Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sorting It Out

It may seem it's taking a long time and it is. I am still trying to figure out the best way to deal with my health issues.

Last evening I went to a meeting. As I sat there, knitting, I came to realise how much pain I was in and just how exhausted I felt. I didn't do much knitting as my hands really hurt, as they do now, but not as much,

I think I became so aware of myself because I had stopped and relaxed.

Yesterday morning at the pool I had great difficulty doing my swim. It wasn't painful as it often is but I just was very weak. I stopped after 20 laps to rest at the side and then continued, sure that I couldn't, but yes, I did 50 laps eventually and then got out. I didn't mange my normal mile. John, the guard who helped me out, said he hadn't seen me having so much trouble before and asked if I was okay. yes, I replied I just feel weak.

Clearly I have trouble knowing when to rest and when to push myself to prevent myself being lazy. I have also come to understand a bit more about my drugs. The anti inflammatories are meant to be taken for a period of time, not just popping one here and there. If I take them at regular intervals over a period of days, it will help the inflammation. So I have been misusing them. Duh!

The thing that really worries me is the pain in my hands. I cannot even think I might not be able to knit. I am thinking that maybe I need to up the size of sock needles from 2mm back to 2.25 or even 2.5mm.

I think I must be having a flare. I hope that is all it is because I don't want this to be it forever. Meaning the tiredness. The pain I can deal with. The tiredness prevents me doing what I want. Okay so it's 5 days since Cruft's now. I rested all of Saturday and began swimming again Sunday. Only yesterday did I bath 2 dogs and swim and go to the meeting. Monday I did very little other than swim.

The reason I think I must be having a flare is this: I swam a mile a day for ages, even during my dark night of the soul period, and did not feel like this. I am 45lbs lighter now. I am eating more now. So I find it hard to believe that it is the swimming itself that is causing the exhaustion and pain. As my disease has bad periods and good periods, I just think this is a bad period and I need to deal with it.

I have a really hard time knowing when to take care of me and rest and when to push myself and not allow myself to idle. I argue with myself constantly. Like yesterday in the pool, I argued with myself the whole time until I eventually stopped at 50, already exhausted, but knowing I wouldn't feel guilty for stopping, at least not for long!

So you see, no matter how a far along the road one thinks one is, there are still issues to be understood and dealt with!

I know who that voice belongs to, the one that calls me a lazy good for nothing wimp. I do tell them to f***k off but.....well I am not always successful or even aware that it is that voice and not just me being weak and lazy.

Oh and yes, I am fully aware, now that I have written it down, that this weak and lazy business is an issue for me!
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