Wednesday, November 18, 2009

frozen

I was going to delete yesterday's post but don't think I can now with all those comments.


I went to sleep last night at about 8 and got up at 9.30am with a pounding headache from sleeping too long. I just wanted to sleep and stay asleep.


One feeling I experience which frightens me is anger. I felt enormously angry yesterday. I had to hold myself tight and ask for help to not act upon it. One reason it frightens me and makes me feel ashamed is that it is part of me that is like my dad and I don't ever want to be like him. Sometimes though the power of it really scares me.


The overriding feeling I have is humiliation. And it is why I wanted to delete the previous post. I have written a lot about my relationship and how important it has been to me and how lucky I am to have such a partner. Everyone who has ever met him have all side the same thing: what a gentle, kind, generous man, he clearly adores you. Now I feel it has all been a sham and I have been made a fool of. I haven't set foot out the door since I found out and I don't have to this week. I don't want to. I have not felt like this for many years. it used to be so strong, I never went out at all for months on end.


I have known something is wrong for a very long time. Every time I asked, I was told no. Yet I knew something was eating at him. To think he went to court and all that crap about 8 years ago and didn't tell me! There was something I found out when he bought the house and he explained it away. There was money being taken off his salary. I accepted his explanation of it being a work loan because we had lived beyond out means. I now realise it was the tax settlement. I took charge of all financial stuff from that. I have control of all the accounts. No tax stuff has ever come here. He didn't tell them he had moved.


In one of the comments, someone said he has just 'procrastinated himself into a corner'. That I can understand. Then I think about me and the consequences for me.


I am physically disabled. I have no assets. None. I have state disability pensions and that is. I am totally dependant on him for my present life. No matter what happens, he has a career and a very high salary. He can rent somewhere. I can't. Rented places don't take dogs. Without me, his life goes on. Without him, mine stops. Or at least becomes very very difficult.
I would have to wait to be rehoused in ground floor flat with easy access. I couldn't get my chair in and out of the car. I doubt I could even keep a car.


So this is what makes it very hard for me to understand how he could have done this. If he loves me, and is who everyone has always said, how could he risk my life like this?


When I first found out about the tax situation, and I did some breaking of things and then bared myself emotionally, something I have never ever done in front of him, made myself so vulnerable, he still LIED!!!!! That is what makes feel the way I do right now. That and the fear of what may happen. I also wonder if his telling me of his feelings for me was just because he rightly thought that would shut me up.


On the practical side, his lie is the equivalent of telling a lawyer he has no previous convictions and so our lawyer has been fighting from that angle and wondering why the tax people are being so determined and disbelieving. Because he does has done this before and she didn't know that and nor did I! He has professional embarrassed her. She told me she was angry with him because had she know she would have fought this from a different angle and it is also the reason the bankruptcy has gone ahead so quickly. To be honest, if she didn't know about me, I think she might well have told him she wouldn't work for him. It was me who found her and employed her. I think she understands, being a woman, my situation.


I always prefer to see the good in people and I approach others from that perspective and usually can see why someone is being obnoxious or whatever. There but for the grace of God go I is what is usually in my mind. However, at times, like now, I think this is wrong and it is why people think I am a push over and can do and say whatever they will because 'Colin won't mind or bite'. I might not bite but I mind. I mind very much. I often feel very wounded despite my smile. I just don't get why people think they can say and do whatever they like to me. I mist give off an air of wimpery or something.


Even on the email lists there are those who seem to make it their mission to be as bitchy and unpleasant as they can be toward me and jump on every word I write and certainly they poo poo anything knowledge I may have to share. you'd think after all these years ofr working with yarn and knitting, I'd know something. But now, they'd rather listen to someone else. A woman. Or at least someone published!


I am no angel and I know I have hurt others. I have never done so deliberately. I have deep regret about how I used to be.


The worst feeling is fear and I am very tired feeling it. It feels like it is eating me from the inside out. I feel is though I am on the precipice of losing it all and even if I don't, I certainly have lost the relationship I thought I had. I can't help but feel humiliated by that, by how stupid I have been. My mum constantly told me you can't trust anyone. I couldn't trust her that is for sure but it does seem she was right.


Oh and no I don't feel I deserved my childhood, despite what I wrote yesterday. I do think I have probably asked for the present situation by believing words and to my gut. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. Short of torture, hpw could I have gotten the truth? I would never have guessed the problem is what it is. I would never have believed anyone who told me that was what he was hiding. John? Never! What a fool I have been.


You know that feeling one has about how things are just too good to true? I have thought that for ages. The success with Whitney with no one being horrid to me, until recently. A good man. Financial security. a home. How lucky I was yet all the time this feeling that it wouldn't last. I never in a million years thought it would be John who pulled the rug from under my feet.


Of all my family, I really felt good about the fact I was the only one with a stable and good relationship. Neither of my brothers have and whilst my parents stayed married until my mum died, their relationship was hardly successful when you consider what they did to us. Now it seems none of us made it after all. I really thought I had won, despite them doing all they could to keep me down. I overcame them. I thought.(I mean it figuratively, not literally. i don't want to beat them or do them down.)
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