Thursday, September 20, 2007

FEAR

I had a bad night last night with pain. I awoke at 2am first of all , had a pee, a little water and went back to bed only to be awoken at 4am with pain again. This time I got into quite a tiz and fear almost overwhelmed me. I cried a little and eventually went back to bed at about 4.30am. No pain but slept fitfully till I got up again and 7. No swimming today.

I know what is going on with me.

I spent my childhood in fear and most of my adulthood. The fear as a child was overwhelming, paralysing. Literally. It is why I just let the abuse happen. I couldn't react. I like to say it was my only revenge - showing no emotion. No doubt it did infuriate the perpetrators of this abuse but revenge wasn't in my mind. I made that up later to explain why I just stood there. The fear was so intense I believed it would kill me if I let it out so I disassociated from it.

This fear has stayed with me all of life. I feel it now because my life is good. I am afraid it will be taken from me. What really pisses me off is that part of me is still afraid that I deserved all I got and do not deserve love or happiness now. As for the love part, I am never sure about it anyway. I don't really know what it means or what it feels like to be loved. I know that I am loved by John, that is obvious by all he does for me and how he thinks of things for me that I wouldn't have thought of. I don't feel it though. I was constantly told god didn't love me and I certainly was told I wasn't worthy all the time and was shown this by the treatment I received.

I go though periods, further apart and less intense, where I feel like this and something always triggers it. I think this time it is because I spent some time in the company of a person who I felt found me wanting.

I am well aware that this may not have been so.

I found myself feeling ashamed and found it very hard to look them in the eye. I also wanted their approval. In short, I felt like an unworthy child wanting love and acceptance. I have been feeling this shame since. I also feel quite ridiculous that at 48 I can still feel this. I felt I needed to explain my life. I didn't but did say things I wish I hadn't. I was so nervous.


So anyway, this whole fear and shame business has been doing it's bit on my life at present. I feel grief again for what for what I didn't have. Anger that I am not as grown up as I would want to be.

Yet when I can look at my life objectively, I know that I have done well. I have survived. I have experienced the deepest, darkest sorrows. I have almost lost my mind. I have almost given up. I have experienced fear so intense that death seemed preferable. I have felt grief so intensely that it caused tremendous physical pain which on it's own felt like it would kill. I have experienced such intense loneliness.

I survived it all. I may not be whole but I am not a vengeful person nor a selfish one. I feel empathy and compassion. I have love for others. I have talent. I have fortitude and strength. I can and do give of myself.

The god I was taught of that hated me doesn't exist. Those that believe he does have a real problem. Those that could have loved me growing up missed out.

And those that find me wanting should look to themselves as to why they they feel that.

PS: One thing that has never changed is my attitude to sex. I have never felt comfortable with it. Have always felt guilty and ashamed for having sexual feelings. Even now. One thing I feel glad about getting older is that I feel less sexual. I hope for it to go away altogether.

I was always told that sex was wrong. That is was a necessary evil to produce children but that was it. Girls only had periods because they had impure thoughts. Boys who masturbated were wicked and murderers.

I of course was sexually active from the age of five. So I believed. I remember this was my answer when asked how old I was when I first 'did it'.

It is a good part of why I never told. I truly believed it was my fault.

As a grown up I felt that I shouldn't enjoy sex. How could I enjoy abuse? Others have given me the feeling that I really ought not to like sex because of my abuse and that there was something wrong with me because I did. I find it next to impossible to see sex as an expression of love. I might add I would feel exactly the same way if I were st8. I have always seen sex as bad. End of. Yet I have always been rather obsessed by it too. Truly good people don't feel sexy and certainly don't indulge. I never had sex sober until I was in my late 30's.

So maybe one thing is true. Sex 'f***s' you up......
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