Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Stop That Shrink!

I awoke, as I am wont to do, at 5.30am, half an hour before the alarm is set to go off. So I got up. Let the dogs out, fed them, than sat with my sock knitting, took my drugs and coffee. Then it was off to do another 80laps of the pool. Home again. Bathed Nechung. More knitting. Watched the last ever episode of DEAD LIKE ME.

It has not been a bad at all pain wise. I do find it very irritating that I suffer so much with the dropsy. I bought a plastic stone effect bowl the other day and I now use that for salads and stir-fries. At least when I drop that it won't smash. I am pleased to say that so far my coffee glasses are still intact. Funny, how the cheaper ones have survived this long whilst my two expensive ones lasted about 10 days before an attack of the dropsy smashed them to smithereens on my kitchen floor. There are times I cannot open a bottle of diet cola. At the SKC show I had to ask the woman sitting next to me to do it for me!

I knew at least one person would have objections to Dr Dorothy Rowe. Of course many do. She doesn't agree that depression or manic depression (and other 'illnesses' ) are biological which can be treated with drugs. No she believes it is our experiences and how we interpret them, in other words, how we think and have been taught to think, which causes these. Undoing all that is very hard, very painful, and very hard work. It is not surprising to me that anyone who dares suggest this route rather than the 'magic pill I have a biological problem' route, is going to be lambasted. I used to be one of those people who believed what the Dr's said. I had a brain problem and would be ill the rest of my life and have to take psych drugs forever, which may well shorten my miserable life anyway. There was this tiny little, teeny weeny really, voice in me though that baulked at such a diagnosis and eventually that voice got louder and louder and was took over once I knew I had good reason to think I could be cured.

Oh if the pills and potions had worked, I would not be here now as I am. I would be living in fantasy land, still believing my childhood was healthy and normal, that it was my fault, that I was a bad person and had a brain malfunction to boot! Now that was an easier thing to think when I had no support.

The pain and effort of doing the work are enormous but worth it.

I used to get so manic that 30mg of valium, 400 mg of chlorpromazine (Largactil) and whatever else would not stop it. Haloperidol (Haldol?) was another which failed but made me hallucinate and have crawling skin, streaming eyes, drooling mouth and vertigo. I used to get so suicidally down that nothing penetrated. I have known so many depressed people on anti-depressants and all of them were depressed despite being on the pills for years! No matter which one was tried, none of them ever made a jot of difference to me. Lithium didn't work. It is a foul and dangerous drug but I needed it, I was told. It did nothing for my moods. It didn't make me feel batter about me. It didn't wipe out my past. It didn't show me how being abused was not my fault. It didn't show me how I was not at fault at all, that there was nothing wrong with me but with those who treated me so badly. No pill ever did that for me. If only it had, I would have been saved a lot of grief.

I think there is an awful lot invested in keeping people believing they have a biological reason for feeling so bad. It suits the power hungry and the abusers to keep the abusees in their place.

I have met many many Psychiatrists in my life and without a doubt none of them had a clue. They shared a few traits in common one of which was arrogance and the other was ignorance. None of them ever showed the slightest interest in me, how I felt, or thought or how I had grown up. They were not at all interested in my suffering. They were merely interested in how to get the mix of drugs right so I would shut up and fit their theories and behave and they could then point at me and show the world how clever they were. Oh and i had the best. I was under two of the world's renowned experts in eating disorders. To me they were renowned prats (idiots) who knew f*ck all about it and whose methods were abusive. Needless to say, I left their 'care' with more problems and pain than I entered with.

Caveat: there is a biologically sound reason for what is commonly called Winter Blues. Lack of light affects hormones-those which send us to sleep and wake us up and effect mood. many people are affected negatively by lack of light. There is a cure: Move to a country near the equator. Failing that, buy yourself a light box and use it for 20 mins a day during the no light days and months. However, even this will take any issues you may have away!

Tomorrow I shall go for my swim and then bath Micah and Whitney ready for Southern Counties. I shall be in bed by 7pm and up at 2AM to leave by 4AM.

I am halfway through another pair of socks, both at once. I am again using Lorna's Lace Shepherd Sock yarn. I really like this yarn for handle and colour but I am rather tired of its' boring striping effect. I wish it would pool or something. I have enough for 2 or 3 more pairs in 2 or 3 different colourways but I think that will be with this yarn, as nice as the handle and wear is. I just find the striping too dull.
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