Monday, December 15, 2008

Dig In The Ribs

Yesterday was not brilliant and today was worse. I ate food yesterday that I knew would upset my gut so am paying for that today. I was in much pain yesterday, couldn't get out of bed until John had got my drugs for me and I took them and got up an hour or so later. I did bugger all all day apart from going to the afternoon service at the Spiritualist Church. This morning, I was in much pain upon waking and couldn't even get out of bed at all. John had to haul me out which hurt. So I have felt pretty rough and a bit sorry for myself and worrying about tomorrow; will I be able to get out of bed? Should I sleep on the recliner chair tonight?

Plus tomorrow is my 50th. I am not too happy about this. I don't mean cos it's my 50th. I am glad of that. How lucky I am to be here. I have no time for those who moan about their age. I count myself lucky to be here. However, this time of year, Birthday and Xmas, rather brings home to me that I have no family.

You know, for years I hid the pain of that under 'the outside of the family abuse pain', the molestation, the bullying, the humiliation. Yet the most devastating pain, the pain that nearly killed me, and the one I denied until last year, was the pain of the humiliation and abandonment by them, my family. Nothing anyone has ever done to me, not the child pornographer, the man in Singapore who accosted me in the jungle and all but raped me, the bullies, the boys who held me down and pissed on me, the boys who kicked me, the teacher who stood by and watched me be burned deliberately, the punches, the being called 'shit' for a nickname, the being spat on. The pain of loss when we moved, the loss of my pets. No none of that is anything compared to the pain those people who were supposed to be on my side caused me by abandoning me and the violence, physical and verbal, from my parents. The denial of it all that left me convinced I was mentally ill. They left me unable to trust myself and my perceptions. The pain of two brothers who left me to my fate and added to the denial and the abuse so that they could shore up their own defences. No nothing anyone ever did to me, nothing I have ever experienced, no loss has ever caused me anywhere near the pain that they did.


Yet I am here. I survived it. I know I lost nothing because they never were, and never will be, able to be there for me. I am not like them. I don't live a lie. I don't hate. I don't mock and I don't sneer. I have compassion and I feel for them. No, I don't want them anywhere near me but I want nothing but peace for them. The same as I want for myself and every other soul.

It happened again. I am feeling down and I get two emails that lift me up. One from a young woman telling that she has gained comfort from reading my waffling on my blog. Wow! That makes me feel good. I sometimes feel panicky about my blog and want to rub out my picture and all identifying things or just wipe it altogether.

Another email from a lady who was basically apologising for having read me in a negative way. I was completely unaware of the animosity she felt but I was so impressed by her email for it's courage and insight. How special is that?

I am always amazed, even though it is frequent, that when I am faltering, I always get a 'hey, but look at this' dig in the ribs from whatever the Power that is, is.

7 comments:

Iris said...

What a wonderful blog entry! I'm sure you have no idea how many people you touch on a day to day basis.

You may have no "blood" family, but you have a HUGE family of friends and admirers.

GailR said...

Colin, you have a family. First and foremost there is John. Next are friends you have both in the UK and around the world. They are an extended family.

Biological family is just that - genetics.

Your real family are those who care for you and you for them.

Debbie said...

I'll second that.

Hope you have a very enjoyable birthday doing things that you want to do. Hope you're feeling better. You have so much to be thankful for -- you did survive!

Happy Birthday from another of your cyber family. (From AranKnit)

FugueStateKnits said...

Hey, sweetie! You're a kid to me! I was born in 54 - the BEGINNING of 54 (Aquarius), so you're jus a baby to me:)
50! Huh! I'm going to be 55 in two short months!
You're as young as you feel and if the way you've been looking lately is any indication, I'd say you are definitely, oh, 35?

Kate said...

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Colin
Happy Birthday to you

As Iris says, you have a family of friends and admirers. There does not have to be a blood tie to qualify someone as family.

Enjoy your day, maybe you should treat yourself to some more DMs to mark this special day?

Kate
(we met at the NEC, I was on the learn to knit stand with you - the girlie with the ultraviolet DMs)

LizzieK8 said...

It's damned unfair that we didn't get a family that understands us. I'm autistic and pretty much have no contact with my family. Better for me all around.

However, it doesn't make it any easier when watching all the schmaltzy Christmas specials about families coming together and loving each other, does it?

I have to believe in an afterlife of some kind, cuz if this is all there is, I'm pissed!

peggy said...

knitman I am so sorry for all the pain that you had to endure. I am sure it has made you a stronger man. As for not having any family, we have to kinds of family, the ones we are born to [ which we can do nothing about] and the ones that we chose, the ones who love us truly for who we are. we are all family by experience and by loving those that we do welcome to mine. peggy