feel like I am not up to the mark again. I am good enough. More than good enough. I like who I am, what I have become. I amazed I have become me but I have. I am where I am and who I am and that is perfectly acceptable to me. If it isn't to you, then I guess you really do have a problem within you.

The sun is shining, it is bitterly cold. Just the sort of day to walk my dogs and be bathed in light.

Today is a good day.

(if you are of a certain age you might get the dreadful pun of the post title)

PS: I have an appointment with a trauma specialist today. I am still keeping it, even if I do feel better, because I don't turn away chances to learn something.