Not Sure

I still do not know what we are going to do next week. The original plan was to visit York. We don't want to make up our minds and book a hotel till Tuesday or Wednesday so we can see what the weather is likely to be. No point going if it is going to be raining.

Flying: I really am not sure about this. I want to get over the fear but the more I think about it, the less inclined I feel to do it now! I want to for all sorts of reasons, mainly because I don't like being limited. I also want to visit the USA again. This time I shall loads of people to visit.

Perhaps Edinburgh? Only a 50 min flight. I think I could cope with that. What has really put me off is not being able to knit on board. How stupid. I can't imagine being able to calm myself and not knit.

I am having a day off today. No swimming. I went to bed late last night, got up late. I am going to have a a lazy day.


DEMONSTRATION

Last night I did demonstration of mediumship.

The first 20 mins was given over to a young woman of 28 who is just starting out. She was excellent, gave very good evidence.

I then did my bit. I gave all my messages with my back to the people. I did not hear their responses either. Instead, they silently indicated yes or no or maybe to the person standing next to me and they told me what the answer was. It worked well and the evidence was good. The reason for doing it thus was to show that

1. I am not cold reading(a beloved bit of nonsense from sceptics),
2 . Am not picking up anything from the voice(there are none to listen too)
3. That a medium (nor the spirit communicator ) does not need to hear a voice in order for the communication to happen.

I found it good from my point of view too. I worked more quickly, my confidence wa snot affected by a sea of faces looking at me, and it was very good to not have a clue who I had given the messages to. They were accurate and to the point. I htink that is why I liked it, when I think of it, I was more bold and gave just what i had to give cos I couldn't see the recipient!

FEAR of FLYING

We want a short break, Wednesday to Saturday. Budapest or Barcelona are only 2.5 hrs away. If I will fly.

I used to love flying. Then I took a flight in 97 to Boston, USA and I was petrified. As soon a sit started to take off, I felt dreadful and it took all my strength not to yell for them to stop and let me off. How embarrassing!Even more so on the way back because on the flight out, I was unaware that I would be scared. I hated the close din feeling and the feeling of the flight itself. Very weird feelings physically.

I think I need to face this fear head on and the only way to do it is to fly. As I am typing this I am getting worked up about it.

Driving is out of the question. Also, if I could fly, I'd open up the places we can go.

I have also ascertained that I will not be able to knit on board.

Same Sex Marriage

John and I can legally marry if we choose to. We will choose to.

However, in the land of the free, this is still outlawed and here is a blog which gives good reasons why this bigoted law must be repealed:

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

I Was Run Over By A Bus

I wasn't but that is just how I feel today. I don't recall the last time I felt so bad. Everything hurts. I had a really good day yesterday. Up at 5.30am, went for my swim, bathed a dog, knitted, watched DVD (Miss Austen Regrets), was asleep by 11am. I awoke first at 1 am for a pee, felt fine, awoke again at 5 and knew I would not be going to early swimming. I then slept fitfully, trying to get comfortable. I got the horseshoe shaped pillow stacked up, laid back on that, which helps. However, it wasn't just that weird ribcage pain, but my hips, my feet, my hands, my everything. (Do I hear a song coming on?)

So I shall probably go to a later session swim or not at all. We'll see. Grrrr. I really don't mind the physical stuff, I just hate it when it stops me doing as I please. I have dogs to bath so I sent some Tramadol and paracetamol down the hatch and once they kick in, I'll bath Micah.

You now, recently I have felt so much better that I had begun to think it was over. That I was cured. Fool.

I am still wearing my Odd Ball socks, the second day. How decadent of me. I like them so much I think I am about to cast on another pair. Or maybe I'll dive str8 into the new Regia Kaffe Fassett ones.

I am almost 100% certain that Shameless is up the duff. She has gone off her food, has that really gormless look on her face, is being lovey dovey to me, and I can feel chick pea sized lumps where as yesterday they were pea sized. They will be marble sized by Friday and then I will know for certain. Oh, I can be certain now but I don't like to be until I feel marble sized balls.

I am looking forward to this litter. I have really gone out on a limb with my choice of sire. He is the best dog I have ever had my hand son, everything in the right place. Yet he is from a line of close breeding that I would not aim for. I just feel this will work. Time will tell. (Of course I look forward to every litter!)

Alive and Well

I had an email and telephone call to see if I was alright because I have not blogged since last Wednesday. I hadn't realised it was so long.

On Saturday I went the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham(95 miles away) to volunteer on the UK Handknitters Association stand.

Fred, who asked me, was very helpful to me in that he helped me to and from my car. Had I jot gone in my wheelchair, I'd have been in trouble. It was very crowded and in minutes I'd have fallen over if I had just used my sticks.

During the day, especially at lunchtime, Amanda guided me around. She walked behind my chair, not pushing me, and went 'beep beep' in a loud voice whenever we got stuck.

I really had a very good day. I taught three people to knit and one to crochet. One of the people was a big burly man who I at first thought was going to be trouble when I saw him approach. I was wrong. he wanted to learn to knit. He has huge hands! He wanted to have something to help him relax. So I taught him.

I was very surprised to learn that I was a patient teacher. No trying to be either. I just was. I didn't get riled at all and didn't think 'idiot' once! I really am surprised I could do it without feeling frustrated.

I did, of course, buy some sock yarn but only 6 balls. All were of the new Regia Kaffe Fasset range. I also bought some darning needles which had bent ends. They are excellent for sewing.

I came very close to sticking my foot in it. One of the women I helped mentioned that she home schooled. I was surprised and said I know it is very popular in the USA but not so here. I almost said it was popular with religious nutters. I didn't. Guess what? She was a religious nutter! And I said not a word about it. I did not have a go at her and tell her she was abusing her children. I just let it go. Maybe I am coming down with something?

Aran Sweater Front

This is my own design and is going to be for me. I knitted it using 3.75mm KnitPicks Options. the yarn is a pure wool yarn, 2/8's used twofold, which works out at about 200m per 100gr. This is taking me a while as it is rather hard on my hands. I am happy with it though. It is raglan in shape with a round neck. I will decide on the collar once I am ready to knit it. The knitting you see will flatten out once it has been washed but it will retain it's relief well. I really like this AirForce Blue colour.

Nan's Blog - Very Interesting

Self Betrayal

You may find nan's blog as interesting as I do. I have not finished reading her yet. Nan has much to say and it resonates with me.

Homesickness

On and off, for most of my life, I have felt terribly homesick. It has been very painful and very confusing. Confusing because i have not known where I was homesick for.

Was it Germany? Australia? Singapore? Gibraltar? England? Where? I even wondered if I were sickening for some place long forgotten in a previous life.

Eventually I realised I was sickening for a place that I belonged. A place I felt loved and accepted and cherished and above all felt safe. A family. It was this, a family, I was homesick for. A family that loved me and accepted me and cherished me. I didn't have that. No, if you are a regular reader you know this, I am not an orphan. I night as well have been and certainly it would have been far less painful than the truth. I have just recalled how about 31 years ago, I was on a bus, riding to nowhere as I was wont to do. I was depressed. A kind elderly woman got talking to me as she sensed my sadness. I felt ashamed of my unhappy state and certainly could not tell her the truth for she would just think I must be very wicked to have a family who did not care for me. Instead I told her that my whole family had been wiped out in an accident. That I was an orphan. I had to tell her something that would explain my misery. Yet it was only a lie in part. My family had not died. I was indeed though an orphan. I had been provided for materially and that is where any care for me ended. Emotionally I was abandoned.

The first person to say they loved me was John. I was 22. I did not believe him. Whilst over the last twenty seven and one half years he has not abandoned me, I do sometimes doubt that he does. Or wonder why he does. He was the first person to see ME and love ME and who found me acceptable. (Oh I had been very fortunate in that throughout my childhood there was always a neighbour or a teacher who saw ME and gave of themselves to me. I am certain that without their giving, I should have withered completely.)

Today my home is John. It is he for whom I feel homesick. Back in June of 04 when I found myself in much physical pain and stranded in Sweden, it took all my strength to not fall apart for longing for him to be with me. I called him and though I tried to hide how I felt, he knew and he flew out to meet me so we could drive home together. I knew, then, there alone and in pain, just how alone and in pain I would be were he no longer with me. Were he dead. I knew I would not be able to call him. I felt so much longing for him then it frightened me for I knew this would one day come. If not to me, then to him.

The thought of a life alone, back how it was growing up, holds a very special dread for me. I feel I would rather not have life at all were it to be like that. No one in my life can love me the way he does. Warts and all. I wonder how he does. I am difficult. I am demanding. I am 'high maintenance'. I am not trusting. There has never been anyone in my life like him and never will be. I do not mean to diminish my friends, but they do not truly know me the way he does.

I sometimes wonder if I even know what love is. Do I love him? How could I not when he was the first to love me? Is that it? My one anchor? My one rope that pulled me to safety? I used to think so. Until the day I imagined him suffering and it caused such a feeling of anguish in me, I knew I loved him in return, for who he is, and not just because he loved me.

In his love for me, he has never lived my life for me, never controlled me or mopped up my mess. I have been angry at him for that! No, he left me to grow up whilst the supported me. I am an independent person and I hated feeling weak. Now, my body has made me dependent again and it angers me that still he needs to takes of me. Yet, I am fully aware of my good fortune also and again I wonder at it. Why?

I do not know. I just don't take it for granted. Everything could change in the blink of an eye.

Oops

I got about 8 hours sleep though not without the trip to the loo and i also had that cramp in my ribcage again. definitely positional. I got my horse show shaped pillow and laid back on that and was able to sleep longer till pain forced me to get up.

By the time I had my coffee and drugs I felt I could go for a swim but determined before hand that i wa sonly going to do half my usual swim. I stuck to my word too though to be frank it wasn't hard tostick to as the swim took some effort.

Now I am freezing cold even though the house is warm and i am dress warmyly. I am going to bed. It seems I ought not to have swum today after all.

I find it really hard to not do stuff when I feel fine after a strenuous day, in order to avoid worse. A bit liek taking painkillers when not in pain but to avid coming pain. Well, I guess I am going to have to learn cos now I feel really cold which is a sign for me that all is not well.

Good news-Crestor, one of the drugs I have been taking this last 5 years, has excelled in studies showing that it dramatically reducing heart attacks and strokes.

Peeing Down

The weather is atrocious. I just got home thru heavy wind and rain. Micah was 2nd and so was Whitney. My boots were 1st! ;-)

For The Club Show (LACS&SW)

This is my 'German' clobber for the show tomorrow. The boots are Dr Martens.

More Dyeing

I have been sleeping very well this last few nights. Still have woken for a pee, but otherwise am sleeping well. Pain wakes me up eventually, in my pelvis and lower back and hips and I get up but am in bed about 8 hours which is a long for me. The only day I got up my usual 5.30am was Tuesday. Wednesday I didn't swim at all and in fact only knit and watched dvds (Jane Eyre). I am getting better at giving myself a break. Thursday I overslept and so went swimming in the afternoon and Friday, I again slept late and went swimming later.

I prefer to be up early and am not sure how I feel about this sleep pattern change but I am very aware that I feel better for having the longer time in bed. I am trying to just go with the flow. The shorter time in bed and not so good sleep will come back so i will take advantage of this good period right now. Strangely enough, I have more pain and weakness and fatigue this week despite the better sleeping but I mentally feel stronger.

I am up early today because I need to sleep early tonight. I have a dog show to go to. This is Whitney's final puppy class as she is a year old on the 16th. It is Micah's last show too until his coat matures. He is 3 and Lhasa Apso do not fully mature until they are 4-5 yrs old. The show is in Stroud, about 160 miles away.

I bought 5 white roll necks and am dyeing them. I have dyed in olive, purple, and yellow so far. The orange one is being done as I write this. Then I have one left to do in deep pink-more Fuchsia I think.

I buy roll necks in size small and they fit well. Too close to wear on their own but I only wear them under a sweater. I buy the small because I must have the neck fit close to my neck not bagging downwards. That defeats the object. I like my neck to be warm.

I did persuade John to have some more time off and he is taking the last 3 dyas of the last week of November off. We probably won't go anywhere, not abroad. We were thinking of going to Paris on the Eurostar but decided that it was too risky for us both. Too cold or wet would cause problems for us. Wet would be no fun at all and cold would physically make it hard on John for his chest and on me for moving. So we will stay here and maybe go on a day trip somewhere. I have never seen York and might give that a shot on a good weather day, if there is one.

Innocent Slips Of The Tongue (warning rude bits)

We have a new central heating control. I knew how to work it but it was the first time John had seen it.

I yelled upstairs, 'would you put the heating on please?'

He yelled back, 'how?'

My reply was, 'just put in on cont.'

He yelled back, 'there's no need to be rude!'.

Having been taken aback I then said, 'no, click the button until CONT shows on the screen.'


I had my hair cut today.

Sue and I mentioned how we don't go thru the night without peeing now. She complained that her partner took forever. I was trying to find a polite way of explaining why a night time pee for man is not easy.
'I know it takes time. We can't just pee when it is pointing upward. It makes it hard.'
Her response was, ' I see where you are coming from.'

At that we both burst out laughing.

Last night at my spiritual meeting I was discussing with two women a news item about Sphinx cats. They are hairless and delightful. I knew someone who bred them. I said stroking them was like stroking a suede hot water bottle. Carol was walking by and asked 'what's like a suede hot water bottle?' and I replied ' a hairless pussy' without thinking. Well, you should have heard these ladies roar. I went red but also saw the funny side.

Reminds me of how my dear friend Sarah, her of the very posh voice, said to me at Cruft's , in earshot of a few hundred people, that she looked at my thing every night! (She meant my blog.) It was very funny.

Corrupting The Young

From the title of this post one might assume I am talking about some seedy creep waiting to pounce on children to offer them drugs or take them away to some den of vice. That is not what I mean at all though of course they are a means of doing so.

The corruption I am writing of is that done by respectable people without so much as the bat of an eye lid.

Faith schools are one such method we use in order to corrupt our young. We do so by teaching them fantasy or ideas as TRUTH. We corrupt their ability to think for themselves. We instil in them the fear of questioning, fear of abandonment, fear of being oneself, fear of life. What is more, we know what we are doing and why we are doing it. To control. What is not so clear is that we do so in order to allay our own fears.

Involving children in religious practice or teaching is to corrupt them. In it abuse of the worst kind.(As is mutilation of boys and girls thru circumcision) Children view adults as strong and right and infallible and trustingly. We repay them by corrupting them. We know they will not question and by the time they have reached an age when they have the wherewithal to do so, the damage has been done and most do not and they go on to abuse and corrupt the next generation.

In the west we seem to have very serious problems when it comes to sexual behaviour. High teen pregnancy rates, Right rates of sexually transmitted diseases, a proliferation of pornography, of promiscuous behaviour. Why? Because we are taught that sex is wrong. Either directly or subliminally.

Since the sexual urge is natural to all human beings, we all experience it. To be taught that such urges are wrong is corruption. Certainly my religious teaching left me knowing that truly good people never had such feelings and certainly never acted upon them. Sex was a necessary evil in order to procreate but that was all. It was better not to indulge, even for that purpose. Young women only started to menstruate because they had impure thoughts. If they had not, they remained pure and did not menstruate.

To have sexual feeling toward one's own sex is a sure fire way to burn in hell for eternity. Since such feelings come about naturally and are not bidden nor are they able to be sent packing, one's only choice of thought is that one is evil. After all, one must be to have such feelings.

If one also has a family where the discussion of sex is taboo, then the teachings are compounded and it is highly likely that a lifetime is spent carrying shame and guilt over what is a naturally occurring human feeling.

I believe that one of the reasons that we victims of sexual abuse carry so much shame and guilt is precisely because of this early corruption. Not eh act of abuse on it's own but the teaching we receive from society and religion.

Such shame is likely to stick around for life due to the corruption having been so early in life. For many being able to experience a sexual life that is loving and pleasurable is beyond reach. Instead it is forever tainted by fear and shame.

This is corruption of the young and one reason why it such an evil.

Oddball Socks

I knitted these on a KnitPicks 2.25mm circular. I used the balls out of my odd ball bag. The bits left over from previous socks. I did not choose any, I just put my hand into my ball bag and used whatever came out. I rather like them. The foot is a little longer than I would normally have knit but this is due to the many different colours and yarns altering the row gauge. It took quite a bit of finishing too, with all the ends to sew in. Maybe I will knit them in on the next one but I am concerned it won't hold well and come loose in the wearing.

A New World?

I awoke this morning, put on the TV, knowing that I would hear that Mr Obama is President Obama.

I found myself crying. This man has had a very odd affect on me. Never before has a politician done anything for me. I have not been interested, felt cynical about them all. Certainly the leader of my own country has not bothered me at all, except I was glad that the Tories were ousted but sadly to be replaced by more of the same.

Anyway, when I first saw and heard Obama speak, I just knew that this man was the real deal and the man who had the opportunity to change the world and more importantly change the world's view of the USA.


This morning I have nothing but respect for the USA. I can't believe it! You did it!

You elected a black man to the highest office in the land!!!!

Not a rich born black man either. Now I believe that the USA is truly a land of opportunity.

I hope that he is safe and is kept safe. My poartner who was grown up enough to recall the hope of John F. Kennedy says this is pretty much the same.

I am just amazed that I care so much about this. I do feel that this is really a major turning point in history.

Something has shifted, there has been a change and we can perhaps begin to breath fresh air again.

Feeling Green

The hat is green and bought on Ebay. The shoes are Kickers, also bought on Ebay. The jumper is cashmere , knitted by me on my fine gauge SR830. The jeans are Cold Harbour and dyed green using Dylon. The jacket I bought in Trier, Germany.

DO look at my friend's blog post, it's very funny: post

US ELECTION

Just a quickie as I am about to retire for the night.

I was speaking with John about tomorrow's election and I was saying how I am really invested in the outcome of this in a way I have never been about who is PM here. He agreed and said that it was more important because the President of the USA affects us all and more so than our own leader.

Whilst I know that my joy would mean the disappointment of others, I do hope very much to be feeling good about the USA people's choice. I hope fear of difference, in this case colour, doesn't hold sway. I hope the vote can be done honestly and without fear.

Addi Needles On Ebay

Addi Needles

If you visit, look on left of page to find 'view seller's other items' and click on it. That way you will see all items I have for sale.

Blog Awards

I am touched that anyone would think to give this blog an award. I have not done this to anyone and I will explain why, lest anyone should feel hurt.

I do not have the time! You see, I'd have to give the award to EVERYONE that I read for fear of hurting feelings. I read too many blogs for that.

As far as I am concerned they are all awarded Colin's mark of approval!

Blogging is a quite remarkable thing and it does take some gumption to do it, especially when one is not anonymous. Or maybe only when one isn't. Whatever, I find it fascinating to get the glimpses into people that blogs offer. Mind you, I have to say, that I do now hold back on some things I would otherwise write as I am not anonymous. I couldn't write what I really think about events or people at dog shows for instance. Oh of course I could write it but I don't want the consequences so I don't.

I admit when I first started to blog, I had no idea why. Then it became a way of expressing my deepest feelings and also a way to help me heal. A way to see more clearly. As a by product I discovered much about others and also that my writing my personal stuff helped others too. I did panic a bit when I realised I was no longer anonymous. Then I realised it did not really matter. I have taken particular care to not identify any of those I have written about, especially family. They could not be identified from my writings, I have left those bits out, and not even by my own name as it is not the name I given at birth. I changed it when I was old enough. I know this name change is considered an act of spite or something by my family. It wasn't at all and never occurred to me that it might be seen that way,(cos I was stupid!), it wa snot a way to distance myself form them, or escape debts(which was asked of me!!!). No I changed it because it made me cringe every time I heard it. I could not bear it. It was far too appropriate a name too. Oddly, though I changed it age 19, it was my early 20's before I used the change. I suddenly got my social security number sent to me with the new name on it. I had not realised that what I did had sealed it. I only asked how I went about it. I didn't realise it had been done at the time of my asking. So I had it changed by deed poll just to seal it. Now I can hear my name called and not cringe.

As you can tell, I ramble. This was about why I don't give blog awards.

He That Done IT!!!!

This is the young man my girl has been away on honeymoon with for the last week. She is home now driving my two boys bonkers.

Handschuhe

These arrived in the post today. I am wearing them now. They were knitted for me by my friend Lia in Sandhausen Germany and posted to me from our mutual friend's (Jane) in Holland! The yarn is Lana Grossa MW Merino Print colour number 2101. (The post title is what the Germans call gloves, which I think is quite delightful.)

Socks For Heather

Socks for my friend Heather. The yarn is by ONLine. One of the India colour range. Sorry can't find the ball band to know which one. Anyway, knit toe -up, using my Andersson Heel Mach 2. Used 2mm 60cm KnitPick circular, knit simultaneously. They are short socks because Heather has foot problems and prefers them this way. The feet fit me and are right for her.

Prewarned?

I had a terrible night last night with pain. That weird pain in by back right ribcage. Actually, it's round the front right as well. I hate it, I find it frightening because it feels like something is seriously wrong. It isn't. I have been having it on and off for too long. I'd be dead by now if it was bad.

I am fairly sure it is some sort of spasm. Why? Well, I drove from Calais to Charleois in fog. Slow and tense. The minute I layed down in my hotel bed, this pain hit me and I had to get up again. For some reason getting up stops it. Moving usually does.

I had only thought yesterday morning that I have not had this pain for some time!

Shameless is still on her honeymoon. Micah and Luque had 'words' again which took a while longer to stop. Since then they have been playful with each other. Micah did start to grumble at him and I just said is name in a warning tone and he looked at me and trotted off to his bed like a naughty child.

It is still very cold but lovely days. Very sunny. I have discovered just how good the new flat screen telly is. The sun shines right through the lounge window at this time of year and if one wants to watch telly during daylight hours, the curtains need to be shut. Not with this telly. The screen is unaffected by sunlight. It is set to 'eco' which means it adjusts itself according to the conditions. Amazing. I really like electronic gadgets.

The new bean to cup machine is working very well. Not one hiccup. I have been thru the cleaning process with it too. Also when one has to empty it, I knew str8 away it was a much better machine because it was not filthy inside with coffee grounds nor water. Fingers crossed! Lets hope I am saying the same in 12 months time.

I just finished watching Larkrise to Candleford, a BBC production of Flora Thompson's novel about her young life in the 1880's -90's. I did enjoy though it was rather idealised. It had a happy ending which I like even though I knew it was not likely!

I am trying to get thru to John that the graveyard is full of indispensable people. He is entitled to 6 weeks holiday a year and he doesn't take it because he says he can't which is daft. He wouldn't be allotted 6 weeks if they then made it impossible for him to take it. If we don't get week off together by early December, that will be it for many months because of the puppies. Apart from that, he needs the time off just to recharge.

Fear Patriotism

TODAY

It has been very cold this last couple of days. Today it is -3c (27f). The dogs water bowl in the garden was frozen when I let them out. I am having a day off today-no swimming. I slept in. Mainly cos I went out to a meeting last night and therefore got to bed late.

DREAMS

No nightmares but weird dreams. In one, I was discussing the nature of God and life after death with Celine Dion! Two men were also there , as she was also in concert(!). Someone said the two men were gay and I responded 'don't be silly, they are brothers'. Then I said 'oh, yes, I have two gay brothers.' No Celine did nto divulge any deep spiritual secrets.

I also dreamt that the coffee machine need refilling with beans. John and I were doing this, he passing me the packets of 'value' beans from Tesco. As we looked at each one, they were the wrong kind of beans. They were edible beans not coffee beans.

I told you I dream weird.

PATRIOTISM

I think patriotism is just as dangerous as fundamentalism or the attitude instilled my totalitarian states. I consider myself fortunate in that I grew up in several different countries and as a result do not feel patriotic or nationalist toward anywhere.

I find the pressure put on people's right to free speech and free thinking in the USA by the very very strong indoctrination they receive to be Patriotic, dangerous. Anyone who dares to disagree is immediately classed as 'unpatriotic' which seems to the Americans to be the worst possible thing. This is no different to the kind of pressure people live under in so called authoritarian states. And of course it is all mixed with Fundamentalist religion. Dissent is only for the very strong who can cope with the stigma of being labelled unpatriotic.

That Palin woman! Oh my. I do hope, without cause for I know that so many will believe her, that her accusation of 'Muslim' toward Obama is seen for the ridiculous nonsense it is. She has shown nothing but contempt for the people by this. (I might add here that so what anyway if he is. Isn't America so supposed to be a country where religion and state are separate? Yeah right.)
There are people who clearly think that this man, encouraged by the Fundies, Palin and McCain is some sort of envoy for Bin Ladin! Some even say he is Bin Ladin after plastic surgery!!!!!!

It seems to me that much of the USA people are in chains. The land of the free is not free at all. The demons of Patriotism and Fundamentalism keep the populace in chains.

(And yes of course I know not ALL Americans are so constrained. Some of my closest friends are American. ;-) )

Patriotism and Nationalism are ideas based upon 'separateness' and 'superiority', both being deleterious to the human race. Remember the Fascists? The Nazi's?

I see human beings as one and have never liked the separateness preached by patriotism and nationalism. I don't even like the idea of countries. I am a human being and this planet is my home. How dare anyone prevent me going where I damn well please? Or stop you from doing the same?

COMING UP NEXT (when I feel like it)

Why I believe that belief in Heaven and Hell is evil.

Turbulence

SWIMMING

I had a good swim yesterday but today it was very hard. Don't know why. Normally the first few lengths are hard and then my muscles and bones seem to give and it goes smoothly. Today it did not. I hurt with every stroke. I still did the mile but I am was very glad when it was done.

KNITTING

I am up to shaping the raglan armhole on my Aran and expect to finish this first piece soon. I have just completed another pair of socks for my friend Heather, she of the poorly feet. I shall picture them before I let them go.

DREAMING

I am having a rough time with sleeping. I was out of bed and screaming again Saturday night. Even my naps are filled with anguished dreaming though I have no clue about what. Normaly I have good dream recall but not recently.

DOGS

Shameless is off on her honeymoon. I fear I have jumped the gun with her and taken her too soon but the stud owner is obliging and doesn't care how long she stays there for.

Micah took 4th place at the show on Thursday. He is goign to be taken out of the ring for a year now. He needs time for his coat to mature. Apso tend not be mature until around 4-5 yrs and he just doesn't look that part right now at age 3.

Whitney took 1st and best Puppy In Breed. This was her 6th first and 3rd BPIB.

Micah and Luque have had 3 scraps now! Bastards that they are. Mind you they understand I am top dog so stop when I yell and then spend a few minutes moaning to each other and then they each skulk off to their side of the room! Men!

Orange

The shirt I bought from a designer in Mannheim. We were just wandering and came across her shop. She had loads I really like but I just bought this one and another which I will show off at another time. The jacket was a £300 one on sale for £75. Just my size, lovely soft suede. The boots are Dr Martens. The gloves are Marks and Spencer. The trousers are Chinos that I dyed myself.

Micah and Me

This was taken at Sunday's show. The jeans are a pair I dyed myself. The boots are D.M.'s and the gloves I found at M & S. The waistcoat and bow I have made for me by Jan of Waistcoats Unlimited. You can't really see it here but it has bright coloured parrots all over it.

The Floor.....

....is not a good place to sleep! I was really sick last night, don't know why. I went to the bathroom and hung my head over the loo. The next thing I knew, I awoke laid out on the floor, in great pain but with the nausea gone. Thank goodness, I hate feeling sick. I managed to get myself up and into bed without waking John though I had to move Nechung to had taken the opportunity to move over to my side and my pillow!

John is off all week and we will be sorting out more of my stuff. My mags on Ebay have gone well, all sold. We will tackle my machine accessories this week. More mags will go on Ebay and eventually yarn and knitting tools etc

Shameless will be going on honeymoon this week, Friday probably. Micah and Luque will not be best pleased! So far they are being very good but then Shameless is not at the ripe stage yet and will be gone by the time she is, I hope.

I had a dog show yesterday but the least said about that the better. I have another on Thursday. Hopefully that will be better.

I Am Dyeing

With many thanks to Beverley of Two Fish Knitting, I now have the trousers I wanted! I have been looking all over for coloured trousers. When we have been away abroad, here and trawling the net. No luck. Then Beverley told me about Dylon dyes.Quite why such a simple idea had not occurred to me, one can but wonder. I went to my local Woolies and low and behold, they sell them. What is more, one just chucks the trousers and the dye in the washing machine and VOLIA! one new pair of coloured trousers. I have a pair being dyed Orange right now.

Not So Fun

I ordered a Blu Ray player for delivery tomorrow morning(paid for). I had a hunch and I called them 40 minutes ago to be told 'your payment didn't go thru'. Bollocks! It went thru fine and they know it. However, now they won't deliver until Monday. Funny how my payment suddenly went thru isn't it? Initially I told them to forget it but I am not daft. the cost was very much cheaper than anywhere else. If it hadn't been I'd definitely have told them to stuff it. I do so hate bad service and I hate even more being held over a barrel. Still, the saving is large-over £80($150).

DUH!

It seems I need to point out that my British Gas rant was written in a jocular mood and was meant to raise a laugh not concern for my blood pressure!

Please, those of you who missed that, ask your nearest and dearest to get you a SOH for Xmas!

Thanks Carol!

Sod's Law

I did a good swim yesterday and today. After we went to the shops, I felt like the plug had been pulled. I went to bed but have awoken feeling just as drained. Perhaps it is just the beginning of a flare, the result of my flu jab, or I am coming down with something. I'll soon find out!

My Tabitha is going to live with a friend of mine as a pampered pet. I am bitterly disappointed. She has a slipping knee cap (otherwise known as a medial patella luxation). It is mild and will not harm her but it is not something one wants to have in one's breeding stock. I am very much against breeding from dogs with know hereditary defects. It would of course have to happen to the best I have yet bred. I don't know why it appeared. I know my dogs are all clear and so are the 4 generations on both sides of my dogs. Trouble is one cannot know about all of the dogs behind those one doesn't own, one is always working at least partly in the dark.

Oh, and our weather has been in the low 70s(22c) for the last week....

I've Made It!

I'm a bone fide STAR now! How do I know that?

I am getting HATE mail! Only really BIG stars get hate mail. I feel like I won an Oscar. I can feel a speech coming on. Modesty prevents me writing it out.

Of course the senders remain anonymous. Funny how cowardice and hatred and lack of intelligence go together. Don't these poor souls realise that spewing out hatred is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to suffer the consequences?

Still, being considered a big enough star to warrant such attention does my huge ego good so keep them coming. Perhaps I'll even publish them if anyone has the guts to identify themselves.

I must stop now, my halo needs polishing and I have all those adoring fans to satisfy.....

BRITISH GAS

I left this company 3 years ago. I have been plagued by phone calls from them. As many as 6 a day for 5 weeks running. Then it stopped and has started again. Over the last three years I have had hundreds of calls from them. I am not a customer, I do not want to be customer, I never will be a customer. I detest them. They are expensive. They are useless and they do not understand NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

I even had my phone number put on one of those lists that is supposed to stop these damn calls. All to no avail.

To top it all, British 'f*cking' Telecom have started doing the same thing and it was them I complained to about BG! Now they are trying to sell me their BT Vision tv service. As if I can't read!!! My Yahoo is full of bloody ads for it. I DON'T WANT THE F*CKING SERVICE. F*CK OFF AND STOP CALLING ME.

Now today I have had several calls from the Co Op renowned for being the UK's most ethical company! Since when is it ethical to pester people by phone? I got my car insurance renewal by post last week. It doesn't need to be renewed yet, not until the 1st of November. I DO NOT NEED UMPTEEN PHONE CALLS FROM SOME IDIOT REMINDING ME OR TELLING ME HOW SUPER THEY ARE! I now will search for a better deal elsewhere just because they have really pissed me off.

What gives these people the right to pester me, or you, with phone calls? Where have people's manners gone? Do they even know what manners are? It is bad enough that I fill a truck load of crap post every fortnight to go off for recycling. None of it read or even looked at. Str8 in the recycling bin. WE NEED THOSE TREES YOU F*CKING MORONS!!!! We need to BREATH!!!! The planet is in HUGE trouble. LEAVE THE DAMN TREES ALONE. I don't want to know how special your frigging service is, nor how eco friendly your tampons are. They are not eco friendly if you had to destroy a whole forest so you could tell me how wonderfully eco friendly your tampons are. I DO NOT USE tampons! Though if you come near me I am sure I could find a use for a box or two of them.

And while I am at it, I not yet over 50, I have not got a small dick, I do not want enormous breasts, I have no trouble getting it up though who has the time between answering the f*cking phone and filling the recycling bin and deleting spam! I do not wish to make some woman orgasm till she faints. Urgh! Your marketing leaves much to be desired. And I don't care one jot that some pill or potion will make me the best lover in the whole world. Or make my dick grow huge. What good would that do me? Where would I put it? I have trouble enough pPacking away the one I have thank you very much. The damn thing is always getting in the way when I am driving, or sitting, or if I cross my legs carelessly. Any bigger and I wouldn't be able to move at all for fear of injuring myself. And trying to pee in the morning I would surely miss my house completely, let alone my loo.(Yes, you try aiming for a pee when it is sticking str8 up!).

The only thing I need saving from are those arrogant pratts who knock on my door. You know the ones. They are incredibly polite speaking(though it doesn't occur to them how rude it is to disturb you in the first place and then tell you how you will rot in hell. Now THAT IS RUDE to say the least). They wear little badges with their names on (in case they forget) and telling me they are from the Church of Latter Day Saints. MORONS in others words.

The there are the Jehovah's Witnesses who proudly proclaim they are God's chosen ones and everyone else is wicked and wrong but out of the goodness of their hearts they are disturbing my morning poo to offer me salvation!!! The last one had a child with her and made the child offer the stuff for the recycling bin! Had I not been desperate to finish what I had started in the loo, I'd have screamed something about child abuse at her. Another Moron!

Oh and does it end there? No. I have a sign on my front door. NO SALES PEOPLE, NO CHARITIES, NO RELIGIOUS WANKERS (Oh okay it says 'hawkers'.) Who knew there were so many JW's, Fundies, Mormons, and sales people, that are illiterate? Ah, it all makes sense now. At least as far as the religious hawkers are concerned. They can't read which goes some way to explaining their gullibility. Anyway, the quickest way to get rid of them is to invite the smart young men in to see if they can cure me of my homosexuality. It works. Every time. The Fundies and the JoHo's are gotten rid of quick smart by me explaining that I talk with the dead.

The last guy who tried to sell me gas and electricity, told me he wasn't selling. He was just concerned for my well being and wanted to make sure I was getting the best deal! Now, where did I put that box of tampons?

Then of course there are the charities. Wanting any old clothes or books or metal or cars or washing machines or.... the list is endless. And the printed matter from them says in very small print that they are not a charity despite the fact the big picture on the front shows a starving child.

I do hope you realise that normally I am a mild, not easy to rile, kind man who has just been driven to the point of wishing to nuke the bastards.

(If you are a Mormon, a JW or BA Fundie or a sales person or a telesales person, I can only hope I have offended you. If you are one of the first three, the religious lot, beware you are not de flocked just for reading me, assuming you could. Sorry for the lack of pictures.)

Oh B*llocks!!!!

I know I owe email responses to people. I am not ignoring you. I just feel like s**t right now. My swim went badly thru weakness and pain, John is not here and I just received bad news regarding one of my dogs which means she is not breedable nor showable and I am bitterly disappointed.So I don't much feel like writing back to anyone for now.
I'll bounce back soon enough . Right now all I want is a fag and some chocolate. I won't have either of course, even more reason to feel sorry for myself!

Dear Anonymous

"regardless of how much this person irritated you it is extremely poor taste to post private emails like that online.
note to self: never email colin, you never know where it may end up."

The above was left by an anonymous poster. I did publish it under the post OUCH!

I have a few things to say.

Firstly, I did consider whether or not to write that post . Clealry I decided I would. I made sure the writer was not identified. It is still possible I made the wrong choice.

Having said that, the person who wrote the comment shows a lack of courage and integrity in choosing to snipe anonymously. It seems to me they can hardly expect others to heed their call to behave in the way they think is better when they themselves show such a lack of integrity.

I now err on the side of having decided to post it if for no other reason than it will make people think twice before they send off emails that are mean of spirit, as Anonymous points out.

GRRR!

I just had a phone call from John to say he is not coming home until Sunday because of some do at work.

I am really p'd off. It took ages to convince him to have his flu jab which is booked for Saturday morning. Of course, he won't be here. John has COPD and just refuses to face facts. At least he takes antibiotics when he needs to. We had terrible rows last year because he kept ignoring me telling him he needed them. Eventually I refused to drive him to the station unless he went to the Dr. The Dr told him str8 I was right and he needed to take the pills. I still had to nag him this time. He thinks coughing up gunge means his lungs are clearing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I have done all I can do.

I just hope his will is in order!

NEW BOOTS

I think these are my favourites. Very pleased indeed with these. I relied on the salesman, also named Colin, to describe them to me. I am glad I trusted him.

Magazines on Ebay

I am selling some old Interweave Knits, Simply Knitting and Knit Today on Ebay.

My handle is carlypersian.

You can search by that or click on link below (a listing) and then click on 'view sellers other items' on left hand side of page.

a listing

Starman

Knitted in Regia Galaxy col: 1554, 75% superwash wool and 25% nylon. I used Hiya Hiya 2mm needles, one circular needle for each sock, knitted alternately so both finished at the same time, more or less. These are knitted toe up.
Again I used my own heel, Andersson Heel Mach 2.

All Change

DAILY ONLINE BANKING

I do our banking everyday on the net. I check all accounts. It is just as well I do. Today there were 7 payments made using one of the credit cards that were not made by us. What annoys me the most about this is that they were not flagged as suspicious by the card company. All were made on the same day and all to pay- as -you- go mobile phones. Also, I have only used this card online so that means someone I have paid is not secure.

SWIMMING

I am experimenting with different times for my swim. I already go later on Monday as I take John to the train so can't go my normal time. I also go late on Friday. I have now realised I can go later on the other days too (except weekends) so am going to see how this works out for me. It means I don't have to get up at 5.30am. I like to get up early but it means having to be asleep by 10.30pm which is difficult because of John's hours. He always phones when he gets in. Anyway, this way might mean I get better sleep. On the other hand, as the later swims are lunch time or afternoon, it may well prove impractical.

DITZ

Okay so I knitted two sleeves of a cashmere sweater and am on the body now. By machine. I was sitting last night knitting my sock and I suddenly thought about the two sleeves I have knit and realised I made a boo boo. A real boo boo! I have knit the sleeve head the exact same depth as the body armhole, instead of 10cm less. No matter how long I have been knitting, I still make idiotic mistakes. At least I realised this before I got to sewing up stage. I now have to frog and start over with the correct calculations!

Magimix Robot Cafe

Our second bean to cup machine. Bought from Amazon. Over £300.

Much to our relief it worked fine - for a few days. Then it started to go wrong. We sent it back to get fixed and it came back fixed.

It worked! For a short while. Then it got temperamental again and like the Gaggia, refused to make coffee unless it was in the mood to do so.

It was badly designed and very difficult to clean.

Then it stopped working all together.All flashing lights. I read a review on Amazon from a customer with the same problems and Magimaix charged him £80 each time it was fixed.

We dumped it in the tip.

We now have a new machine. A DeLonghi. Recommended by the Good Housekeeping Institute. So far so good-not a single blip and excellent coffee. Lets see what the future holds. If this machine is also crap, that will be it. We will stick to the stove percolator.

GAGGIA SYNCHRONY COMPACT

I adore coffee. Real coffee. Decaf or or not. It is my one real luxury in life. So I bought a bean to cup coffee machine.

I bought it from Wheesh.com. I sent it back and it was exchanged. It didn't want to make coffee and frequently just chucked the dry ground coffee into the tray and didn't make a coffee.

The replacement machine did the same thing! So I persevered with it and after making adjustments, it made coffee most of the time. However, it still made a lot of mess. Then the frequency with which it refused to make coffee increased. I phoned Gaggia as it was still under guarantee. They would repair it but I had to foot the bill for the courier service! I was not happy with that at all. I decided to persevere as I was not willing to pay this. I think it ought to be free since it wa shteir shoddy workmanship/design that was at fault.

The next thing that happened is that as soon as the machiens was switched on, it strarted to drip water from the frothing spout. The frothing spout, btw, never did froth!

Okay, so I made sure the spout was over the drip tray when making coffee.

Then the leak spread and was coming out all under the machine. I eventually stopped using it. John said it was not worth sending off as this was the second machine and was worse than the first.

It cost £450 and went to the tip.

Ouch!

I have had a number of emails from someone I thought was nice and with whom I had a fair bit in common. However, if I did not respond immediately I was sent another email full of passive aggressive reproach. I understood where they were coming from so tolerated them(the reproachful emails) as I felt I understood the need behind them and sent reassuring replies. However, this morning I sent this reply:
I am beginning to get annoyed by your emails. I don't like being pestered for a response, especially when you do not shown me the courtesy of replying to my emails. I sent you a long email answering your questions about about my health issues and have yet to hear back from you on that email.

I told you I would let you know, and I do keep my word. You need to relax, and give me time okay? I have told you before, you do not need to worry that I don't like you or that you have upset me other than with these emails suggesting I am ignoring you. If I don't want to hear from you I will let you know. I do understand where you are coming from but I cannot keep reassuring you. You are a good person.

You can email me about anything you like but do not keep up with the 'reminder' emails.

hugs
colin


I just got the following in response to it:

OMG!!! First of all, I was not trying to "PESTER" you as you called it. It seemed to me, that every time that I sent you a post with a question in the post, you would either just not respond, or you would say that you never received my post. Since I have read others complain about post ending up in their spam folders, I thought that maybe that was what was happening to my post to you, that just maybe, my post were going to your spam folder, and you were in fact not getting them. So, just to clear up your first accusation to me, (me pestering you) that was the only reason that I sent another post, it was never my intention to "Pester" you.

Second: As for your sending me a "long e-mail about all your health issues" I have never received such e-mail. I did however received 1 e-mail where you made a very short comment about having arthritis, and I did respond to that post, telling you that I had RA and Osteo Arthritis, as well as irritable bowel syndrome, and actuate MS, that I was given two years but that I had proven the head of Duke University Neuro Department, the same Dr. who had operated on Senator Kennedy just recently wrong. I went on to say that I had always joked about how this Dr. did not know what he was talking about, (in saying that I only had about two years to live) but that now I was eating my words, because it was very unlikely that Senator Kennedy or his family would have let anyone but the very best operate on his brain. Any of this ring any bells with you?

You know what, it does not matter if you remember this or not, because I am done. You have sat at your computer and typed a letter to me that I not only find offensive, but down right rude. I don't need your condescending attitude. And as to your claim that you have tried to reassure me that "I am a good person" and that I need to relax! my only concern was that I did not want you to think that I was just being nosy by asking you about your health problems. I was worried that you might take offense to my asking, but the only reason that I did ask such personal questions (and those being what were your health issues) were because of the statements that you made on your blog. Had you not go on so about your health problems, I would have not ask,and furthermore, I only ask because unlike you, I am a caring person, who is not so wrapped up in myself that I can not try to help anyone else.

I do not need, and have never needed you, to "reassure" me that I am a good person, but if this letter to me is any indication of how you "reassure people" maybe you might want to just stop "reassuring" as it's very unbecoming.

Please, do not ever concern yourself with my problems, or my wanting to buy any of your knitting needles ever again. And you might also like to know, that Addie is coming out with a set of circular knitting needles in a case sizes 4 to I think 15, I may be wrong about that size 15, but I do know that they will start at size 4, all in a case for around 150.00. I have already ask my LYS to hold a set of these aside for me when they come in. So my only reason for wanting to buy any of your needles would have been to supplement needles that I felt I wanted more than 1 set of.

Colin, you have hurt me deeply, I only wanted to offer a hand to someone who I felt needed a friend, I know all to well, how hard it is when you don't have blood pouring out your head or some other horrible sight that shows people how sick you really are, so because of this, people act like they don't really think that you are as sick as you really are, I thought that because I am in the same situation, that I could offer you my hand in friendship as one who could understand, and also someone who has also been through a horrible childhood myself. But you have acted like someone who is sitting on a throne in judgment of others and acting like it is your right to bestow your kindness to them at your discretion.

While it is true that according to the looks of your work, it looks as though you are a amazing knitter, and that your work is above reproach, but maybe all the praise that you have received has gone to your head, and has now made you think that you are above good manners and kindness. I feel as though you have treated me like I am some sort of crazed groupie, like I am someone who is stalking you because of your greatness, what a laugh, but I will tell you this, I had in fact bragged about you to all the ladies that hang out at my LYS. I had told them all about this nice young man who I had meet on line who lived in England who could knit better than anyone I had ever meet, and that his socks were just to die for. And their response? Their response was for me to just be very careful because all is not as it seems when talking to someone on line, and although I did know that what they were saying to be true, I just felt that you were someone who needed a friend, and I got all that feeling, from what you posted in your blog, but I am in no means some kind of a groupie, and I resent you acting as though I were.

You know, I felt like my luck had finally turned around this past week, while I have a wonderful family, my children are wonderful, my other half is truly my sole mate, and I have good friends who have always been there for me and always cared for me, my financial life has been some what of a hardship, and my other half and I have had to struggle for these past two and a half years due to a nasty insurance company trying to cheat me out of my disability claim. So when I opened my mail box last Monday, and discovered that they had in fact restored my payments and that I could now afford to buy not everything and anything that I wanted to, but that I could afford to buy a few things every now and then that were only for self gratification, that my luck had finally changed. That was my only reason for writing the first e-mail to you, the one with all the sizes that showed US sizes to mm sizes. You had made it sound like in your last reply to me as though it was such a burden on you to have to find the different sizes from US to mm, so I thought that I was helping you by sending you all the sizes, that was all that I was trying to do, to make it easier on you.

So as I said, I am done, you do not need to reply any more to me, and neither will I reply to you. I do wish you a good life, and as many days of good health as you can have, and I only hope that just maybe the next person that extends a hand in friendship to you that you are not so eager to bite that hand off, and because stress causing me undo extra pain, and this confrontation has now caused me a great deal of compounded stress, I am ending this and any future conversation with you.

Maybe I need to learn when to ignore an emailer but I try to be accommodating as far as I can. Perhaps I also need to keep what may or may not be accurate insight to myself!