The price of fuel has gone up very much now. I can't not drive so I have been driving more slowly. I drive at a steady 40 to the pool instead of 70. It adds only 4 mins to the trip but I get 64mph instead of 46! (my car tells me how much I use).
More importantly, this driving more slowly made me realise that I am always in a hurry and I have no need to be. I do everything as if I am late or have a deadline or if there is not going to a tomorrow. This helps to make me more tense than I would otherwise be. (the aching and pain make me tense).
I also realised that there is no hurry to knit up my sock yarn. I have been eyeing it, and I have enough to knit a pair every week for the next 3 years. So what? Why do I need to knit it up more quickly? What is the rush?
I think this ties in with the hypervigilance. Not only am I always on high alert, constantly monitoring myself and my world for hazard and danger but I am also always hurrying! I bath a dog and I bath it as quickly as I can. Why? I type on my blog and I do that as quickly as I can. Strangely, I do not knit as fast as I could. I am more steady with that probably because I am moire interested in doing a good job. However, my overall attitude is one of 'get it done'.
This of course just adds on pressure. I know where this need to hurry stems from but it isn't necessary now. I am a grown up and I have no one screaming at me to hurry.
This is a habit that will take a while to break I would think. I already feel the benefits of slowing down though in just the last couple of days. Strange how the need to conserve fuel has also brought my own need to slow down to my attention.
I may have mentioned before that one of manifestations of my OCD is to check things over and over. It used to be so bad I didn't go out cos it wasn't worth it. The major way I deal with it is to leave my home slowly. I check that the gas is off and I say so to myself, then the back door, the telly, whatever I have to do, I do it consciously and say so out loud to myself. I can then leave and get into my car. If I get that awful pull in my gut to go back and check, I can mostly just say-NO! Everything is fine you have checked. It's safe to leave. Not being perfect, drats, I do sometimes have to go back and check all over again but it is nothing like it used to be.
When I think about it, I have overcome rather a lot in my life. Anorexia, bulimia, agoraphobia, OCD, smoking, self harming, to name just a few.
I am beginning to allow myself to enjoy what I have - today. To believe I am allowed to experience pleasure and enjoy it. To laugh does not mean it will end in tears as I was taught. That pleasure does not equal sin as I was taught. That all I care for and love will not be snatched away from me as my growing up experience taught me.
I do know that all things, good and bad, come to pass, not to stay, That is why i really do live within the day. It is an ingrained habit now. I never even think about tomorrow -at least not consciously.
Now I just need to get this slowing down lark settled well in .......
Another long stretch, but hoping to be more regular
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7 comments:
I have not visited your blog for a while - I think what you have written here is so true, it certainly made me think about the speed I travel etc. I hope this way of living is good for you and helps to improve your quality of life. I hope I don;t sound patronising - I am full of admiration
You are smart. You have, again, given me a little tip I shall try in my own life. I'm going to say out loud to myself that things are done, when they are so. Maybe that will help me slow down, too.
You are a fountain on wisdom.
I think the hurry-hurry-hurry thing is partly societal. It's prevalent everywhere. Run-run-run like a greyhound after a mechanical rabbit, in pursuit of a failing dollar in an economy gone mad. It's all around, and it's hard not to get sucked into it, some folks more than others.
I have an overachieving former friend who bought her infant son a day planner before he was a year old. She had called one day to talk about all the activities she was enrolling him in, so she could start early, programming him to be as super-successful as herself. My response, dripping with sarcasm, was, "Gee, have you bought him a day planner yet?" Needless to say, she missed the sarcasm and bought the day planner, and applauded me for my "good idea." Five years later, when I spent an extended vacation with this woman and her family, the child was a complete monster. Torturing the barn cats and terrorizing my 5 year old daughter with his karate moves are merely the tip of the iceberg. His mother and I have not spoken since I left that summer day five years ago, and I know I have been written off, because money is not one of my gods, the way it is for her. "Oh, poor Paula, she just doesn't care about being filthy rich."
To me, she seems an extreme example of the hurry-hurry-hurry mentality, but I know darn well there are worse examples, and this makes my blood run cold.
So, I knit. I spin. Depending on how panicked I feel on a given day, the pace varies between calm, fast, and god-help-me.
I bring my knitting to work, and I must confess, rush through my meager lunch so I will have more knitting time before I have to go back to my bench. ;-)
But taking a deep breath and deciding to slow down, and allowing yourself to do it -- everyone could benefit from that. I wish more people would do it more often, myself included.
You have made an excellent choice.
I forgot who said it, but I've always liked this quote, and when I allow things to get too hectic and catch myself in the act, I remember it, and try to slow down accordingly.
"The rat race -- even if you win, you're still a rat."
Whatever awaits me at the end of this life, I hope it's better than a heap of cedar shavings to curl up in. :-)
Dear Colin,
You really have overcome so much. It's quite amazing. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and am working very hard to overcome it. It's inspiring when i realize that you've come so very far. If you can do it, maybe I can do it too. I'm using Cognitive Restructuring right now and trying to beat it without meds. Wish me luck, and I wish you all the best in your continued fight!
For the OCD, perhaps a list you can check off might help you. It helped with me... "Did I do this? Yes, I checked it on the list."
Your knitting is gorgeous, as are the dogs. Thank you for sharing your life.
I love your third from end paragraph. I think that probably sums everything up for a lot of survivors.
For me, that knowledge came after working with my therapist for about 18 months, and another year or so for it to really sink in. It's so neat to really enjoy life!
Colin, every time that I stop by here, I read something that makes me think about how mush alike we "silent lambs" are. I have built a home that I love, that is as safe as it can be in this troubled world, and surrounded myself with safe and loving people. I live my life so as to nurture those around me and to try to make life safer and more cozy for everybody.
But I am fearful when I try to leave my home for any length of time. I take pictures of this place and say goodbye to it, so that I won't be surprised if it burns to the ground or is taken from me in some way. Sad, eh?
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