Monday, December 08, 2008

Letter To A Good Friend

I wrote this letter this morning and decided it would serve as my blog for today:

I hope you are both well. I thought I would write and let you know how I am doing.

I have had an excellent year. The last few months of last year when I was so ill has done me the world of good. I finally dumped all that pain and shame I was carrying. I was shocked because I did not know I was carrying it still. It turned out to have nothing to do with the sexual abuse I suffered. It was all to do with the abandonment by my family and the physical and emotional abuse from them. It turns out that my mum and dad and brothers were the greatest source of my pain. The worst day of that period was also my epiphany.

I was in my bedroom, pacing up and down, terrified. I had been in a state of fear for about 3 months by then, crying a lot and feeling ever so frightened. I didn't know why, which was one reason why I was so afraid. The feelings would abate only to come back strongly until I thought I would die or go mad. That day in my bedroom, I called out to Spirit 'if you f'ng well love me, then show me NOW because I can't take this'. At that moment, I felt my gut lurch upwards and I cried out and fell to the floor, clutching myself and crying in a way I never had before. I was feeling what I had been so frightened to feel all of my life and then at 49 years of age, I finally had the strength and support and willingness to feel what I needed to feel in order to have a better life. It was like my very innards were coming up and out of me. I could feel all this poison leaving me. During this scouring I heard myself saying 'it wasn't my fault' and I was saying it to myself. I realised at that moment that the pain I suffered and the treatment I received was not because there something wrong with me but because there was something wrong with those who abused me. Oh I had understood for a long time that it was wrong to sexually molest children and wrong to punch and kick them and be verbally cruel. I knew all that. I did not understand though that these things were done to me because there was something wrong wit the those doing it. I believed that if I had been different, it would not have happened. In essence I still, in my heart, believed I was at fault. I believed I was evil and deserved all I got. I know in the deepest part of me now that this is not true and I am free as a result. At this time, my longest time friend phoned me and she talked to me as if I were a child, just repeating how I as not to blame and how they were the bad ones, not me. She didn't need me to explain where I was.. She knew. Spirit was definitely there.

All through that period, Spirit was with me. I came to understand then that they knew me, really knew me, and that I was loved and cared for and I had nothing to fear from them. I was so frightened and distraught during this period that I went to a church 5 nights a week. Every single time I got a message. It was always the same one and I didn't understand it! The evidence I got with the message was astounding. The message was all about how I was loved and how I was not at fault but as I had not yet had my epiphany, I didn't know what they were on about. I understood though that they were telling me I was not dying. I believed I was and despite the constant message telling me I was not, I was still terrified and believed I was. Of course the fear was connected with what I eventually had to feel in order to heal. In a way I was dying. The old me did.

I can't explain adequately how much this has altered my life and my way of thinking. You should see the way I dress now! I enjoy dressing up and I don't mind at all being noticed. In fact I rather enjoy it. I also am better able to deal with my physical problems today and my mood is stable.

My spirit work has improved immensely. My addresses are well received and I often have people come up to me to tell me how what I shared has really helped them or giving them a different way of thinking about their own life. I know that I am talking to at least one person like me when I go to work. The evidence I get and give out is also much better though I think that has more to do with my growing confidence and trust.

I have always had difficulty trusting. Not just others but myself. I was constantly taught when young that my perceptions were wrong, that what had happened had not happened.
So I doubted myself constantly. I am often told to listen to my gut. Much easier said than done because I did not not know how to listen. I was in a state of perpetual fear so it was difficult to know what my gut was saying!

Well, Spirit has found an interesting way to teach me about my gut. Through my dog shows. I came to realise earlier this year that possibly my gut was telling me how I would do at the show I was going to. It had nothing to do with what I thought at all. I have done badly at shows I thought I would do well at and have done well at shows I thought I would do badly at. And it seems my gut is telling me and that is what I need to note and not what I am thinking. The night before the show, or when I awake to get ready for the show, I will be busy doing something and I will get a sudden thrill feeling in my solar plexus or I will get a sinking feeling. It took me a while to connect this with the dog show. It would seem, from my taking note, that the thrill feeling I get is telling me my dog will do well and the sinking feeling is telling me my dog will not do well. I am also beginning to notice that there is a difference in thrill feeling. The last show I went to, I had the thrill feeling the night but I also felt excited about going when I awoke. My dog won. Now, this happened at previous shows where I did more than just get placed, but won.

This is new for me so I am still testing this out. If it is as I suspect, teaching my to trust my gut feeling, then that is excellent because I need to trust. It seems that I need to trust myself more than I need to trust others. Now if only my gut would tell me about the show when it is entry time because it could save me much money!

It is about 18 years since I first met you, *****, and that day is very clear in my mind. I recall what you said to me later about that day and how you felt when you first saw me. I am so glad that the feeling you got from me did not send you running in the opposite direction. So many people did. They misinterpreted that awful feeling to mean I was to be feared instead of surmising correctly, as you did, that they were feeling the pain I was carrying. You gave me your number and I would talk to you about everything but the problem for about two years. The one day I began to tell you about my past and you said you had been waiting for me to do so and you knew I would. I was so relieved because i was very sacred of telling you because I was sure you would reject if you knew just how bad I was. After all, if my parents and brothers could treat me that way, I must be wicked mustn't I? You didn't reject me and it lead to where I am today. Both you and **** have been there for me in my darkest hours and I am thankful always that you came into my life. How amazing are the workings of Spirit.

I am 50 years old on the 16th of this month and I am truly amazed to be alive and sane and happy. Yes, I am happy. I am comfortable in my own skin. I do not want to be anyone else. I like being me. I don't feel I have to please any more nor be liked by all. Okay, so I have physical problems and pain 24/7 but it is far far preferable to the fear and emotional pain I was in. Oh and of course I have times when I am in that type of pain, the emotions are raw again and the fear comes but those times pass more quickly and easily. The pain can be just as intense but the fear is less and I know what it is which makes it all so much easier. I lived with pain and fear for so long not knowing at all what it was or what caused it.

I do not know why I had the past I had. I have not heard any explanation I can accept. However, I did have that past and it has made me who I am now. There is much I do not understand. I do not know why we are all here. Nor do I know why we are. I do not know the meaning of life. I accept I am not equipped to know. Just like everyone else. None of us are capable of understanding.

I do know that we all survive death. I do know we are loved. I do know I am loved. I do know that those already in the Spirit know us and love us and help us. This I can live with.
With much love and gratitude,



Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this, Colin. It was very moving.

LizzieK8 said...

Thanks for sharing. A great letter to a great friend.

Happy Birthday! Many returns of the day!

Anonymous said...

Dear Colin ..

Your friend was right .. none of what happened to you as a child was your fault. It's a true delight to watch you realizing that and growing into your own Self, wild colored trews and shoes and all.

Now you're about to celebrate another milestone birthday. May your NEXT 50 years be filled with love and joy, peace and laughter.

Warmest hugs,
Maggie & Ruby C

FuguesStateKnits said...

Colin, thank you so much for sharing this! From time to time people ask me if I believe in the resurrection and of course I do - I have evidence - you:)
much love and peace and joy this season in which we celebrate that unconditional LOVE:)
Merry Christmas - and Happy Birthday soon:)!!