Wednesday, November 25, 2009


After yesterday's good news, you' think the rest of the day would have been good. I had the worst pain I have had for a while, even after topping up. I assumed this was due to relaxing after weeks of tension. I was looking forward to nice long ad deep sleep. Well, bugger me stupid if I didn't have have a really bad night of fitful dozing and weird dreams! It didn't help that the wind and rain kept me awake at first, it was really loud.

Still I when I finally quit trying to sleep and got up, I at least did so with much less trepidation. John sounds much better too which is a relief. I imagine things may be much better now between us as he is no longer carrying that dreadful burden of an awful secret. The suffering he put himself thru for years. Me too, indirectly, because I was living with a 'closed off' person and I knew something was wrong but didn't have a clue as to what. I used to dream often that he was not here, gone with another. In waking time I knew the never would but my gut knew something was wrong with him.

Forgiveness doesn't come into it. I don't think I understand the word really. Do I hate him for doing this? Of course not! Am I still angry? No. Do I still love him? Yes. Do I trust him? Not where money is concerned. Do I trust he loves me? Yes. I think he has suffered greatly thru this and whilst I know he caused it, I am glad it is over and am just sad he went thru this. I'll never understand how he could have let it happen. I am not one for burying my head in the sand and hoping things will go away. I am the opposite of that. The fear would prevent me ignoring it. How he lived with this fear for so long I don't know. I do know it robbed us of a peaceful relationship.

I have learned that someone who truly does love you can hurt you deeply. I have learned that yet again my gut feeling was right. I have learned I still have trouble with trust. I have learned that the supposed 'dead' are not and they can intervene when necessary and when they do, the person needs to be open to the hint and see it. I could have ignored the initial letter form a credit card company that hinted a problem. It didn't say there was, just hinted. I then called the exact right person to sort it out. Her name just jumped off the page of the directory and I called her. All of this just in the nick of time too. Had the first I knew about been when the bankruptcy papers had arrived, it would have been too late. Oh, and I have also learned that I ought to trust the images I get when meditating. Every time I have had a crisis, I get an image in meditation that shows the outcome. It has been correct each time. I still doubt!

John wasn't best pleased that on the Tube two young women, on separate trips, offered him their seat and on of the seats was earmarked for the elderly or infirm!

The second 50gram hank of yarn came out much more to my taste. Still not pooling but a classy spiral. I am now going to re-dye the other one. Just going to over dye some of the orange and green with the black so it is closer to the other hank in look. For some reason the black isn't in fact black, but very dark brown, like dark roast coffee beans. This is from the food colouring I have sued so far. I do have two lots of 'proper' wool dye but have yet to use it.
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