Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I haven't mentioned something I have learned. It is very difficult, if not impossible to undo the learning of disassociation, shutting down of one's feelings.

I wonder if the people who have seen me handle Whitney to her big wins have thought me a miserable git. I don't smile. I show nothing. I don't not show my feelings deliberately. It is automatic. I have found out that not only do I shut down bad feelings but good ones too. Although, the difference now is that I am aware of my feelings even if no one else can see them.

Inside I am thrilled to bits. I could cry. This is a dream I have nurtured since I was 12 years old coming true. I could not be happier about it. It just doesn't show, but believe me I feel it.


FuguesStateKnits said...

I'm so sorry that you suffer yet one more scar from your childhood. I think your writing does a great deal to show how you feel - and there is a joy I see in your face in your recent pictures - especially when you are with John and/or your dogs. In fact, one of the most poignant pictures you've shown on your blog is the one of you at about 10 or 11 years of age with your beloved dog. I think they taught you how to love unconditionally:)And your writing helps you to express that love:)

BammerKT said...

That is a very interesting question (about dissociation). I wish I knew the answer. My mom is a therapist and we were talking recently about a person with the apparent ability to dissociate for stressful periods, but otherwise emote normally. I have no idea if it' for real, or if the "normal" times are not real.

I think it's fabulous though that you are enjoying your wins even if only internally and the outfits are a treat too!

anachronist said...

It is so good to read that the feelings are inside and can be recognized but just do not show.

To be 'Mr. Pokerface' was necessary to survive, so the ability probably sticks to you.

If people who do not know you closer do not see the feelings in your face, it can not be helped, but the ones who know you a little will see it.

No worries :-)

LizzieK8 said...

Not showing your emotions is self defense. If you're happy, someone will try to take it away from you; if you're sad,someone will keep doing "it" to keep you sad.....

Being autistic and always accused of no empathy.... It's just I've learned that to protect what I feel, I have to keep it to myself.