Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Pig's Bum

I don't feel good this morning. No tears, no solar plexus pain , a little fear but feeling really p'd off.

I slept quite well, woke at about 4 I think and took a co-codomal for my cough / cold. It stops the coughing so I can sleep. Had this damn cold for 11 days now. Though I have to say it is mild now.

I eventually woke at 6am but did not get up as I was afraid too. I already felt wound up. So I stayed in bed and dozed till 8 and am glad I did. I need the rest. This is tiring.

Last night at a meditation group I go to, this woman who attends could see I wasn't my normal self and started to talk to me about how she felt when she lost her son. She told me how she physically felt and how similar it was to my physical pain. She told me it won't just stop overnight, that it will take time to go away. I was very grateful to her for talking to me but felt a pang of shame too as her grief was about the loss of her child, which must be truly truly awful. She is a lovely person and I am so glad she spoke with me. I was feeling bad and scared and she helped to allay that.

I still find the physical side to this grief really hard to deal with. It is scary. I feel a heaviness over my solar plexus and a burning sensation. It isn't really a burning, not like acid reflux at all.
Once I cry or take a diazepam, which I avoid and do only if it is bad, it goes away. Or my guts gurgle and boing all the time. Strangely, my Dr thinks I am very lucky and have a good guts, I have had no trouble at all with my bathroom habits. they have remained normal and regular.

I get none of this when I sleep and it usually comes on later in the day, if it is going to.

Today though I just feel angry about it all. I am tired of it. I also feel embarrassed by it. I feel I ought to be stronger than this and not so sensitive and wimpy. THAT is my father talking, I know. So he can go jump and leave me alone to grieve how I grieve.
How I am is how I am and it certainly is not like him. If he had cried or been sensitive perhaps he wouldn't have been such a cruel man.

I have to watch myself right now too as I find I get annoyed quite easily at some of the emails on the lists. I finally blocked an address this morning to save me from myself really because I know I will lose it one day.

I am still doing my meditation twice daily and I include some deep breathing exercises too. This really does help.

I miss my swimming! I still can't go and doubt I will be able to until next Monday.

I have a major breed club champ show this coming Sunday.

I had three speaking engagements last week, Sunday, Wednesday and Sunday and all three went well.
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