Friday, April 10, 2009

BLAMING THE VICTIM

I am getting really fed up with the remarks about me writing on my blog about my holiday. This is NOT why we were burgled. It is NOT my fault! Who reading my blog, apart from friends, knows where our home is?

Why when something happens to a person is there always this subtle blame the victim thing ?

Writing on my blog is just that. It isn't an open invitation to rob me nor is it to be used by anyone to blame me for anything that may befall me.

Are you really so scared of misfortune that you must simply the blame the person that misfortune befalls in order to make you feel safer?

EDIT: It wasn't so much a comment on here that had me snap. Quite a few people have said it and it has been the first thing they said. I told both sets of neighbours we were away and no dog sin the house. Normal to do so. We were robbed and clearly by people who knew we were away and no dogs were in the house. It has nothing to do with what i said, wrote or thought. Nothing to do with me whatever. Bad stuff happens. One gets a similar response when one tells of someone dying of cancer (an acquaintance just has) and people always ask 'did they smoke?'. Or if a gay man dies 'did he have AIDS? They do this because if they can blame the death on something the person who died did, it makes them feel safer, like they won;t die if they are good. It's that old lie of if we are good nothing bad will happen. So I believe unintentionally people look for reasons to blame the victim in order to themselves feel better and less fearful and it hurts those on the receiving end.

16 comments:

Kathleen Valentine said...

You know what, there are just some bitter, nasty people in this world, Colin. I don't understand it but some people get some sort of perverse satisfaction out of trying to bring others down. Your blog is great --- don't let the nitwits get you down.

I've had to put my blog on Moderate Comments status because of the spamming by the same few morons. Maybe if they had something in their lives that gave them satisfaction they wouldn't have to take their misery out on others.

So there.

Anonymous said...

I enjoy reading your blog and love your knitted socks. I can't understand why people have to be nasty. The world would be a better place without all that. Keep up the good work!
Lynn Bruff in IL

Cindy/KS said...

I don't really see the remark I read as blaming the victim. If a person stops to think for a moment, your picture is on the blog and if it is someone who lives near you and they know you have a blog, then they could easily recognize your face & so know where you live. That is a series of if's, but not totally unlikely to happen.

Pre-Internet for me, we built our house. I was amazed at how many places I went in town, that people recognized me as soon as they saw my address on my checks - because they knew where we were building our house & it was on the same property that we already lived.

At the same time, there was a series of arsons going on in our area & the fire chief recommended that we keep a light & a radio going in the building site at all times to try to discourage someone from setting a fire there. I follow this same line of thought when we travel. I have lights in the house on a timer so that they still come on even when we are gone & we leave a radio on. Since there is usually also a car in the drive, someone who isn't from our circle of friends, probably isn't too likely to know whether we are or are not there.

Yarnhog said...

Of course it's not your fault. Anyone who knows you well enough to know where you live probably also knows when you'll be away without reading it on your blog. And heck, even if you posted it on the roof in neon letters, does that give anyone the right to come in and ROB you?! The only ones to blame are those who committed the crime.

Ravenwing said...

Oh it's just so they can say, "I don't smoke..insert anything...so I won't die from cancer.

My own sister made a rude comment when one of my cousins died from ovarian cancer. She said it was caused my her sleeping around. Fact is my sister knows no such thing,and knowing my cousin is VERY unlikely anyway. I rarely hold my tongue and immediately told her she was WAY out of line.

Mary Beth said...

Yeah, it happens that others have sooo much to say from the luxury of their safe havens. As you know the more personal or private the crime the more vicious the "Blame The Victim" theme. It's ugly. Sorry you're going through yet another crime!

What is NOT ugly is your fabulous new socks. Out of all the knitted socks I've seen in the past # of years I love this yarn the best. You turn a nice heel, Mr. Andersson

joannamauselina said...

You hit the nail on the head about people blaming the victim and trying to rationalize someone else's misfortune in a way that makes the same thing unlikely to happen to them. Rather like primative folk seeking reasons for unfortunate events and relating it all to phases of the moon.

Anonymous said...

Colin, you are so very perceptive about the origin of the thoughtless remarks. Of course you are not to blame. Women who are raped go through the same thing: "She shouldn't have been walking that way", or dressing that way, or whatever. Not everything can be rationally explained.

Anonymous said...

Colin, you are so very perceptive about the origin of the thoughtless remarks. Of course you are not to blame. Women who are raped go through the same thing: "She shouldn't have been walking that way", or dressing that way, or whatever. Not everything can be rationally explained.

Margaret said...

Hi Colin, My sincerest sympathies for the burglary of your home. Your sense of violation and anger are so appropriate to the situation. I hope you will be able to find a way to feel safe and "at home" in your home again. IN NO WAY IS ANY OF THIS YOUR FAULT. I know that you know that, but I reiterate it for emphasis.

By the way, I love your knitting. Keep up the good work! I am also a member of Jeanie's knitalong.

Susie Rose said...

Hi Colin,

I'm sorry about your breakin. Similar happened to me.
And I couldn't do anything about it. I eventually found out who did it. God does a better revenge than I could ever do. So I'd leave it up to Him.

This individual reveled in causing "trouble" for others. A good one was reporting me to animal control because I have 50 cats and there's cat poop all over my house. Animal control was pissed when they arrived and it was a totally bogus claim...4 cats and 1 cat box. One of her "friends" stood up for her by saying, "Well she not a happy person." So because she's not a happy person then its ok to engage in illegial behavor...and your husband is a cop?

As a victim you've done nothing wrong. And from what you say it's an inside job. One way or another they'll get theirs. Have faith on that.

Hugs,

Susie Rose in Cold Creek, NV

karrol said...

Colin you are blessed, the robbers did not get your socks or the dogs. All other stuff is replaceable.
Do not let them take your peace and love of home and family.
You have friends that care about you.
God bless, karrol nicoletto,knitting in Tampa,Fl.

Indigo said...

Indigo Incarnates

No, your vacation has nothing to with you being robbbed. A robbery can take place just as easily when you're at work.

In the Wiccan tradition, I say "sh-- happens". I'm sorry this happened, but you didn't do anything wrong.

FugueStateKnits said...

Oh dear- so sorry! Please forgive me- that wasn't my intention at all!
Hugs,
Joan

Sue said...

Don't let the negative comments get to you, I left to take my Dad for a Dr. appt. and for some strange reason took my dog. That was something I never did! Sure enough someone broke in while we were gone. I am just thankful I took the dog that day, my things can be replaced but my dog certainly can't! Seems there were several break-ins in the area that day and each one the person left for a short time. Police surmise that the robbers saw us leaving and took advantage.

A neighbor got robbed several years earlier because the people who pick up his trash had noticed there was none to be picked up. One worker mentioned it to a 'friend' and the friend did the break-in. They were caught thankfully and it seems they had quite the little system going, the trash worker would tell the friend when he noticed no one home and the friend did the dirty deed. So YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

Get a good security system (ours is not monitored but has quite the loud siren that alerts the neighborhood!) and use it every time you leave for more than a quick walk. It really can give you back that sense of security you now lack.

And try to realize that it could have been just a simple conversation between neighbors that was overheard that gave those thieves their chance! Something as innocent as one person saying they hadn't seen you for a while and the other commenting that you were away. At least I hope that it was not deliberate by someone you trust!

Sue

Anonymous said...

Colin, I know that the feeling of violation and insecurity that happens after someone robs you seems like it will never end... I hope for you, that it will end soon.

For a dear friend of mine whose house had been robbed, he had bars installed on his windows, heavy security doors installed on both front and back doors and a new code system put on his garage door opener. This worked for him and helped him feel safe at home again. Please, think about what it will take for you to make your home feel "safe" for YOU again - and if you finally can't come up with anything, then moving to a new place would probably be your answer.

I say this knowing what the upheaval of moving does to those of us who have the kinds of problems that we have. Please consider weighing the alternatives (as I know you do) before doing something major that may do you more harm than good in the overall scheme of things.

I want to say the "right" things to help you feel better, but, I'm only good at stating the obvious and/or using cliche phrases, so I will simply say "There are people who care about you and your well-being (well, I can speak for myself at least) - even far, far away." My positive thougths and energies are going your way. I hope there is some comfort in that for you.

P.S. I love your socks!! I only wish I had 1/2 of your knitting productivity! ;-)