Thursday, September 18, 2008


I am going thru a period of not sleeping well. I sleep but it seems I spend my night dreaming thus I don't feel rested when I awake.

Last night I dreamt that John and I were in San Francisco and an earthquake happened. I recall saying something like, 'typical, I finally pluck up the nerve to get on a plane and we arrive here in time for the earthquake!'.

I don't know what that they mean but the next dream is fairly easy to decipher I think. John and I have got in the car and I am reversing but I feel I have not got control of the car and i panic and yell at him to look behind the car to make sure all is clear because I am convinced I am going to crash. There was nothing to crash into behind me. (John doesn't drive btw and doesn't want to learn-in life not the dream.) I also was in control of the car even though I felt I wasn't.

I think this is is about how I have been feeling recently. I have been very happy. I have been managing my physical needs well which has included doing NOTHING the day after a dog show and taking plenty of drugs to manage the pain and thus only being wiped out for a day instead of three. I have been enjoying dressing up and choosing outfits and buying stuff to wear. I bought a fantastic blue frock coat which I got very cheap because it had a mended tear on the lapel. I stick my Lhasa Apso badge there. I have enjoyed the shows very much and have handled them much better than i thought I would when the day got longer. Because I have been winning well, I no longer get home mid afternoon but at 10pm at night. As I get up at 2am this is very Long day for me. With the drugs and my thinking, I cope well. Even so after last weeks show, I woke on Saturday morning unable to get out of bed. Being a Saturday, John was here so he got up and got my drugs and I took them and then waited for them to do their job.

Financially things are okay. Yes, I have bought quite a few items of clothing and pairs of Dr Martens and shoes recently. All for my dog show outfits. I have enjoyed it but gradually that voice has started and I have begun to feel guilty and afraid of enjoying life and wondering if I am entering a manic phase. (When my bi polar disorder was rampant, one of the things I did when high was to spend, spend, spend.) This has led to me feeling unsteady this week and under pressure.

Now that I am writing this down, I think I am just freaking somewhat because I am not used to having a happy life and a trouble free one and enjoyment without guilt. I worked hard to get here and I deserve what I have now. Yet that devil on my shoulder is not always easy to get rid of.

At the shows, I have become 'famous' all because of the way I dress, especially my colourful footwear. All sorts of people come up to me and speak to me. I am complimented a lot on my outfits. I enjoy it. I had no idea this would happen. Naive of me I know to think my dressing up in such a fashion would not cause a stir. However, I look smart and different and people enjoy eccentricity in others it seems. Yet there is a part of me that just wants to run away. A part of me that says ' WTF are you doing?' It reminds me of when I was in high school where the last thing I wanted was to be noticed. On a daily basis, I was spat on, kicked, pushed over, thumped, even burned once, called 'shit' and other names.

So I didn't want to be noticed. If I had known a few years ago I would be doing what I am doing now, I would not have believed it and I would have been terrified by thought of it.

Yet, I am not in high school anymore. What is happening now is vastly different. The comments made to me have all been complimentary. Complete strangers coming up to me and being nice and saying how much they like what I am wearing. I have only had two people say to my face anything negative which was they thought the way I dressed was distracting to the judge! Mind you, I have also been told the same about my walking stick, which if I didn't use it, I'd fall over. I don't know the motivation behind these comments but I am astute enough to know it isn't concern that the judge won't be able to judge my dog because he or she is blinded by my outfit!

Writing this blog is such a help to me. I awoke disturbed this morning as I have done the last few mornings. I did the dogs, got my coffee and came up here to do my banking, which I do daily, and read the emails. I then thought to write on my blog and here I am doing so and in the process have figured out what is bugging me.

Fear. Plain and simple. I am just not used to life being so good. I am not used to being so 'out there'. I do have the urge, when I am at the shows, to run away, or to change into somethingdull and scruffy and to blend away into nothing. Not always. Just sometimes. I won't do it of course. I can't now imagine going to a show and not being dressed up for it. After all it is a SHOW.

I enjoy dressing up so much. I know a lot of that is because of the weight loss, but it is also because it is who I am. I had a brief go at this when in my late teens, and slim, but it caused so much rage in my family I quit. I like to smart and colourful.

The colourful part really surprises me. I used to be pretty much a black/brown/grey person. Not anymore! I wear pink boots for goodness sake! Waistcoats plastered with a riot of colour. Primary colours galore. It's fun. It makes me feel alive. And it brings positive energy toward me from others and not the mean spirited crap I used to get.

Discovering myself is really quite exciting.

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