Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Live And Let Die

I don't know why but yesterday I just got really fed up with hurting all the time. I went to the pool and I got in to find it very hard to move. Not thru pain but thru weakness. I thought it would pass off but I had to admit defeat after just 2o laps. I then could barely get out of the pool. That was the start of me feeling sorry for myself.

I do believe in all the time this condition has been with me, this is the first time I jumped into my pity pot about it. I also felt angry about it. Still do. Today is not much better.

It is getting worse in small increments. I knew it would and I know it will progress further as time moves on. It used to be that I felt much relief when I lay down. Now that isn't so. No matter what I do, I can't sleep more than 5 hours without pain waking me up. I then have to struggle to get out of the bed. By the time I have done that, and thought about more pills, it is a waste of time as I am fully awake so I don't bother.

There is not one part of me that does not hurt. Even as I type this my hips are singing their annoying little ditty despite the drugs I took two hours ago. My hands too are singing harmony with my hips. There is an area, right between my shoulders, where the vertebrae are tender. I can't move my neck side to side. My feet crunch when I walk. If I keep still too long, I hurt like heel and then find it very hard to get up. If I stand too long, I hurt, if I lay too long, I hurt. No matter which way I do things, it bloody hurts.

Worse is the weakness or fatigue. Recently it has been more weakness than fatigue. There is a difference. With fatigue I feel achingly tired, a tiredness that sleep does not remove. With weakness I feel okay, not tired, though my body will just not do what I want it to do. I can't open jars, or even a bottle of Pepsi Max. Oh I can do it it just takes much effort. Moving is difficult. Like when I tried to swim yesterday.

Today, I have not gone to the pool. I have two dogs to bath today. That will be enough. I bath Micah last evening. I need to think about giving the pups their first bath. I do enjoy this. Bathing the dogs is relaxing and is worth the effort and whilst I am doing it I forget myself.

Normally, I am able to push my body's blasted song out of my consciousness. Quite why I couldn't yesterday and am having no success today I don't know. I understand it it pointless to moan about it, it won't go away.

It makes me angry to hear doctors who are anti euthanasia say that no one need die in pain, that modern care and drugs stop it. BOLLOCKS!!! It is a lie. People do die in pain because drugs do not work in many cases. I know this is true because I know several people who all died painfully despite good care and drugs. I also know that my own heavy duty drugs do not stop me feeling pain. They do make it less but then my pain is not as severe as cancer for example. It really pisses me off that people think they have the right to stop others doing what they want for themselves just because it goes against an idea they have. How dare they? What right have they got to insist that a person die in pain or suffer complete loss of dignity just because they cannot handle death? Or because they think their God wants someone to suffer a horrible death. As for playing God, what do they think they are doing? What is life support? What are antibiotics? What are all drugs and medical treatment? Is it not all interfering with the natural way? Of course it bloody is! And if the Drs stopped doing all they could to deny the inevitable, their powerlessness over death, perhaps so many people would not suffer at their hands.

The thing that frightens me the most about getting sick and dying is the falling into the hands of the doctors. Losing control. Because of the current law and the attitude of these people, anyone facing a horrible death has to commit suicide long before they are ready to because they cannot take the risk that they will not be able to and then be reliant on a loving person risking imprisonment or be under the control of doctors who will allow the disease to play on till it's last agonizing note.

If one allowed a dog to die in this way, you would face prosecution. Yet we insist that people die this way.

How simply wicked.

( I didn't know this is where my post today would go. Please do NOT read anything into it. I am no where near ready to pop my clogs thank you very much. My thoughts on euthanasia have been with me a long time and recently have been on my mind a lot. This post is not a cryptic way of saying I am thinking of ending my life. Far from it! I want as much time as possible. My condition is liveable with, very well, and is no reason to end it all. I just have the hump with it today. And as I am apt to do, my writing just goes off on a tangent.)
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