Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Breaking Habits

It came to me the other day that I still have this sense of impending doom I carry with me. I still feel pretty much as I did when a child - always waiting for the pain. It always happened too. Everyday at school and whenever my father felt like it. At school it was punches and kicks and spit and name calling. My nickname was 'shit'. At home it was more of the same, no spit and no shit but useless, stupid, lazy, an embarrassment and fists.

As well as being taught to hate myself, I was also taught not to enjoy anything or love anything because
I would suffer for it. My childhood experiences confirmed this teaching. It always ended in tears and loss. If circumstance didn't make it so, my parents made sure it did.

I thought about this as I know there is no need for me to still live my life in dread of tomorrow. Something had to be done. Experience has taught me that once I recognize a problem, the solution presents itself. Either a cure or a way to live with it.

I mentally ask for help and I meditate and sure enough I begin to feel relief from whatever the problem is or I see the solution. In this case, I have felt much lighter this last week. I actually feel happy. I am happy with my life and with myself. I can deal with whatever comes my way but for today I can ENJOY myself and what I have.

I deserve this. I nearly lost it all to get here and it was excruciating. Yet I am here, alive, and happy with who I am and with what I have. How lucky am I? Would I trade? No way. Do I wish to be young again? No way.

Not in a million years would I have believed that I would be who I am today. I would never have believed I could live with 24/7 physical pain. Believe me, it is far far easier to live with than emotional anguish. I think this is why I rarely feel sorry for myself on my bad days. I just remind myself how bad it used to be and then the pain I have doesn't seem so bad at all.

About the meditation: I am never certain if I meditate or nap. The other day I know I napped because I started the meditation at 11:55am and the next thing I knew it was 2:30pm. I think it is safe to say I went to sleep.

Oh, and I have started the clear out of my stuff. Not at all easy but it is under way. A pile of ill fitting clothing has gone and another pile hung up in wardrobes. I still haven't shifted coned yarn and machines but they will go and soon.


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