Monday, November 23, 2009

SHAME FACED

I went out yesterday during the day to the cinema. We saw 2012. We chose to see this at a cinema because it is a film the relies largely on special effects and they are always best seen on a large screen. I don't often go because I find it too physically uncomfortable. However, I armed myself for it. An hour before I went, I took 4 different pain killers, the maximum does of each. I considered taking a muscle relaxant as well but as I had to drive the 24 miles to and from, I thought better of it. Anyway, the drugs worked and I was able to sit out the two and a half hour film. It is always a surprise to me to discover that even when taking the full whack, I am not pain free! I still fidgeted due to discomfort in legs and hips and back and ribs. At the end I couldn't get up out of my seat without John hauling me up.

I awoke this morning full of fear and feeling tearful too. I had been fine over the weekend and was fine toward John too. I have to say I was worried about him being home but I need not have been. I did not feel anger as I feared I might. Anyway, I went for my swim and did double my normal amount of laps.

I couldn't wait to get home and inside again. I do not like being outside at all right now. The way I am feeling is similar to how I felt between 12 and 16yrs of age. I went around looking at the ground. I was lonely and afraid but nothing showed. Everyday school day I went through the same thing-being hit, spat on, tripped over, verbally humiliated, my nick name was 'shit'. Home and family was just more of the same, I found no solace there. I never lost that feeling for many years and even today, I find it very hard to go past a school and will avoid it if I can.

(It is also why I find dog shows such an effort to attend. I do it, and it is not as fearful as it was, but it isn't effortless on my part. I still have to steel myself for it. Groups of people terrify me. My PTSD really acts up too. If anyone comes up to me unexpectedly and touches me, I jump out of my skin. Thankfully I don't lash out. Oh, could you imagine that? I wouldn't last long hitting people would I? I know that for me to write about the fear I have to deal with for dog shows may seem odd when one considers the way I dress for them. I don't understand it either.)

I am not sure why, but all these feelings have come back to me. I have become afraid of being out, at least in daylight. Yes, I went swimming but I couldn't look at anyone. I feel relieved that the supermarket is 24 hour so I won't have to go until late when it is dark and empty.

I think it's stupid but I can't help the way I feel. I don't want to see anyone or talk with anyone. I don't want to put on my face. I am sure this will pass eventually and I shall return to being able to go out in the daylight and hold my head up.

Quite why I feel so ashamed when I have done nothing wrong is not clear at all to me, nor is it clear why those teenage years are back to haunt me.

I am knitting socks as usual. The merino/bamboo yarn I dyed using Kool Aid is really knitting up well, I am very pleased with the colouring. The second hand dye, in Trekking 75/25 is also coming along well. I have made up another no hole lace design and I will probably repeat this pattern for a plain coloured pair.
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