Thursday, May 08, 2008


John is away in Washington DC. He will return on Sunday.

Yesterday was another beautiful day weather wise. I did my swim of 70 lengths instead of 64 as I just felt like it. Recently, without trying, I have shave 8minutes off the time it takes me to swim a mile, 64 lengths.

I spent the rest of the day on the new PC. It does so much more than I realised. I love the widescreen HD screen, now that I have got the pixels right.

The search facility is good too. I am going through and deleting many files I don't need or have multiple copies of, stuff I saved 'in case'.

I am doing the same in the house. With John, I sorted through a whole load of jackets and shirts that are too big for me now. Also shoes, some 20 years old, hardly worn, but no longer my size. All kept 'in case'. They have gone.

We are going to do the same with my yarn and machines.

The room I am in now, my PC and knitting machine room, is just a tip, so full of stuff. I have started to clear it up. Just a little corner at a time otherwise it just appears overwhelming.

I was sorting through dvd's last night too, to see what was recorded on them. It is time consuming and not always easy to keep track of which ones have been checked. I then realised that as they have sat in a pile for years, they don't contain anything important. So they went in the bin. A bit more junk in my life gone.

Whilst swimming yesterday, I was thinking about how so many don't realise that love is a verb.

Love is not a just feeling but action.

Many people wonder if they are loved by whoever. If we just looked at how we are treated by a person, we know if they love us or not by how they treat us.

The trouble is some of us are treated very badly by people who say they love us or it is assumed they do(parents). Therefore we can take a long time to realise that love is not being treated badly.

I have been with my John for almost 27 years and I know he loves me because of the way he treats me. I didn't used to know this. In fact I found him very confusing for a long time. He never shouted at me, he never hit me, he did things for me I didn't even know needed doing. He was kind and gentle with me and still is. I thought he didn't care about me! Then when I began to see he was treating me well and that maybe he loved me, I thought he was deranged because I already knew I was not worth loving. If he knew what I was really like, he wouldn't. After a while, and I knew he did know me, I then thought he must be a man with a secret - like he was serial killer or something. Seriously. I just couldn't get my head around the concept that he was a good a a sane who person who saw ME and loved me.

I don't have people in my life who don't love me. Oh, there are people I speak with, say hello too, and spend a little time with but those I am close with treat me with respect. They show show how they feel about me by their actions. They don't say and don't act it. They know, like I do, that love is a verb. It is expressed in our actions.

Today I have a dental appointment. I am so excited about that. I have dogs to groom and bath and plenty more clearing out of dross to do. I did not go swimming today.

On Saturday, I am speaking at an eating disorder convention. My first time. I have spoken at smaller meetings before but not at a big do.


Iris said...

You're amazing and I love you, from a distance. And that reminds me of the song:

"From a Distance," Bette Midler.

It's easy to "love" from a distance and easier, yet, up close.

LizzieK8 said...

You sound so much happier!

Isn't it funny how once we start getting rid of emotional "stuff" we can easily get rid of material "stuff"? I'm finding that things I insist on holding on to, are things that have some positive emotional memory attached.

Congrats on all your forward moves!

Anonymous said...

Colin - I have to agree with Iris - you are amazing and I can say that having never met you. You have overcome a lot in your life and that takes a lot of inner strength and you have a wonderful man that loves you for you. Relish in his love and all of the love that you receive here in blogland as it's yours for the taking. :-)