Monday, October 06, 2008



Went as usual this morning and I couldn't do it. I felt as my energy plug had been pulled. I swam 18 laps thinking I would perk up but it became harder and harder. Not pain, just weak.


What a dreadful woman. I watched part of the 'debate' where she said nothing but buttered up the 'common folk'. The she shows us the meanness in her by accusing Obama of being friends with a terrorist. Does she really think Americans are that stupid? She clearly lacks respect for others and seems to lack intelligence judging from her so called religious beliefs. Yet another who 'talks the talk' but fails to 'walk the walk'.


Yesterdays show was hopeless. I have no idea what the judge thought he was doing. Micah was 3rd which on the surface seems good. Not if you had seen the whole judging. I'd rather not have been placed at all. In Whitney's class, he was placing the 5th and final b and he was down one end of the ring and pointed to a gentleman who looks nothing like me and whose bitch was a completely different colour to mined. The man went to move into 5th place when the judge suddenly said 'oh not you, I mean him' and came right over to my side of the ring, pointing to me. I was busy trying to get out of the ring but knew at that point I could not pretend to have not heard him.


As I have written many times recently, my life is really going well. I am happy. John and I are happy as a couple. We are are financially stable. I am am doing what I want to do. I have friends.
Yet for reasons I can't fathom, I have plagued my fear. It comes on suddenly. Yesterday was one of those times. I had a good day at the show, saw friends I like and I was with my dogs. Just my cup of tea. Came home, had a nap and awoke feeling the fear and dread I used to feel all the time when I was a child. I'd wake every day, week in week out, month after month, year after year, feeling intense fear. I learned to ignore it. I had reason to feel afraid then. Something bad always happened. Today things are very different yet I still feel the same feeling though not on a daily basis. Now though I find it hard to ignore the fear. It is intense. I sometimes feel like I will collapse with it. Is this just habit? Is it that I was in fear for so long, I can't just le tit go? Or is it that now I am acutely aware that life is fragile? Not just my life but the lives of those I love. Is it that now I am enjoying life, as opposed the enduring it, I am aware of what I have? Is the certain knowledge, that despite my battle to survive thus far, I know that ultimately I will not survive? That like everyone else, my body will cease to work and I will die? Could that be it? Even though I know that your personality and mine will never cease to be? That what we call death is but an horizon we mostly can't see beyond but do exist beyond.

I don't know if this is the source of my fear or not. I know when I feel it, I feel no different to when I was a child except I am today far more aware. And my fear has a tendency to focus upon my health.
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