Friday, March 28, 2008

Slowing Down

The price of fuel has gone up very much now. I can't not drive so I have been driving more slowly. I drive at a steady 40 to the pool instead of 70. It adds only 4 mins to the trip but I get 64mph instead of 46! (my car tells me how much I use).

More importantly, this driving more slowly made me realise that I am always in a hurry and I have no need to be. I do everything as if I am late or have a deadline or if there is not going to a tomorrow. This helps to make me more tense than I would otherwise be. (the aching and pain make me tense).

I also realised that there is no hurry to knit up my sock yarn. I have been eyeing it, and I have enough to knit a pair every week for the next 3 years. So what? Why do I need to knit it up more quickly? What is the rush?

I think this ties in with the hypervigilance. Not only am I always on high alert, constantly monitoring myself and my world for hazard and danger but I am also always hurrying! I bath a dog and I bath it as quickly as I can. Why? I type on my blog and I do that as quickly as I can. Strangely, I do not knit as fast as I could. I am more steady with that probably because I am moire interested in doing a good job. However, my overall attitude is one of 'get it done'.

This of course just adds on pressure. I know where this need to hurry stems from but it isn't necessary now. I am a grown up and I have no one screaming at me to hurry.

This is a habit that will take a while to break I would think. I already feel the benefits of slowing down though in just the last couple of days. Strange how the need to conserve fuel has also brought my own need to slow down to my attention.

I may have mentioned before that one of manifestations of my OCD is to check things over and over. It used to be so bad I didn't go out cos it wasn't worth it. The major way I deal with it is to leave my home slowly. I check that the gas is off and I say so to myself, then the back door, the telly, whatever I have to do, I do it consciously and say so out loud to myself. I can then leave and get into my car. If I get that awful pull in my gut to go back and check, I can mostly just say-NO! Everything is fine you have checked. It's safe to leave. Not being perfect, drats, I do sometimes have to go back and check all over again but it is nothing like it used to be.

When I think about it, I have overcome rather a lot in my life. Anorexia, bulimia, agoraphobia, OCD, smoking, self harming, to name just a few.

I am beginning to allow myself to enjoy what I have - today. To believe I am allowed to experience pleasure and enjoy it. To laugh does not mean it will end in tears as I was taught. That pleasure does not equal sin as I was taught. That all I care for and love will not be snatched away from me as my growing up experience taught me.

I do know that all things, good and bad, come to pass, not to stay, That is why i really do live within the day. It is an ingrained habit now. I never even think about tomorrow -at least not consciously.

Now I just need to get this slowing down lark settled well in .......

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