Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Stop That Shrink!

I awoke, as I am wont to do, at 5.30am, half an hour before the alarm is set to go off. So I got up. Let the dogs out, fed them, than sat with my sock knitting, took my drugs and coffee. Then it was off to do another 80laps of the pool. Home again. Bathed Nechung. More knitting. Watched the last ever episode of DEAD LIKE ME.

It has not been a bad at all pain wise. I do find it very irritating that I suffer so much with the dropsy. I bought a plastic stone effect bowl the other day and I now use that for salads and stir-fries. At least when I drop that it won't smash. I am pleased to say that so far my coffee glasses are still intact. Funny, how the cheaper ones have survived this long whilst my two expensive ones lasted about 10 days before an attack of the dropsy smashed them to smithereens on my kitchen floor. There are times I cannot open a bottle of diet cola. At the SKC show I had to ask the woman sitting next to me to do it for me!

I knew at least one person would have objections to Dr Dorothy Rowe. Of course many do. She doesn't agree that depression or manic depression (and other 'illnesses' ) are biological which can be treated with drugs. No she believes it is our experiences and how we interpret them, in other words, how we think and have been taught to think, which causes these. Undoing all that is very hard, very painful, and very hard work. It is not surprising to me that anyone who dares suggest this route rather than the 'magic pill I have a biological problem' route, is going to be lambasted. I used to be one of those people who believed what the Dr's said. I had a brain problem and would be ill the rest of my life and have to take psych drugs forever, which may well shorten my miserable life anyway. There was this tiny little, teeny weeny really, voice in me though that baulked at such a diagnosis and eventually that voice got louder and louder and was took over once I knew I had good reason to think I could be cured.

Oh if the pills and potions had worked, I would not be here now as I am. I would be living in fantasy land, still believing my childhood was healthy and normal, that it was my fault, that I was a bad person and had a brain malfunction to boot! Now that was an easier thing to think when I had no support.

The pain and effort of doing the work are enormous but worth it.

I used to get so manic that 30mg of valium, 400 mg of chlorpromazine (Largactil) and whatever else would not stop it. Haloperidol (Haldol?) was another which failed but made me hallucinate and have crawling skin, streaming eyes, drooling mouth and vertigo. I used to get so suicidally down that nothing penetrated. I have known so many depressed people on anti-depressants and all of them were depressed despite being on the pills for years! No matter which one was tried, none of them ever made a jot of difference to me. Lithium didn't work. It is a foul and dangerous drug but I needed it, I was told. It did nothing for my moods. It didn't make me feel batter about me. It didn't wipe out my past. It didn't show me how being abused was not my fault. It didn't show me how I was not at fault at all, that there was nothing wrong with me but with those who treated me so badly. No pill ever did that for me. If only it had, I would have been saved a lot of grief.

I think there is an awful lot invested in keeping people believing they have a biological reason for feeling so bad. It suits the power hungry and the abusers to keep the abusees in their place.

I have met many many Psychiatrists in my life and without a doubt none of them had a clue. They shared a few traits in common one of which was arrogance and the other was ignorance. None of them ever showed the slightest interest in me, how I felt, or thought or how I had grown up. They were not at all interested in my suffering. They were merely interested in how to get the mix of drugs right so I would shut up and fit their theories and behave and they could then point at me and show the world how clever they were. Oh and i had the best. I was under two of the world's renowned experts in eating disorders. To me they were renowned prats (idiots) who knew f*ck all about it and whose methods were abusive. Needless to say, I left their 'care' with more problems and pain than I entered with.

Caveat: there is a biologically sound reason for what is commonly called Winter Blues. Lack of light affects hormones-those which send us to sleep and wake us up and effect mood. many people are affected negatively by lack of light. There is a cure: Move to a country near the equator. Failing that, buy yourself a light box and use it for 20 mins a day during the no light days and months. However, even this will take any issues you may have away!

Tomorrow I shall go for my swim and then bath Micah and Whitney ready for Southern Counties. I shall be in bed by 7pm and up at 2AM to leave by 4AM.

I am halfway through another pair of socks, both at once. I am again using Lorna's Lace Shepherd Sock yarn. I really like this yarn for handle and colour but I am rather tired of its' boring striping effect. I wish it would pool or something. I have enough for 2 or 3 more pairs in 2 or 3 different colourways but I think that will be with this yarn, as nice as the handle and wear is. I just find the striping too dull.


HunterXan said...

I tend to think you and Dr. Rowe are correct about the mental illnesses. Rather, I sincerely hope so. I had been thinking along the lines of perhaps the enormous increase in diagnoses of bipolar (and previously of ADD and ADHD) were somehow related to environmental ills and pollution. It does make perfect sense, however, that some of the garbage we have been fed and have in turn fed our children over the years would cause many of these disruptions of the thought processes.

And---as to the yarn stripes--have you considered trying an entrelac pattern? I've also gotten terribly bored with stripes, and have been thinking that may be a very good option.

Mokihana said...

Excellent post, Colin. I completely agree with you. The work is difficult and painful, but worth it.

GailR said...

While you and Dr. Rowe have a valid point, some people do have biological imbalances that are helped with medications.
Each person needs to work with their medical/psychological people and determine the best treatment for their situation.
I am one of those who require the medication due to chemical imbalances. The times I've tried to wean off the medication caused a return of the problems I had prior to starting the medication.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the disthymic disorders are caused by a variety of things. If you are subjected to relentless fear, terror, physical pain and abuse, it must take a toll on one's brain chemicals. Similarly, there are people who have had relatively little happening of that nature and who have chemical imbalances nonetheless.
I for one will be eternally grateful to the inventor of prozac. My precious daughter is not only alive today, but doing tremendously well! She is now on the path to helping others who need therapy.
It seems to me the best thing is a sympathetic therapist and meds when necessary.
Just speaking as a non-pro of course:)
Take care,

Anonymous said...

My aunt just sent me the link to your blog. She left a little comment after it saying "I agree with him! AND he makes GORGEOUS socks!!!" I know you had said the main reason of your blog is self-help, but maybe you could give me some direction? If not, I'll understand by not hearing back from you. My name is Erin, I'm 21 years old, I live on my own. I have HORRIBLE relations with my parents and moved out over a year ago. I now live at my brother's house (less yelling, less fighting, less people rubbing in my face that I am not and never will be good enough at anything i do, etc.) and still attend college. Life is hard on my own, and I often get down. A few different doctors have labeled me as having "Manic Bipolar Depression" along with my ADHD. I have no problems with the Adderall for my ADHD, but anything and everything any doctor has put me on for Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar etc. hasn't worked. I am a lab-rat for psychiatrists. They enjoy feeding me New drugs that are on the market. Despite not working, I still take them.. despite not working, when I take them I am better than when I don't. For the first time in my life, I am just sick and tired of all of this. I am sick of my mood changing on a dime, and being away at college on my own and feeling this overwhelming feeling of lonliness. I could be in a crowded room and feel so ALONE it sends me into such a deep hole of depression- that I stop talking to my friends/family for weeks at a time & just sleep a lot. I feel homesick for a place that doesn't exist. My parents house just gives me anxiety and I never want to be there, my brother's house is my brother's house.. just a place where I put some of my stuff until I graduate college, I hangout at my Aunt & Uncle's house a lot around the corner.. but it doens't give me that comfort. I feel like a big part of me is missing and I need to find it and have NO idea where to go in search?! The only first step at helping myself at this point- I think?- would be to see a psychiatrist or psychologist to get me on a specific track again?? .. I just want a psychologist/psychiatrist (I'll call them doctors) I just want a doctor to sit down with me.. after I unravel the layers of childhood, adolescence, all my testing and test scores, and my current situation.. and be able to give me some type of advice that is going to help me get through each day. I want to change the way I think. The doctors always want to bring up my parents and how they need to change- well NEWSFLASH my parents are in their late 50's and have ZERO interest in changing the way they live their miserable lives. Especially for the youngest of their 4 messed up children. I want a Dr. to help me come up with a way to deal with my parents the way they ARE and ALWAYS will be. I want to sit down and make goals for myself that I can achieve for once. The Dr.'s never seem to help me. I always pour my heart out on the table to them, then before I know it.. the $300 session is up and I leave feeling worse than when I walked in because now I have all these thoughts out in the open and on my shoulders again. I don't know why I am telling you this, maybe just because by some chance you can relate to me or my situation and have any type of suggestion for me. Even just an author to read, would probably help me at this point. Thanks for listening.

Beverley said...

This comment Colin will seem really irrelevant given the previous comments, but a suggestion. When you are struggling to open bottles, jars etc, it might help to put on a pair of rubber gloves first. I know you can buy things to help open jars and bottles, but thats a lot of things to hold in your hands. The rubber gloves give you the extra grip you need. My daughter who is waiting for her surgery on her wrists uses rubber gloves, otherwise she would never be able to open anything. I always joke and say, "wearing rubber gloves gives you super human strength!" Beverley