Sunday, September 21, 2008


We took Tabitha and Whitney with us.

Today we went to visit friends,
one of whom is in the advanced stages of Motor Neurone Disease. I was very pleased to see that he was not as ill looking as I expected.

I had a brief talk with his wife about how most people have abandoned them. She was especially unsettled and confused that the people from church were the first to abandon them.

My response was that people are afraid and they especially fear what is happening to this couple and that their spiritual beliefs did not make them immune, particularly when those beliefs have not involved personal inner change. Meaning they talk the talk but cannot walk the walk.

Terribly sad but my two friends are growing daily thru this. I am not one of those that think this was their destinty, that this was meant to be. No. We have bodies and as such are frail and what happens, happens. It is what we choose to do with what happens and how we learn from it that counts. I do not bleieve they are learning lessons 'prescribed for them in some cosmic plan'. Not at all. I think those beliefs, along with 'it's God's Will' are borne of fear not rational thinking. I wonder if they ever stop to think about the sort of God that would cause such pain and suffering. I don't believe such a God exists.

Now to the title of this entry: WTF? Last night I had a night terror. Not had one for ages. I was almost out of bed, screaming but still asleep. John soothed me awake. I didn't recall it until later today when I asked him if this had happened. It had. I do not recall the events of the dream either, I just know I was terrified.

With the lack of good sleep recently, the not so smooth mood, and now this, I am wondering if anything is bubbling up in me. I truly hope not. Surely I emptied it all out already? Perhaps it's just what I wrote about the other day - life is very good and I am not used to that and it makes me fearful.
Just did a google search and it said this: In addition to night terrors, some adult night terror sufferers have many of the characteristics of abused and depressed individuals including inhibition of aggression,[2] self-directed anger,[2] passivity,[3] anxiety, impaired memory,[4], and the ability to ignore pain.[5].

Well, I am not depressed, nor am I passive any longer. My memory is crap and I survive by ignoring pain!

The second WTF? is that my hands have decided to pack up. They hurt liek hell, I have taken a full does of drugs, and have had to stop knititng. I only do that when I truly just can't keep going.

Typing invloves different movements and different pains.

This blog has turned out to be much much more than I ever would have thought and I am sure iut is stillmore than I can think of. When I started it, I didn';t really know what it was for other than to show off my dogs and knititng. then i strarted to write aboutmy history and my daily happeneigs. this had many effects. It gave me the oulet i needed to tell my story. To be heard. to have witnesses. It helped others in the process. It also serves as a record for me to see my progress on an emtional/ spiritual level and as a record of my physical health. The latter being quite important as I tend ot minimize and forget too. Having it written here helps me see the progression of it and helps me know what to tell my dr.
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