Monday, June 08, 2009

WOEFUL TALE

Oh! what, these old things? I've had them ages, John.
I went swimming this morning and did not drug up first. Guess who could not swim? Well, I did but painfully and not for long. Okay, that's sorted then. Yes, I know, why don't I just accept I need to drug up to live properly? Easier said than done.

IBS can be a bind. Now if only I could guarantee good farts when I am swimming. Turbo charged laps. Mind you, could empty the pool too. Even the dogs look at me in disgust and leave the room if I fart. Even with the Colofac, dog show days are awful. Of course my gut is worse and gets worse the closer I am to going into the ring. It is really stressful to not fart. See, proof I am a good sport. If I wanted to knobble my competition, I'd just have to let one rip and watch as the dogs all drop like flies.

Weapon of mass destruction? So glad Bush isn't going to read this and if he does, well he's a has been anyway.

Anyway, back to farting. I am at that stage in life when one cannot be certain that it is just a fart. Oh and on the cold days when I am wearing 100 denier pantihose I swear I could float away on a fart. Several actually, they seem to get trapped. I keep away from smokers just in case. I tell you if they found a permanent cure for IBS that would be Global Warming sorted.

And when one is 100% certain that it is not a fart and one goes to the trouble of getting undressed in the loo, gripping the bars around the loo (yes we crips need them) as we go, only to discover it was all a lot of air after all. To struggle up, manage to get your three layers back up, clip your braces on, straighten your hat, only to find that you need to go - and urgently. So you go thru it all again, grunting all the while thru the exertion of having to undress for the second time. Swearing that this time, you will sit there long enough to be certain. And yes, enough air to fill a family sized balloon. Where did it find the time to build up, I ask? How? I just let a rainforests' worth go! So, with a determined attitude, one sits there for 3 minutes, 4 minutes, 5 minutes and then one just has to get up because if one sits there any longer, the body locks and one is stuffed and one has no wish to call out for help while one has trousers and pantihose wrapped around one's ankles. Much grunting and effort later, a final straightening, a quick look in the mirror to make sure all is as it should be, I turn the handle and open the door and turn right round again cos this time I really do need to go. Success at last. All that exertion for what amounts to a chipolata. Give me strength! IBS is no laughing matter so I hope none of you have been laughing at my tale of woe.

12 comments:

Siani said...

LOL. Yes, I did laugh - but only because I'm a fellow sufferer, and know how things can be. Especially when you have to take opiates for pain relief. I call it TBS - Tramadol Bum Syndrome. Seems those of us who need heavy duty meds are doomed whether we take them or not!

Knitting-Twitter said...

Me was laughing out loud... and I am still laughing because .. better not telling you but I guess, you can guess anyway..

ciao ciao Christa from Switzerland which loves your yarn on E... and yes, I am bidding on some...

Yarnhog said...

What, me laugh? (*snort*). I would never do such a thing!

Iris said...

Hmmm. I suppose you'd have an advantage in the ring, your dogs being used to the farts, and all. I can relate to the IBS stuff. I can't tell you how many times I've "finished" up, STOOD up, and started all over again. Such fun!

mad angel said...

I'm sorry, but i laughed, too. One can't help it when you write about it with such humour.

I had the beginnings of IBS years ago, when working for a really awful boss. I would get to work, take one look at her and her bitchy cohort, and bolt for the loo, never sure which end would purge first.

The IBS vanished after the woman was fired, and a month later when I got called back as a part-time temp, the IBS did not re-occur.

Hope yours improves ASAP and you feel better.

Anonymous said...

Chiplolata? I'm jealous after a weekend on the drugs I'm standing up thinking woohoo and finding a rice grain.

Pamela West said...

Me toooo
I needed a laugh today
Thanks Colin - I know how you feel

Pam x

Macy from Buffalo, NY said...

SNORT!..chuckle..belly laugh..!..ROTDF,W-[TBS]-LMAO! (thanks for that, Siani - Great name!) Oh Colin, I SO get it! Before they finally did microscopic colon studies, they called my woes "IBS" & made it sound like it was just a minor inconvenience that I was exaggerating about to get attention. HA! Your blog post should be mandatory reading for all GI drs. That's the rule for us folks, you DADGUM IDJITS, not the exception?!!!!
As for the zeppelin effect, good luck! I'll watch for those Doc Martens flying overhead! ;-)

FugueStateKnits said...

Oh dear - I think farts are the funniest thing God ever invented! She does have a good sense of humor! Reminds me of the comedy routine Steve Martin used to do:
"Mind if I smoke?"
"No, mind if I fart? I tried giving it up a while back, but I gained a bunch of weight...."

picperfic said...

Oh dear poor you...but it did make me laugh! Parp!

nana said...

Oh how this sounds familiar, not me, hubby is the one who does it and describes it just the same.

IBS is a PITA, and no cure for it so far.

It made me chuckle a bit, too. If I keep it in, my head will explode and we don't want to have that ;-)

Margaret said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean! I have to eat a lot of dark, leafy greens (aka broccoli, spinach...) so gas is a fact of life. Very hard to deal with in elevators and other close contact situations! But without the greens, my bone density was becoming an issue, so...

I do like the idea of letting one rip to clear a room (poor dogs) or otherwise change the situation. A WMD indeed! (Isn't chemical warfare against the Geneva Convention?)

What else is there to do, except laugh at it?