DREAM

I dreamt that John and I were away and for some reason we had the puppies with us.  I was on my own in a busy street and I was trying to get my puppies because they have scattered.(I often have variations of this dream where I am out and all of my dogs got off the lead and scattered and I am trying to get them back before they get run over or something.) as is often the case with dreams the scene suddenly changes and my puppies are caught in a big puddle deep enough that they have to swim.  I realise that I have to get into this water and I do not like water where I cannot see the bottom because you never know what is lurking there.  I got in and I managed to get the puppies but then I was attacked by an otter of all things. I managed to shake it off.  The scene switched again and I was sitting on the pavement and many people were walking by but this one woman stopped to help me.  (Don't ask me what had happened to the puppies because they were no longer in this dream.)  She helped me get up and supported me to a taxi but she insisted on getting in the taxi as well to see me back to the hotel.  During the ride back to the hotel she and the taxi driver struck up a strong rapport and when the taxi arrived at the hotel and she got out to help me, she and the taxi driver exchanged phone numbers and they kiss and I thought how marvellous it was that things seem almost arranged to happen.  The next scene I am in the hotel but in fact it is a block of flats and there are work men there and they have altered the staircase which made it more or less impossible for me to get to my flat.  they had turned it into a slide and they seemed very pleased with themselves because they said all I had to do was slide down and had no stairs to worry about and I was thinking but how would I slide up? However in the next scene I am indeed in my flat and I note that they have done work there too and for some reason, three walls of the flat had to radiators on each wall.  I noticed our suitcases and said to John that we had to go back to the hotel because I had left the suitcase with the computer in it at the hotel.

Now make head or tail out of that! I do often have very anxiety ridden dreams about my dogs being scattered in the open and I am trying to get them all back into safety.

IN DREAMS AND BIGOTRY IN SPIRITUALISM

First of all with regard to dreams, it is said that we enter REM  (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep approximately 90 minutes after going to sleep. I start to dream the minute I close my eyes, wherever I am.

I dream vividly and have good recall. My dreams have been prophetic and have also been instrumental in showing me areas of myself that I need to look at. I had a dreadful dream in ‘07 that heralded the pain and anguish I went thru toward the end of that year which led to my epiphany and the freeing myself from my past.

I have dreamed of other people, of specific things happening to them and they happened.

Last night I dreamed of a famous man, married with two children, sons, who was in fact gay. The dream was all about freeing him from the lie he had woven for himself. I seemed to be his mentor but I didn’t want to be. As it turned out our conversation was overheard by a woman friend and so the cat was out of the bag and it looked as if he wasn’t going to have to tell his wife after all.

Weird dream and I was glad to awake from it. I am not suggesting this is a prophetic dream. I have no idea what it was about.

I recall dreams from many years back, right to childhood.

In the 80’s I woke one morning to see a mushroom cloud rising up. I saw this through my kitchen window. I vividly recall the fear I felt. Then I just knew that the bomb had gone off in Iran(maybe Iraq) and not London so my fear was lessened.

I dreamed, when I was sixteen, of a family friend carrying me in his arms and he placed me in a grave. I turned into a cat and ran away. This man had in reality, paid for me to see a private doctor. I had thought he did this because he could see how I was suffering and I thought finally someone was going to help me. Not so. This was because he figured out I was gay and the private shrink was all about straightening me out. What a betrayal. Not even the doctor saw I was deeply disturbed and an abuse victim.

One dream I had, changed my life. I had tried to end my life and I put myself into a coma. When I awoke I had a drip in and mask over my face. I proceed to pull it all off, especially the drip. For some reason I recall how that hurt going in several days earlier.

Anyway, during that period of unconsciousness, I dreamed I was walking in darkness toward a group of people who seemed to be standing a in a misty glowing light. As I got closer, I could see one of the people was my Aunt Jesse (who had died in 77 I think). She held her arms out to me and I was hugged by her. She told me I had to go back, that I could not stay.

I knew then  I could not escape this pain, that life did not end with physical death. Far from it bringing me peace it filled me with fear and rage. It turned out though to be the beginning my journey to recovery. It also brought about the understanding that I had a gift, all my life, called mediumship. It took a long time before I accepted this as a good thing. To me it was just another thing to feel shame about.

All through my growing up, I had ‘weird experiences’ and with no one to share them with, I hid them away and was ashamed. I often though was unaware of it working. When I said things that were true, and it discomfited the adults around me, I just assumed I had been told by someone and had forgotten. I never thought about spirit people then as I didn't know about it. I had friends that I ‘ made up’ but hey were real enough to me. I often  talked to myself, I am told. I ma not one of those who can say I saw and spoke with spirit all through my growing years. I was ignorant of such things.

Today it is a different story of course. I know who and what I am. I use my gifts. I give talks and demonstrations. Not many as Spiritualists are as bigoted as anyone else and many find me unacceptable so do not book me. Why do I know that? Well one booking secretary told me outright I was not approved of and I also know it isn’t because I don’t give good evidence. I do. I also tend to speak of power of though and belief and personal responsibility, the corner stone of Spiritualist philosophy, but it isn’t approved of by some. Nor is my telling my story of how I was raised from the gutter to the life I have now. Strange how they object to that.

DREAMING THE PAST

Just when you think it is all over dammed dreams come back to haunt you. I dreamt of Sally, my Labrador.

When I was 16.5 yrs old, my parents decided to leave Australia, having promised that Australia would be home. I really did not want to move yet again. I could have stayed. I just had to have somewhere to stay and an adult to vouch for me. I was persuaded by my parents to come to England. The clincher was that Sally would be coming with us.

My two Lhasa Apso, Cotton and Changri, were sold to the first person who had the money. My father didn't care, he just wanted rid of the dogs. My love for dogs was considered unimportant and something I would grow out of. My father only ever saw them as money.

We arrived in England in May 75 and within a week I had a job working in a Quarantine kennel, where Sally was duly booked in to arrive in the August for her 6 month stay.

During my time there, which was not pleasant, my mother said to me more than once that 'anything can happen, I shouldn't get too excited'. But then my mother was always telling us not to get excited. If we laughed, we were told to stop because it would end in tears. Stupidly, I did not suspect I had been conned.

The day before Sally was due to arrive in England, I telephoned the Townsends who had been looking after her. I was told that my parents had had Sally given away as soon as we left. As I was too distraught to carry on the conversation, my boss took over the phone and was told my father had her destroyed when we left.

My parents denied all and to this day I do not know the whole truth but know that indeed my parents had betrayed me yet again. Stupidly, instead of staying away, I went home. I had no choice really. I was already sick with depression and anorexia /bulimia and OCD. How would I survive on my own?

Of course I had to concoct a fantasy that had me as the bad child and them as the good parents. If not, I would not have survived. Deep down I knew the truth.

My brothers were of no support at all and indeed were identified with my parents. I was taking all the flak for being gay and yet my elder brother was living with his boyfriend and not saying a word! He always was a totally self centred obnoxious person. I have no good memories of him at all. I have only one of my younger brother, also gay. He found me crying, huddled on the stairs and he put his arm around me and comforted me. That was the only time he did anything kind to me. He mostly told me I was evil and possessed by demons and told me God hated me. He was a fundy at the time. I had not idea he was gay.

Despite all I had experienced at the hands of my family and of paedophiles and bullies and teachers, I was still naive and didn't see the obvious. I have never felt malice and so I guess I failed to see it in others.

There have been many times I have cursed myself for having been so stupid, for not getting away when I could have, for always going back, for wanting their love and approval, for wanting them to be what they were not. Good loving people who cared for and loved their son and brother. I wanted a home, a place I could feel safe and be myself. My family was not it. I felt so humiliated when I finally stopped trying to be what they wanted. When it dawned on me that I was not the problem I thought I would die of the pain of it.

For so many years I wished to have no memory. I wished some illness or accident would wipe my memories. I envied people who suffered amnesia. I was ignorant though of what that would truly mean. It would not have stopped me suffering because the damage was not in my memories but what I was taught to believe about myself and the world. It was somewhat naive to think I could lose just the bad memories!

Now though, things are very different. I am free of them, as free as I ever will be I think. The fact I still have dreams and flashbacks is proof I am not totally free but today it is different because I do not yearn for it to have been different and whilst the flashbacks and dreams can be disturbing, I know today that there is nothing wrong with me, I am not evil, possessed or at fault. There is/was something lacking in them that made them treat me so badly. I was not defective . They chose to treat me the way they did because THEY were defective.

John is the reason I don't wish my past to be different. John and the life I have now. If not for my past, and the things that happened, like coming here to England, I would not have what I now have. In fact had I not left that small minded bigoted sheep station town in NSW I would probably be dead. If I had not been in the nut houses I would not have finally left home even though it was ultimately to be homeless. Had I not been, I would not have met John.

Had I not met John, I'd be dead, insane, still on streets or still in a locked ward. I would not be the person I am today. I am happy today. With myself and my lot in life. I am very very fortunate.

No John did not cure me. He loves me and he has always given me the space to be myself even when it pained him so to see me in Hell, knowing he could not drag me out of it. Yet had he not stuck with me whilst I found my way out of Hell, I wouldn't have. John became my home, my place of safety, the place I was accepted for who I was. THAT is what gave me the anchor I needed in order to haul my way up and out of Hell.

I never ever thought there would come a time that I would not wish to change my past. That time has indeed come. That is not to say I am glad for my past, or that it was ' meant to be'( I find that sort of thinking crass and offensive and illogical and stupid and ill thought though.) I am just aware that who I am and what I have now is because of my past.

I made the best of it. I fought hard to survive and I did. I can't explain it, but I don't think I did this on my own. I don't know why I survived and why others who had similar pasts have died or gone mad. Why some are trapped in 'psychiatric care' or in prison or in addiction or on the streets or have became abusers. I don't know why I did not. So my attitude is truly one of 'there but for the grace of God go I'. The meaning is there even if I don't think it was God, at least not in the accepted sense. but now I can see a whole new subject is beginning to take shape so I shall leave that, belief, for another time!

ICK

Bad dreams and I awoke at 2.50am feeling very sick. By 3.20am I was lying on the bathroom floor alternately exploding form both ends. I hate being sick but oh I was glad to be rid of the nausea last night.

I spoke with John this morning about my feeling that despite my good recovery from my past, I seem to be more sensitive than ever. He says he isn't surprised because I have developed so much, especially where my mediumship is concerned. Well, as I can't not be a medium and never have not been, I have no idea how to compare sensitivity with or with out. Meaning, I cannot not be who I am so have no way of knowing whether or not I am more sensitive.

I know that a good friend of mine who is a Spiritualist Minister said pretty much the same thing. She said my experience was terrible and even more so because of my sensitivity. I have nothing to compare it to so....

John is going to see Stuart this morning. He is coughing has been waking me up so he can't pretend he doesn't have a problem again. This time it was only a short argument. I think he knows I mean business now. He knew without me saying that i was not going to le tit drop and that I would not take him to the station if he didn't see Stuart first. I reminded him that we are going away to Hungary in less than two weeks and will be away for 2 weeks and that he can't be sick for that especially as he will probably have to push me around a fair bit!

Aaarrgh! Why do so many men behave like children when it comes to taking care of their health and seeing a Doctor?

Cool!

SERVICE

Last night's service went very well. My talk flowed and the demonstration produced good evidence.
I had decided to really dress up for it, as if I were going to a dog show. It produced a lot of compliments so I knew I was not looking foolish but well turned out.

There was a genius in the audience. Seriously. A very pleasant young man who was a Heavy Metal fan by the look of his clothing. Anyway, we had a chat. He politely asked if he could explain the Big Bang theory to me. I said of course he could. He wanted to because I had said in my talk about how the proposition of God presents the question , which science objects to, of who made God? The Big Bang Theory presents the exact same problem. How did it happen? How did nothing nothing become this universe? So this young man explained it. He told that in the beginning there was just Hydrogen. then something happened and helium was formed. From this everything else slowly evolved. He was dead serious too. I told him that I knew this and that it did not answer the question. How the hydrogen get there? What caused the big Bang that started the ball rolling? How did all this come from nothing? He stated that the hydrogen, the beginning, WAS nothing. I said not it wasn't, it was something, it was hydrogen. How did it get there? How did it bang? You could see expression change a she thought about it. I think the poor man had not thought that far because he had been bamboozled by his science teachers in just the same way that many children are bamboozled by religious people. (Oh an dmost important he was so impressed with my demonstration of mediumship it has made him think. He knew it was real, not fraud>)

I am serious about him being a genius by the way. He attend a gifted school. Anyway, i told him that this must make his life difficult. He was pleased that i understood this. We all know that if you are really unintelligent your life is going to be hard and you will need help. What most people don't realise is that above average intelligence people also have problems in life-loneliness being chief because it is difficult to communicate ideas etc when there are few at your level.

This young man gave me what I consider to be a real compliment. He said he thought I looked COOL!

DREAM

I have never shared this dream with a soul other than my therapist. I have never been able to figure out what it means. I think I have now. I am still nervous to share it. This gives an idea of just how vivid and scary this dream is, such that I am afraid to share it.

The dream takes various forms. Sometimes, I know I have not done anything, it just looks as if I have. In other dreams I am not sure if I have done it or not. I other dreams I think I have done it. I awake with such fear and lay there wondering if I did or didn't. Then I can shake it off but not to the extent that i feel comfortable telling the dream.

In the dream, a body is found buried in a house I used to live in. All evidence points to me being the murderer yet I know that I am not though I know I am going to get the blame and the punishment. In another version, I am not sure if I did or didn't and still another version, I think I did and will be caught and punished. as i said earlier, I awake and the dream is of such strength that it takes me a long time to convince myself that it is just a dream.

I think I may have finally figured out what this is. It isn't about 'killing' the real me off which I used to think it might me. It is about me feeling 'bad' at my core. i think this dream came again last night because of the self doubt caused by the bully at the pool. In the back of my mind has been the thought 'have I caused this?'.

Just when I think it's dealt with, this f**king abuse stuff just keeps right on digging at me. I KNOW I have not caused this behaviour from that ***** , of course I do. It just seems like a part of me is not convinced-still!

REST DAY

Toady I am doing nothing. I am very tired, rather sore, and don't feel like going swimming or anything else. Other than groom one of the dogs, I shall knit and watch dvds.

WTF?

We took Tabitha and Whitney with us.














Today we went to visit friends, one of whom is in the advanced stages of Motor Neurone Disease. I was very pleased to see that he was not as ill looking as I expected.

I had a brief talk with his wife about how most people have abandoned them. She was especially unsettled and confused that the people from church were the first to abandon them.

My response was that people are afraid and they especially fear what is happening to this couple and that their spiritual beliefs did not make them immune, particularly when those beliefs have not involved personal inner change. Meaning they talk the talk but cannot walk the walk.

Terribly sad but my two friends are growing daily thru this. I am not one of those that think this was their destinty, that this was meant to be. No. We have bodies and as such are frail and what happens, happens. It is what we choose to do with what happens and how we learn from it that counts. I do not bleieve they are learning lessons 'prescribed for them in some cosmic plan'. Not at all. I think those beliefs, along with 'it's God's Will' are borne of fear not rational thinking. I wonder if they ever stop to think about the sort of God that would cause such pain and suffering. I don't believe such a God exists.

Now to the title of this entry: WTF? Last night I had a night terror. Not had one for ages. I was almost out of bed, screaming but still asleep. John soothed me awake. I didn't recall it until later today when I asked him if this had happened. It had. I do not recall the events of the dream either, I just know I was terrified.

With the lack of good sleep recently, the not so smooth mood, and now this, I am wondering if anything is bubbling up in me. I truly hope not. Surely I emptied it all out already? Perhaps it's just what I wrote about the other day - life is very good and I am not used to that and it makes me fearful. Just did a google search and it said this: In addition to night terrors, some adult night terror sufferers have many of the characteristics of abused and depressed individuals including inhibition of aggression,^[2] self-directed anger,^[2] passivity,^[3] anxiety, impaired memory,^[4], and the ability to ignore pain.^[5].

Well, I am not depressed, nor am I passive any longer. My memory is crap and I survive by ignoring pain!

The second WTF? is that my hands have decided to pack up. They hurt liek hell, I have taken a full does of drugs, and have had to stop knititng. I only do that when I truly just can't keep going.

Typing invloves different movements and different pains.

This blog has turned out to be much much more than I ever would have thought and I am sure iut is stillmore than I can think of. When I started it, I didn';t really know what it was for other than to show off my dogs and knititng. then i strarted to write aboutmy history and my daily happeneigs. this had many effects. It gave me the oulet i needed to tell my story. To be heard. to have witnesses. It helped others in the process. It also serves as a record for me to see my progress on an emtional/ spiritual level and as a record of my physical health. The latter being quite important as I tend ot minimize and forget too. Having it written here helps me see the progression of it and helps me know what to tell my dr.

Heat

The weather is now warm. It is like summer. Yet it is of course too hot and humid! Mid 80's and very sticky. Oh well!

Yesterday's show went well. Micah was 3rd in his class and Whitney won hers despite slipping her lead and running off! It was very hot by the time it was her turn and I think she just flipped a bit when the lead left her neck. It didn't help that too many people called her name and tried to get her instead of leaving me to get her. Natural that they would try and help of course.

When I arrived at the show, I was the first as usual in my breed. There was a food wagon at one end of the grooming area and the post that held the mark off rope was next to it. I moved this post enough so I could get in, figuring I would be out of anyone's way and not have to keep getting up, which hurts. Well, this woman took it upon herself to go and complain to the management that I was blocking the entrance! Not only did she not have the manners and intelligence to ask me to move, she didn't even know where the entrance was. She was one of these self centred people who just wanted everything her way. I get really quite annoyed at this sort of crap. Needless to say, management came and asked me to move!

I fell asleep about 9pm last night and awoke at 7.15am this morning! Most unusual. Interestingly, I had an old nightmare again, one which I have had many times and it always leaves me feeling dreadful. This time though it seems I may have resolved the issue in the dream. Time will tell. I hope so because I really hate this dream and it takes a while of me being awake before I can convince myself the events of the dream are not real.

My ability to sense stuff for others is fairly good. However, to sense it for myself is another matter entirely. Yet the last two shows that I have done well at, I had a certain feeling before I went. Quite a different feeling to the one I had at the shows I did not do well at. It may be coincidence. I shall have to wait and see. Both times the feeling just arrived with the thought of going to show, suddenly. It didn't come as a result of thinking about it.

Maybe it's the heat but I am in more pain and feel weaker since it warmed up.

Brrr

Well yesterday at the dog show it was COLD! It did me no favours at all. It was windy too. So my legs became painful and it was rather difficult.

I got a 3rd with Micah and a 4th with Whitney in large classes (9 and 11). As I know dog people read this blog, I can't be as forthcoming as I usually am. Meaning I can't say what I would want to say about judging and what goes on at the shows. I can't write about judges who don't know the breed or judges who place dogs according to who is holding the lead, or about judges who diagnose defects without benefit of x-rays and knowledge, or judges who only give high awards to their friends, or how certain dogs become Champions just because 3 friends gave them the required award.No I cannot write about these things at all. I can write though that mostly what happens is above board. When it isn't, it is obvious and one crosses those judges off one's list. I do wonder if those who judge the wrong end of the lead realise they are being watched by people who KNOW? Or are they so arrogant as to think we are all stupid?

I have sold what I want to sell of the puppies. (They have not left yet - too young.) I have also found a very good home for Lui, I think. I am disappointed to be letting Lui go but he will much happier to be just a house dog. He HATES to show. Despite all his good physical attributes, I decided against breeding from him as I do not want to pass his temper on. You can bet your life that he will sire an excellent puppy that will also not like to show! Temper is so important. It is number one. Most puppies go to pet homes and they need to be sound and stable.Too many people ignore this. Obviously there is nothing about Lui that one would describe as bad tempered, he only doesn't like the crowds and showing. I have seen dogs though at shows who are scared, who are aggressive, who do not have the 'gay' character that Apso are supposed to have. They are also assertive and 'chary(wary) of strangers. Too many people use assertive to excuse aggression and chary to excuse nervousness. A dog that will not show, that continually drops his tail is not 'gay and assertive'. Nor is a dog that refuses to be handled or touched by the judge.

Again, I have not gone swimming today. Feel too weak and sore. Mainly weak. I seem to be going thru a fatigue and weak phase rather than a bad pain phase. Trouble is for pain I can take drugs. For this, I can do nothing.It is more than irksome! Even my fingers feel heavy.

I have been having some very odd dreams recently. I am one of these people with a vivid dream life. I dream nightly and recall them. I know everyone dreams but many don't recall them. I do. In technicolour too.

The night before last I dreamt I was in some sort of Jane Austen period drama. I was having bad stomach cramps and the two women in the dream were asking me what was wrong,I was unable to tell them because everytime I tried, I burst out laughing. I was trying to tell them I was not ill but in labour!!!! Now I have dreamt of being in labour once before and I could feel these painful contractions. I awoke thinking this was very odd when I had the contractions again! Turned out I had food poisoning and this was the beginning of a 10 day illness. I couldn't stop throwing up. Anyway, this time I am not ill though I wonder if I was having cramps from the IBS.

I also have dreams that herald change in my life. I am mostly not aware they mean this until the change occurs. For instance, last year's grief was indeed heralded by a very clear and to the point dream. I missed it's meaning, but I guess I wanted to.

I have also had dreams that come true. For some reason I dreamt of the Russian nuclear sub that sank years ago. I dreamed it before it appeared on the news. One of the most vivid dreams, and scary, I have had was I awoke from sleep and was in the kitchen of my flat, making coffee when I saw a mushroom cloud rise into the air. I was terrified. I calmed down when I realised that the bomb had gone off in Iran, not London. Given the present situation, this dream is often on my mind now and I dreamt it in the 80's.

Oh and guess what? Today is cold, wet and grey. Just for a change. Global warming anyone?

oh

I was up at 4.50am having woken and found myself unable to go back to sleep. I did what I needed to with the dogs, and was in the pool by 6.30am and swam 1 mile. By 7.30am the dogs were fed. I had done my banking and email and at 9am was asleep.

I have awoken again after some very disturbing dreams in which I found myself crying again. I was with a group of people and trying to express myself and they were talking over me and as I awoke, I realised their body language was such that their bodies had turned away from me. There were two men talking who seemed to be talking about the same experiences as those I have had, but they spoke in a different language about it, I don't mean they didn't speak English, but that they just didn't use the same words etc and seemed to be very little affected by their experience, in fact they seemed to make light of it. It certainly felt like my view was not valid. I don't really know for sure what that was about but it did make me think of a group I belong to where I definitely do not feel like I fit yet I very much ought to. It appears I am viewed as not the same at all there. This is the one group of people I really ought to fit in with but they have never let me belong in any meaningful way. Not just net wise but in life too.

I also dreamt of being with a man and a woman who have been the victims of a terrible terrible tragedy yet they are the ones being victimised and blamed for this tragedy. This dream is not hard to for me understand at all. I have felt for these people ever since they hit the news and I certainly know what it is to be blamed when one is not to blame.

Dreamland

I was with the characters CJ and the President in an episode of The West Wing (at least I assume it was an episode).

The President was addressing a large group of people and CJ was standing by his side. I appeared to be standing behind them both tho I am sure I was not visible to anyone.

A man in the crowd, who was seated and dressed differently to everyone else, suddenly called out, very calmly. 'I love you'.

Switch to another scene. The President is relating this story and is very moved by it. I could feel how moved he was. It was as if I was feeling his feelings.

I asked him if this was real or was he acting? (Because I knew it was Martin Sheen and not the President).

At that moment, a group of people could be heard giggiling and making fun of this 'I love you' incident.

I was about to do something or other when I awoke and I heard very clearly:

'I am a Buddhist monk and I love you.'

Now what was that all about? I have my own view. Maybe you have yours?