Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Power

I received an email this morning from my father.

My brother has proved yet again that he has no respect for me at all for it was he who told me father how to contact me.

My father's email showed that he is the same man he always was. Not by what he said but what he didn't say. One couldn't say it was nasty email, it wasn't. However, it was one written by someone who feels no remorse or culpability at all and that speaks of my mother's death as if it would have no effect on me. He could have let me know at the time of her death 4 years ago and chose not to.

At first I was shocked and afraid when I saw the email. I read it. I went to make myself a coffee and forgot how to. I was shaking. I was no longer a man in his 50th year but a boy.

Not for long.

I talked it out with someone and thru some well thought out questions, I realised I had power here. Over myself. I need not give that power away. I have no intention of doing so.

It is the task of the adult me to take care of and protect that vulnerable part of me. When asked directly what the adult me would so, I knew instantly that I would protect me and keep well away.

Fortunately for me in this instance, the last few months of letting go last year, the feeling of all that I felt, is still very fresh and so I cannot pretend to myself it would be wise for me to back into the lion's den. It aint going to purr!

I have fought a long and excruciatingly hard battle, one I came very close to losing, to gain a life and sanity. I am not about to risk it for more of the same.

Those people have never treated me with respect, let alone love. If they were not related to me, no one would expect me to have anything to do with them. I have been nothing but a source of great shame and embarrassment to him and the pain he caused me almost destroyed me.

Let him and the rest of them carry on thinking that I am mad and bad.

Denial is a very powerful force, but not insurmountable. Either the man has forgotten how cruel and vicious he was, how I never got anything but his fists from him (and money - for appearances sake), or he still doesn't think he was wrong. He could be completely unaware of the terror he caused me. He maybe doesn't care. I only know that he doesn't acknowledge it.

Many years ago I did confront them about it. The result was total rejection by all of them. Today it has been engineered, deliberately I think by my brother, so that it is me who does the rejecting. Why? So they can say in truth, sort of, that I won't have them in my life.

So be it.

I value myself far too highly to allow my life to be put at risk now. There is nothing to be gained for me now. Nothing at all. It doesn't matter.

I won my battle. I survived.

You will be aware how I wrote last year, December I think, how I had a sudden tearful realisation of forgiveness as far as my father was concerned. I still feel the same way. I want nothing but the best for him and if he were a different, remorseful, man that might include having me in his life. .

My first duty is to myself. I spent years neglecting me, bending over backwards for acceptance and love. It nearly killed me or had me locked up for good. I give give acceptance and love to myself now.

I have good friends who love me and a man who, despite all odds, has loved me and stuck by me through what has been a very difficult ride, for almost 27 years now. His name is John. You have 'met' him here and some of you in the flesh. John showed me what it was to love, to respect, to be loyal, to care, to have compassion. In short to be a decent human being. I am profoundly grateful for him.

I would not have survived without him. I could not have healed without him. I could not be where I am today without the support he has given me and the space he gave me to be me. Indeed, the encouragement he gave me to be me. He has never, not once, told me or made me feel I was not good enough, that I was lacking. He saw me at my most vulnerable, my most dark moments and he was there accepting me and holding me. He never tried to fix me. He never told me what to do. Never called me stupid, useless, pathetic, embarrassing. He saw the man I was and loved me for me. He didn't want me any different. He just wanted for me to be happy. He got his wish.

I am happy.
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