Sunday, April 26, 2009

NOT BEING THERE

The more I think about yesterday, the more annoyed I am, or disappointed, that I wasn't 'present' to enjoy it. Even my memory of it is from outside of it, not from the inside. This is so like the way I recall my past. I remember most things from outside. I just don't get why it is the same for this momentous thing in my life, the thing I have waited 38 years for. It happens and I disassociate. Damn. I would so rather have felt it and experienced it there and then. Not just be told about it afterwards.

6 comments:

Nan said...

Big moments do pretty much the same thing to all of us. We are too stunned to fully appreciate what is going on at the time. It doesn't detract from it to be enjoying it later.

When I sold my first short-story earlier this year, I think I was too slack jawed to really realize what was going on until later. It's still a thrill, however.

Jane said...

Don't be hard on yourself! This is a "conditioned" reaction to a momentous event, even a good one. You will learn to respond in different ways as you separate your past from the present. You always knew Whitney was good, now you know how truly special she is. I can't believe how different she looks when she is all tarted up.

nana said...

What those bad memories and this big moment have in common is the strong feelings.

Your mind has to learn that there are good strong feelings and bad ones. the disassociation takes place when something is overwhelming. You can just give yourself time and not be angry at yourself to get there that your mind allows in good strong feelings and still sets the boundaries up to bad ones.

You probably know that this is taken from my own past experiences, and that it is a learning curve still going on.

I am sure, We can make it some day to "be there" all the time.

Indigo said...

Indigo Incarnates

I had a similar thing a few months ago. There were three days of my life that are totally missing. I could not account for the time at all. Apparently I did go to work, heh heh. But then, I do have a dissociative disorder.

Lia Nord said...

You'll probably find that elements of this day will start coming back to you as time passes. What's upsetting is your history of disassociation and the similarity of reaction--but as these other posters have said, it's not an unusual reaction for good events! And as you and Whitney go on to more and more of these kinds of wins--and I'm sure you will!--you'll find yourself more able to take things in stride! I'm so pleased for you, and I hope you won't fuss at yourself! Reread what Jane and Nana have said! Print it and post it on the refrigerator and keep repeating it to yourself!

HunterXan said...

I'm so sorry, Colin.

If it helps, I've done the same thing, but not because I've disassociated. I simply assume it won't be my entry or me that is chosen, so I don't focus on what is happening around me, but rather on whoever I'm with---and I totally missed the big announcement.

It's a human thing. We have only so much attention available to spread around. I know, though, it must be terribly frustrating to try to separate what is "simply human" from the disassociation issues, and to know where you need to work on the disassociation and where you need to allow yourself some slack.

Peaceful blessings and hugs to you.