Wednesday, May 21, 2008

A Just World?

I have given much thought to the subject of justice. It is apparent to me that we do not live in a just world. 'The wicked prosper and their young frolic like dear', to quote Joni Mitchell in her 'Job's Sad Song'.

There was a time I thought my brothers and father (my mother is dead) did not mean the harm they caused me and would be horrified to know they had caused me so much pain. I know now that it is not true. They have made a conscious choice to do as they have done and are doing. How people can live with such wickedness I have no idea.

If we have free will and there is justice, the only way i can see that being so is if we chose to come into this physical world. In other words we exist before we are born and decide to be born and decide the circumstances we are born into. I do not believe we decide the events of our lives before hand. This is of course a pretty big IF.

There are those that say life is a gift. I don't see that. If it was a gift, it is a gift I'd rather have done without. No, I do not have a death wish, far from it. I enjoy what I have now but that is because i have done the best I can with what I had. I am just still of the opinion that I would rather not have had my life at all.

I fail to see life as a gift when babies are born into war and famines and pain and disease.

We are so obsessed with this idea of life being a gift that we allow people, human beings, to die in agony rather than show them compassion as we do animals. In this country at least if we allowed an animal to die the way some people do, we would be prosecuted and rightly so.

There is nothing that can be done to give me back my youth, my childhood, my mental capacity, the use of my intelligence, the freedom that was taken from me. The years of which I had to spend surviving instead of making a career for myself, perhaps as a vet. Yes I was lucky, I met John and he kept me out of the gutter. I am profoundly grateful for that. I am profoundly grateful I was not born in a prison camp, an aids baby or any number of worse situations. However, none of those considerations alters the fact I had what I had and will leave this life having taken much from those who helped me survive and given very little. I won't be remembered and rightly so. I have contributed very little. I am somewhat surprised this means so much to me but it does. I please myself, I have the freedom to do as I wish (within financial constraints) and that is an enviable position, I know. yet I have gone from being so f'd up that I couldn't function and therefore needed help to now being not so f'd up but now physically f'd up so that I continue to be in the debt of others.

Whatever it is, it isn't just. I don't know what is. I am not of the opinion that vengeance and punishment serve any purpose. None at all. There is nothing I can do to anyone that will make it okay, that will recompense me, that will wipe it clean. Nothing.

The only defence one has left is to not drink of the poison of hatred. Instead let go and live. Justice will perhaps come after death or if death is it, then it will not matter a jot anyway. It will all have been for naught.

There is so much more to life than we understand. Life is short and painful and certainly far too short to grow enough in one life time. God forbid there be more than one life time though :-0

Or maybe it is just as we see it-it ends and that is it.
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