Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Xmas

I went to see Elizabeth last night and we spoke about my pain management and drugs. Simply, I cannot take anti-inflammatories all the time because they will kill me or at least make me very much worse by damaging my kidneys and my already diseased heart. I was resigned to that. I can take a course of 7 days when it's really bad but not more often than every 3 mths ideally.

Later, after we had navigated the supermarket which was full of very inconsiderate people who clearly did not care a toss that I needed to get my shopping and decided they needed to get theirs at the same time. Honestly! Perhaps Tesco should have a 'Colin Only' time slot? Don't you think?

Anyway, I was thinking about my talk with Elizabeth and I suddenly realised that this is probably how I shall die. My disease will not
kill me, exactly, but the treatment will. Assuming they do not come up with other safer drugs. I will eventually have to decide if I want a longer more painful life or a shorter pain free one. The drugs will kill me.

Okay, so I know some of you will think this is rather morbid thinking but for me it isn't. It brings me a sense of relief really. Knowing what I likely face gives me a certain peace. Also it means I get to decide when the time comes whether to kill the pain and hasten my death or not. I like that feeling of being able to decide. It isn't anywhere near that time now, but it will come. For now I manage it really well. I do feel so much better for knowing exactly where I stand with this. It will also make it easier to deal with the present pain. Today I awoke, after a fitful night, sore and not very mobile and it was okay.

I am not sure if I have explained my feeling correctly. I am not saying I give in or anything like that. It's just that knowing where I stand with this is a relief to me. Knowing is better. It will also give me more strength to deal with the present. Knowing my choices is empowering.

3 comments:

Sheila said...

Merry Chrismas, Colin. And a happy New Year.

Iris said...

I do think your store should have Colin-only time slots. What are they thinking? Surely your shopping is more important than those inconsiderate rascals who choose to shop when you're out. Tsk! Tsk! You made me chuckle.

Unless I die suddenly of a coronary attack or a stroke, I shall surely die of drug complications. That's because I refuse to die a long, long and painful death. At some point, I'll decide quality is not good enough to warrant living. So there. And I don't feel the least morbid or sad or angry or afraid or anything else.

Anonymous said...

This is an issue of quality of life versus quantity of life. An issue only the person who is going through it can decide in the end.

Quelyn