Monday, October 06, 2008

Fear

SWIMMING

Went as usual this morning and I couldn't do it. I felt as my energy plug had been pulled. I swam 18 laps thinking I would perk up but it became harder and harder. Not pain, just weak.

SARAH PALIN

What a dreadful woman. I watched part of the 'debate' where she said nothing but buttered up the 'common folk'. The she shows us the meanness in her by accusing Obama of being friends with a terrorist. Does she really think Americans are that stupid? She clearly lacks respect for others and seems to lack intelligence judging from her so called religious beliefs. Yet another who 'talks the talk' but fails to 'walk the walk'.

DOG SHOW

Yesterdays show was hopeless. I have no idea what the judge thought he was doing. Micah was 3rd which on the surface seems good. Not if you had seen the whole judging. I'd rather not have been placed at all. In Whitney's class, he was placing the 5th and final b and he was down one end of the ring and pointed to a gentleman who looks nothing like me and whose bitch was a completely different colour to mined. The man went to move into 5th place when the judge suddenly said 'oh not you, I mean him' and came right over to my side of the ring, pointing to me. I was busy trying to get out of the ring but knew at that point I could not pretend to have not heard him.

FEAR

As I have written many times recently, my life is really going well. I am happy. John and I are happy as a couple. We are are financially stable. I am am doing what I want to do. I have friends.
Yet for reasons I can't fathom, I have plagued my fear. It comes on suddenly. Yesterday was one of those times. I had a good day at the show, saw friends I like and I was with my dogs. Just my cup of tea. Came home, had a nap and awoke feeling the fear and dread I used to feel all the time when I was a child. I'd wake every day, week in week out, month after month, year after year, feeling intense fear. I learned to ignore it. I had reason to feel afraid then. Something bad always happened. Today things are very different yet I still feel the same feeling though not on a daily basis. Now though I find it hard to ignore the fear. It is intense. I sometimes feel like I will collapse with it. Is this just habit? Is it that I was in fear for so long, I can't just le tit go? Or is it that now I am acutely aware that life is fragile? Not just my life but the lives of those I love. Is it that now I am enjoying life, as opposed the enduring it, I am aware of what I have? Is the certain knowledge, that despite my battle to survive thus far, I know that ultimately I will not survive? That like everyone else, my body will cease to work and I will die? Could that be it? Even though I know that your personality and mine will never cease to be? That what we call death is but an horizon we mostly can't see beyond but do exist beyond.

I don't know if this is the source of my fear or not. I know when I feel it, I feel no different to when I was a child except I am today far more aware. And my fear has a tendency to focus upon my health.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

My suggestion for Ms. Palin, who thinks Roe vs. Wade (legalizing abortion) should be overturned. Let's just violently "get her with child" with the ugliest, stupidest, meanest, smelliest jerk out there and see how she feels about carrying that baby to term. I think life is "sacred," too. I just feel that, were it me in that situation, I'd be inclined to be driven mad by the thought. I'd be inclined to end MY life, if I couldn't be rid of the "monster" inside. Is my life less important? And, I don't believe for a minute the poppycock that God won't give us more to handle than we can bear. Just take a look around.

Ah, well. This isn't my forum.

I'm sorry you're feeling weak and afraid. You and I are alike in that, too, I'm afraid. I wake almost every morning with unease.

I hope you feel better. I hope I feel better. I hope Obama gets elected.

Just Me said...

Fear is an insidious thing, isn't it? My own personal thoughts are that it's a long road to recovery from abuse and fear is often a travelling companion. Sadly, some never seem to be able to disentangle themselves from their fear whilst in recovery. You, at least, manage to recognise your fear and strive not to fall foul of it. That is to be commended.

Anonymous said...

Colin, dearie ..
I think the "fear" that ocasionally strikes you is a sort of backwash or reversed mirror image of the happiness you now have in your life. When we are content .. we far that being taken away from us, in whatever manner. "twould seem to me to be normal and rational to have those sorts of flashes of fear. The important part is that you SEE them and recognize them for what they are .. and that you do NOT allow them to take over your life.

And Mrs Palin .. {{shudder}} the thought of her being in line to be President .. now THAT strikes fear into my heart. Much as I would like to be able to cheer a woman being in this office, she scares the daylights out of me.

Warm hugs, Maggie

Anonymous said...

You poor guy. You sound like you have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Just like men & women who experience terrible trauma during wars, or Joe Citizen who is the victim of a near death criminal assault, they have this sort of fear - re-living the traumas they have suffered.

I might gently suggest talking to your physician for help.
Sometimes one does need a helping hand.

Best
junieann