Saturday, October 11, 2008

BRITISH GAS

I left this company 3 years ago. I have been plagued by phone calls from them. As many as 6 a day for 5 weeks running. Then it stopped and has started again. Over the last three years I have had hundreds of calls from them. I am not a customer, I do not want to be customer, I never will be a customer. I detest them. They are expensive. They are useless and they do not understand NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

I even had my phone number put on one of those lists that is supposed to stop these damn calls. All to no avail.

To top it all, British 'f*cking' Telecom have started doing the same thing and it was them I complained to about BG! Now they are trying to sell me their BT Vision tv service. As if I can't read!!! My Yahoo is full of bloody ads for it. I DON'T WANT THE F*CKING SERVICE. F*CK OFF AND STOP CALLING ME.

Now today I have had several calls from the Co Op renowned for being the UK's most ethical company! Since when is it ethical to pester people by phone? I got my car insurance renewal by post last week. It doesn't need to be renewed yet, not until the 1st of November. I DO NOT NEED UMPTEEN PHONE CALLS FROM SOME IDIOT REMINDING ME OR TELLING ME HOW SUPER THEY ARE! I now will search for a better deal elsewhere just because they have really pissed me off.

What gives these people the right to pester me, or you, with phone calls? Where have people's manners gone? Do they even know what manners are? It is bad enough that I fill a truck load of crap post every fortnight to go off for recycling. None of it read or even looked at. Str8 in the recycling bin. WE NEED THOSE TREES YOU F*CKING MORONS!!!! We need to BREATH!!!! The planet is in HUGE trouble. LEAVE THE DAMN TREES ALONE. I don't want to know how special your frigging service is, nor how eco friendly your tampons are. They are not eco friendly if you had to destroy a whole forest so you could tell me how wonderfully eco friendly your tampons are. I DO NOT USE tampons! Though if you come near me I am sure I could find a use for a box or two of them.

And while I am at it, I not yet over 50, I have not got a small dick, I do not want enormous breasts, I have no trouble getting it up though who has the time between answering the f*cking phone and filling the recycling bin and deleting spam! I do not wish to make some woman orgasm till she faints. Urgh! Your marketing leaves much to be desired. And I don't care one jot that some pill or potion will make me the best lover in the whole world. Or make my dick grow huge. What good would that do me? Where would I put it? I have trouble
enough pPacking away the one I have thank you very much. The damn thing is always getting in the way when I am driving, or sitting, or if I cross my legs carelessly. Any bigger and I wouldn't be able to move at all for fear of injuring myself. And trying to pee in the morning I would surely miss my house completely, let alone my loo.(Yes, you try aiming for a pee when it is sticking str8 up!).

The only thing I need saving from are those arrogant pratts who knock on my door. You know the ones. They are incredibly polite speaking(though it doesn't occur to them how rude it is to disturb you in the first place and then tell you how you will rot in hell. Now THAT IS RUDE to say the least). They wear little badges with their names on (in case they forget) and telling me they are from the Church of Latter Day Saints. MORONS in others words.

The there are the Jehovah's Witnesses who proudly proclaim they are God's chosen ones and everyone else is wicked and wrong but out of the goodness of their hearts they are disturbing my morning poo to offer me salvation!!! The last one had a child with her and made the child offer the stuff for the recycling bin! Had I not been desperate to finish what I had started in the loo, I'd have screamed something about child abuse at her. Another Moron!

Oh and does it end there? No. I have a sign on my front door. NO SALES PEOPLE, NO CHARITIES, NO RELIGIOUS WANKERS (Oh okay it says 'hawkers'.) Who knew there were so many JW's, Fundies, Mormons, and sales people, that are illiterate? Ah, it all makes sense now. At least as far as the religious hawkers are concerned. They can't read which goes some way to explaining their gullibility. Anyway, the quickest way to get rid of them is to invite the smart young men in to see if they can cure me of my homosexuality. It works. Every time. The Fundies and the JoHo's are gotten rid of quick smart by me explaining that I talk with the dead.

The last guy who tried to sell me gas and electricity, told me he wasn't selling. He was just concerned for my well being and wanted to make sure I was getting the best deal! Now, where did I put that box of tampons?

Then of course there are the charities. Wanting any old clothes or books or metal or cars or washing machines or.... the list is endless. And the printed matter from them says in very small print that they are not a charity despite the fact the big picture on the front shows a starving child.

I do hope you realise that normally I am a mild, not easy to rile, kind man who has just been driven to the point of wishing to nuke the bastards.

(If you are a Mormon, a JW or BA Fundie or a sales person or a telesales person, I can only hope I have offended you. If you are one of the first three, the religious lot, beware you are not de flocked just for reading me, assuming you could. Sorry for the lack of pictures.)

21 comments:

LizzieK8 said...

So, Colin...how do you really feel about these people?

I agree...what else can I say?

Anonymous said...

It is so thoughtful and kind of you to post your rant. It saves me the energy to do so today. As for everything you say: agree 10..................ruth in NJ

P. Harper said...

Colin, to keep Jehovah's Witnesses away, let them know you're a Catholic (even though you might not be). They don't like Catholics and will leave you alone from now on.

tinebeest said...

Colin for president! Of the Save the Tree society ;-)

Anonymous said...

I could not have said any of that better myself Colin.

Cathy

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for my morning laugh :-) I truly sympathize and have
felt EXACTLY those sentiments myself! I hate junk mail, junk email,
telemarketers, and door-to-door salesman (that includes religious
ones!).

Barbara

Anonymous said...

OK, I read the rant and agree. My daughter has an answering machine message which says"We screen all our calls in this house. Please leave your name and phone number and we will call you back if its something we are interested in." At first I thought that was rather rude. Then I realized that we get a lot of hang-ups and no solicitors. Yippee. So now I stand by the phone and listen to see if it's going to be a click or a friend who I will pick up for. We pay for the phone. We bought the answering machine. They are there for our benefit, not that of some obnoxious pest selling Lord only knows what. My sanity and peace of mind are a high priority.

Anonymous said...

When you rec. a call you do not want tell them to hang on, then lay the phone down and leave it, it will tie them up as they cannot break the connection, at least that is what I have been told, good luck, Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

Yea!!!!!!!!!Colin. My voice mail tells them I won't call back if they are selling something.

Keep up the good work!

Brenda in Winnipeg

Anonymous said...

Oh, that's magnificent! I'm sorry you were provoked to this extent but appreciate you sharing it in such a humorous way, reading this made my day.
hmm... possibly I could print it out, laminate it and stick it to the front door, perhaps OVER the !%^$# doorbell (and blocking the mail slot too), to cut down on interruptions from idiots?

Anonymous said...

Let me add the idiots who hang advertising on your door when you're away. We got back to our condo after a 12 week absence and found a pizza restaurant had hung their advertisement on the doorknob. It has stuck and, now, the color won't come off! I know how to get Pappa John's Pizza if I want it. Leave me alone!

Yarnhog said...

I think I got coffee in my keyboard laughing.

Anonymous said...

Since my husband and I bought our new home we don't get people trying to sell us anything in person. We bought an old church! Most people don't realize it's a private home. We still get all the junk mail, but no in person trying to convert us! If someone calls, I tell them to send me their information and I'll put it in my end of the year review. It's surprising that no one has ever sent me any information. Melinda

Anonymous said...

Originally, when I became really annoyed by these calls, I bought an
answering machine to avoid them. Most of those irritating callers do
not leave messages. Even if they did, they didn't get a return call.
The ex-secretary in me had a hard time at first ignoring the ringing
telephone. Now I have my number on the "Do not call" list here in
Australia.

However, in the last few months I have been receiving automated voice
calls telling me that I had won a holiday and to press a number to find

out the details. Finally, I did press the number and inform the person

on the other end that the call was illegal and the firm could be
prosecuted because my number was listed not to call. He was very
apologetic and said that the number would not be called again and it
hasn't.

As for religious door knockers. I just say that I am not interested as

I am shutting the door. The older I get, the less guilty I feel about
it:-)

Anonymous said...

Not worth the effort to get irritated by such things -- I have a mechanism on my phone that indicates the phone number of the caller. I just don't answer any of the 800+ numbers, or any whose name and number I don't recognize. Much easier that raising my blood pressure. Before I got this phone, I would just ask for their name and home phone number so that I could call them at a more convenient time...and, incidentally, please remove my name and number from this calling list. As for all the paper that comes...I hate that as there seems to be no way to stem the tide of it. Recycling bin!

Joan

Linda said...

Take a few deep breaths and check your blood pressure!!! Whew Although I am what you call a fundie, I am just a regular person warts and all.

Anonymous said...

Years ago, a religous solicitor of some denomination or other, I forget which, knocked on my door. Zeus, my rottweiler wandered up behind me when I answered, curious as to what was going on.

Shocked religious solicitor: "Jesus Christ!"

Me: "His name's Satan, actually..."

Anonymous said...

I love the part about the Mormons. My friend's son answered the door
one time, looked at the two young men, turned around and yelled to
his mother, "Mom! I think we have the virgins we need for the ceremony!"

Needless to say, they left in a hurry.

It's even funnier because my friend is a lapsed Mormon (granddaughter
of a polygamist) and is on the list of people to visit and bring back
to the fold.

We've haven't seen any Mormon missionaries since we told them we were
blacklisted over 30 years ago - my husband's friends, twin brothers,
wrote the church, told them they were full of bulls@*t and were
subsequently excommunicated. All their friends were blacklisted.

Anonymous said...

The last time that JW's called at my home I told them truthfully that I was,
A. Gay
B. A spiritual healer
C. Taking medication (well, hrt and lansoprazole, but I expect they thought the worst!)
They haven't called since.
Result!
Love your eloquent mega-rant, Colin. x

FuguesStateKnits said...

BRILLIANT!!!!!
:)
Sorry for all the one-word comments, but seriously, it's all been said. Like Yarnhog, I too almost lost the diet drink through the nose, LOL!

FuguesStateKnits said...

PS Colin, there's alwasys the "showing-up-at-the-front-door-totally-in-the-nude (preferably with an erection)tactic"
Gets 'em every time.
Unfortunately i don't need the erection - one look at me and they run screaming in the other direction, mumbling something about exorcisms, deliverance and psychiatric help.