NO REACTION

I haven't mentioned something I have learned. It is very difficult, if not impossible to undo the learning of disassociation, shutting down of one's feelings.

I wonder if the people who have seen me handle Whitney to her big wins have thought me a miserable git. I don't smile. I show nothing. I don't not show my feelings deliberately. It is automatic. I have found out that not only do I shut down bad feelings but good ones too. Although, the difference now is that I am aware of my feelings even if no one else can see them.

Inside I am thrilled to bits. I could cry. This is a dream I have nurtured since I was 12 years old coming true. I could not be happier about it. It just doesn't show, but believe me I feel it.

NOT BEING THERE

The more I think about yesterday, the more annoyed I am, or disappointed, that I wasn't 'present' to enjoy it. Even my memory of it is from outside of it, not from the inside. This is so like the way I recall my past. I remember most things from outside. I just don't get why it is the same for this momentous thing in my life, the thing I have waited 38 years for. It happens and I disassociate. Damn. I would so rather have felt it and experienced it there and then. Not just be told about it afterwards.