Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I briefly spoke with a friend today and felt better for doing so but found myself unable to talk with any one else or go out.

It occurred to me that I could email John with all I wanted to say. I did. We spoke about an hour ago, even though I thought I wouldn't be able to speak to him again. He isn't making excuses and sounds wretched. You know, if this had been the first time, one could more easily understand it. Putting it to me like he had some sort of phobia re the govt and officialdom, made me able to understand it, because of my own past and problems. I really feel it was put that way on purpose, to manipulate my response. It worked too until I found out that once he got the first mess sorted he proceeded to make an even bigger one. All he ever had to do was sign a form and send it back. Once a year. End of story. He even stopped paying his first accountant who got him out of the first mess. I'll never understand this and I don't think there is an excuse for it.

The tax lawyer/accountant woman says he does not owe tax, only the penalties for not filing his returns, therefore the IR(S) cannot go ahead with the bankruptcy but she has to work quickly to get it stopped. Already the last 6yrs returns are in and receipt has been acknowledged. (by the way, we call it the Inland Revenue and I know the USA calls it the IRS hence my use of both.)

I have insisted that John shows me proof that I am his beneficiary if he snuffs it. He says he will get copies and show me. I will also insist that his tax lawyer/accountant knows that he is clean as can be before I agree to marry him. Also that my name goes on the deeds to his house if he doesn't lose it over this. There is no way I am marrying him unless I know he is clean financially. I am not going to risk being on the streets again. Okay, so now I am disabled that wouldn't' happen, they have to house me, but you know what I mean. That sort of existence is miserable. I know.

You would probably have a fit if you knew how much money he earns. And knew how little we have to show for it. Don't forget, I took over the finances a few years back when I realised the debt he was in. I insisted or I'd stay put. He capitulated and I nearly died when I discovered what his salary was. Where the f*ck did all that money go? On what? and HOW are you in so much debt? Half the debt is cleared and we have still had holidays. The other half would have been cleared last month but thankfully I found out about this tax thing so have kept that sum in a savings account he can't access even though it it's in his name. He wouldn't know how. Trouble is, I think holidays are out now and the stuff we were going to do with the house upon his pension maturing is also out the window. Assuming there is a house anyway.

One thing we do need is a new car, one with a flat rear space entrance so that the chair can be put in and out via a ramp instead of the current way-we lift it. We are not going to be capable of doing that indefinitely. Apart from that, a car is a necessity. I can't get around without one and he doesn't drive.

I want to thank you all for your kind support. I can only imagine where I'd be without this electronic global village to offer me wisdom and comfort in my times of need. Who ever would even have dreamt of such a thing? Okay I know someone dreamt it for the transfer of information but this is used for far more than that. Certainly now with my limited mobility, it is a life line and also a source of almost instant information. I certainly know that I would not be where I am with my art were it not for the 'net and I would have nowhere to turn in times of need. I have always wanted to keep a diary but never managed a pen and paper one. Now I have one. And I have witnesses. THAT is so important and in a way that I think only another who suffered in secret could appreciate.

So to all my witnesses, I truly thank you. You do more for me than you know.

(I just realised I have not disassociated this last few days!)
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