In Brief

you seemed to me to be king
god, the all powerful one
you knew it all
you were never wrong
your pronouncement 
the only truth

i knew I did 
not come up the mark
knew you hated me
i saw the shame
i tasted the fist of shame
i felt the look of scorn
the spit of disgust

i spent a life time
searching for they key
to make you see me 
the son you were given
not the mistake of shame
you saw in me

i tried
i crawled
i became a puppy
eager to please
my efforts ignored
no matter what I did
i felt the fist of scron
withered under 
the eyes of dsigust
festered in the 
spit of shame

in the world 
I was not equipped
I did not see 
people who were 
not from a good place
I suffered at their hands
and blamed myself
I must have been wrong
a fist to the face
an apology on my lips

i became dysmorphic
in the mirror 
i saw a hideous
face
looking back at me
a twisted demon
my church 
comforting message was
it would be better
you were dead
they said
Jesus would forgive
your suicide
but not your love
of men

my sensitivity, my art
my gifted knitting and needle
a sin
unacceptable to God
my love of dogs a perversion
a sign of immaturity
another abnormality

i used to pray 
I wasn't yours
i must have been adopted
stolen even
or maybe I 
wasn't my dads
maybe that is why 
he hated me

what was wrong
with me
why couldn't I
 get it right
I was in a position
 to die
i wanted nothing
 esle
I was no good
I was pain 
personified
I wanted it to 
end

opportunity arose
12 hours undisturbed
time to free myself 
before I was found
as it happend my mother
ruled by appearance
left me 18 hours
when I wouldn't wake
an employee
called the ambulance

I awoke hearing the DR tell
my parents it was too late
the couldn't reverse it
it was just time
I was awake
I heard
I was petrified
I wanted to pass 
into oblivion
unaware

I waited
I waited
I waited 
I became nore conscious.
hearing, taste 
altered weirdly

the huge drive up
to an imposing 
Victorian asylum
the nutters inside
the man who sat 
opposite me
his arms a blaze 
with cuts
the twins
convnced the Germans
were coming
the screams
the woman held down
 as meds were 
forced upon her
 The toss was home 
or here
I chose here
not knwoing i was signing
my freedom a way
that the abuse was 
really going to start now
the abuse was really 
going to start
now

No haven
no respite
held down and
bottom bared
as largactil
forced into my blood
a torture in itself..

men in white coats
deciding in two minutes
one is pyschotic and 
needs to be contorlled
nursing staff who dragged
one out of bed
kicked and punched
abnormal EEG
never explained

my 17 years of life
so far
not a shred of interest
to the twats
in white coats

electrodes placed
heterosexual the aim
pain and sex the result

a world away
fresh as yesterday
yet so far away

today the good life
away from experts
away from shrinks
away from bullies
in Angel gear

knowing i am good
always was
was not the problem
they were

i fought my way
up thru the pit of hell
put those misguided at best
evil at worst
away from my life

I had my revenge
it's a wonderful life
a successful life
i am not their pronouncements
am not a slave
to religious criminasl
who abuse all they can reach

i survived
i made it
i have a wonderous
exciting and free life
the only revenge
is in living.

KNITTING ACCEPTANCE

NEW PARAMETERS (Bugger!)

Damn bother blast.i collapsed at pool. home feeling okay but waiting now for Doc. my legs gave way and i felt very trembly all over. about 15 mins I guess till i staryted to fee; okay again. staff saod i was 'white as shhet' but i only knew i felt feint and weak and wobbly. iam getting very fed up with all this juggling drugs, mobility, food etc. it realy p's me off but i can't just fuck it and take to by bed for the rrest of my ife.

I saw the Doc and she agreed with the pool staff (and me) that I had a hypo. It seems I still cannot eat carbs without risking one. No, I am not diabetic. No I have nothing wrong with my pancreas, thyroid or stomach. I just produce too march insulin in response to sugar, hence the reason I was so fat and tired until I went low carb, lost a 100lb and generally felt better. So it seems even complex carbs, like oats, does it for me. So back to low carb. The aspirin is okay too, for a couple more days only of course. Neighbours was upsetting today only because of Rhys mother, young and wheelchair bound, not even able to move neck. They told us what was wrong with her today and I had expected MS or MND but it is spinal degeneration-one of my problems. I needed that after already feeling down. BUT it is why I keep mobile as much as I can. My Aunt Jessie was like her, supports all over, in a wheelchair. I am putting that off as long as possible. It is a matter of finding a balance. I will rest Tuesday and swim the following day.

i knew there was good reason to hide out in my changing room until the hypo went away because the staff would have insisted I drank sugar-which would only have exacerbated it. I f had been home, I'd have eaten cheese although today just told me to do nothing and it will right itself.

Well I am going to do nothing at all today. Stay in, watch telly (DVDs), quality time with dogs. Kitting. Listening to music. Twaddle on here. Re-adjust myself yet again to the new circumstances and possibilities. Allow myself to feel sad about it. Gain strength again to say well f*ck it! I am going to live and live well despite it. The constant parameter change can be overwhelming and frustrating but once I get the change, I can deal with it. I am lucky. I am not totally incapacitated. I know of someone twenty years older with same and they still walk if little, but not wheelchair bound. I feel I ought to apologise for not being my smiling self and banging on about this but writing is the way I assimilate. Thru writing I answer myself because I write what I didn't know I thought or I write an idea I had not thought about. At least, yet again, the low carb route has shown itself to be my only option and the only route my Dr says is open to me. So i can stop believing very effing thing I read. Of course I could have taken that article and had a large protein breakfast. This is what I do when on holiday. Always a large protein breakfast-eggs, sausages, salami, mushrooms, cheese. I then am not hungry until the evening meal.
I ma taking my muscle relaxants today and I will have a take care day. You will have a good day too. You have permission to have fun and enjoy it. xo

ON MY TOES

We are into the sixth hour of WILD CHINA and excellent BBC documentary series on Blu-Ray. I didn't know they have their own elephants nor that the Chinese were very into conservation of lands and animals. Yet the people will also eat almost anything that moves. They have a most delightful snub nose monkey, rather reminiscent of ultra-type Persians. Lots of beautiful species of birds, rodents, red panda-which are more closely related to skunk. And of course Panda for which there was a very rare scene of Panda porn! They have a rather endearing mating ritual which involves the male cuddling up the female and placing his head lovingly and forlornly on her back until she is ready and then he shags her rotten. They also showed the most amazing Ice City built by 10,000 people over 18 days. Miniature of course. At night they were all lit up. Some scenery reminded me of the Rockies. Some of the people were regal looking and one ethnic group had very good looking men in an almost ethereal way - tall and slim with very chiselled features and they wore their hair in a sort of bun with ponytails wrapped from front to back around the head with colourful clothing which may have been silk, I can't 
recall.

I am trying an experiment. Eating breakfast. Not only that but oats, as in porridge. I have not eaten cereals/grains,pulses for years. I am allergic in that they really irritate my gut and cause gas, bloating and frequent pooing. However, the tramadol and  morphine I take daily has pretty much calmed my IBS right down. So this morning I tired 80g of Porridge made with water and some salt and artificial sweetener.

Later, I found my exercise much easier. But not sure if it was the porridge or the fact yesterday was a rest day. I did however, burn more calories according to the meter.  I also did not feel exhausted afterward.

I do not know if I will be able to tolerate this yet. I am also taking large doses of Asprin 3 x daily (425mg) instead of my usual 75mg once. This is too get rid of the inflammation in my hips which got so bad it was keeping me awake. The pain has already gone and now I just ahve the normal pain which the morphine/tramadol/paracetamol take care of. I have no idea why it doesn't deal with inflammation pain.

On top of this I take Protium, an antacid pill.

Well guts have not felt too good this evening. But it  could be the oats, the aspirin or the protium!!! I think tomorrow morning will give me a better idea.

My yarn sold well recently. It was a good feeling to have my work being so appreciated.

I sometimes despair that I cannot seem to do more than I do. 'd like to be knitting on my machines regularly but I just don't have the energy and besides that it becomes inhibitingly painful rather quickly. Then there is the fact my fingers are not working  very well at all. This makes careful sewing and stitch  manipulation not so easy to do.

Life is still good and full of interest despite the challenges. I guess my physical difficulties prevent me becoming complacent! Perhaps too, I have little time to be bored!

DOG N BOTTLE

JUSTICE

Whitney co-presents the last two or three minutes!

Whitney Houston Too Rich To Suffer

In response to comments regarding the death of Whitney Houston:

I feel nothing but compassion for her. 

I think people too readily condemn her or are harsh because they think that money and and fame are a cure all. 

I also think they let jealousy get in the way. 
Addiction is a terrible affliction. If she had died of cancer or diabetes I don't believe would be mean spirited about her death. the woman died because of an illness, one that causes terrible suffering to all 
concerned.
 
Many people are obese and whilst people are mean about fat people, I don't recall anyone slamming <Mama Cass for her death, or come to think ofit  Karen Carpenter who died as a direct result of her addiction. Elvis? He is practically worshipped.
 
Then there are other addictions-OCD-like constant washing, tidy freaks, etc. Why do we pick out booze and drugs as far worse and also a totally self inflicted problem, when we tend to have compassion for anorexics, bulimics, neat freaks, clean freaks, and a host of other addictions. And yes they DO all have victims. 


We ALL pay the cost of food addiction in tax and healthcare costs for example, children losing their parents too young because they were overweight. 
I think what makes people angry is the that Whitney Houston, thru her life and death, has shown that what we think of as the cure, wealth and fame, is no such thing and that scares us stupid because we all think if we were that rich, our problems would disappear. No they would not.

Rich or poor, we are still who we are. I am sure Ms Houston lived under the same illusion and this would have increased her suffering not lessened it. Then of course there is death itself: our biggest fear and now we are in the business of dealing with the fear of our own death by blaming everyone else for theirs! If we eat right, exercise right, do this right, or that right, think this way or that way, follow the true path et etc etc we will not die.

Bollocks but a very powerful incentive nonetheless for us to continue to find reasons why it is THEIR fault for dyeing. Weak people LOSE their BATTLE with cancer! Or they SUCCUMB to MS. Or, most commonly, they did something wrong and brought it upon themselves. Thus we, who are good, will not suffer so. Bad things do not happen to good people do they?

SKY SUITE

John is home sick since last Thursday. He has a chest infection. He often does this time of year. He has COPD so is vulnerable. At least I don't have to fight him to make sure he takes his anti-biotics and stays home. That used to be a real battle.

I am doing very well. The worst of my disease seems to be in  remission. I am able to swim almost daily again. My weight is dropping. I am still taking the drugs and now topping up with 80mg of morphine but I am not fatigued. I don't have that awful bone weariness and I am sleeping quite well too. I am making the most of it. I have no idea how long it will last. My last bad period was two years long. That was how long I struggled to get back to daily swimming and barely managing half my usual laps twice a week. As my Doctor says, there is no telling what will happen next. 

All the dogs are doing well. I took Chase and Christophe to their first show training class last night. Chase was the better of the two, much to my surprise. I had thought Christophe to be the bolder. Chase really showed his socks off. He is not happy withe the judging table but then he isn't at home either. Time will sort that out. I am very pleased with both these boys but I still much prefer Chase.

I am beginning to get more done on the knitting front. Still not as much as I used to. My output dropped significantly during the really bad health period and although I am now good again, I have had the litter of puppies to deal with. I had not thought of puppies as work before, and I still don't, but they do take up a lot of time.

I am very pleased to have found out that John and I will have the same legal rights as heterosexual marrieds when we form our Civil Partnership at 3pm July 7th. They just don't call it Marriage! But the law will change again, and then it will be called marriage. How silly to not call it marriage in the first place!

The amount of people invited has grown somewhat from our original six, including us. Now it is eighteen including us.

We are leaving the day after our wedding to spend a week in Frankfurt, in a 5star hotel, in a suite. It os called a Sky Suite because it is very high up and overlooks the city. I know John will enjoy this. It remains to be seen if I shall even go near the windows, let alone the balcony! Heights are not my forte.

Civil Partnership-Same as Marriage

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4497348.stm

HEAVY PETTING 07 02 12

THE GOOD LIFE

Life is going well. 

I appear to be in 'remission' from the worst aspects of my disease(s). By this I mean that the fatigue is vastly reduced and the pain is well controlled with the drugs. This makes it easier to move and enables me to have fuller days. I am back to swimming almost daily. It is two years since I have been able to do that. My weight is going down as a result.

The date for our Civil Partnership is all set. 3pm July 7th 2012. I call it a wedding. (The govt. intend making it full marriage anyway but don't ask me what the differences are!) I have invited all the guests. Our intent has been properly registered.

I have booked a suite in Frankfurt, Germany as our wedding treat. Sunday8th to Sunday 15th, with Monday to Saturday in the suite. It's a 'Sky Suite', a high rise room, with city views. I will not go near the balcony probably but John  will like it. The hotel is central in walking distance of shopping and museums and galleries.

I am very pleased with Mary-Grace's litter. I sold the only female, a very good one, to my friend for showing. I will leave it to her as to when it becomes public knowledge. i have kept two males, Chase and Christophe. I prefer Chase but Christophe is also very promising. I kept both so as to see how they develop. I will sell Christophe as a pet or a show dog when he is over 6 months and it is easier to see how he has developed. Both move every well and have excellent movement tho they are of different style.

I have sold yarn well. I have not made much effort to do so as I have been so busy with the litter. I have only one sleeve left to knit on my cashmere/silk sweater.

We have had much snow here with more forecast. It is very cold, with temps going down to -10c tomorrow night.

Today I have been listening to a woman called Devil Doll. I really like her forthright style. Big band/rock type songs with guts and power and sometimes 4 letter lyrics! It's different and she has a powerful voice.

SNOW DOGS

BORN AGAIN BEFORE-AFTER

This is me when still shackled to Christianity.

This is me Born Again and religion free.

USA NOT A XIAN COUNTRY(and wasn't supposed to be!)

"Thomas Paine was a pamphleteer whose manifestos encouraged the faltering spirits of the country and aided materially in winning the war of Independence: 
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of...Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and for my own part, I disbelieve them all." 
From: 
The Age of Reason by Thomas Paine, pp. 8,9 (Republished 1984, Prometheus Books, Buffalo, NY)"

"John Adams, the country's second president, was drawn to the study of law but faced pressure from his father to become a clergyman. He wrote that he found among the lawyers 'noble and gallant achievments" but among the clergy, the "pretended sanctity of some absolute dunces". Late in life he wrote: "Twenty times in the course of my late reading, have I been upon the point of breaking out, "This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it!"

It was during Adam's administration that the Senate ratified the Treaty of Peace and Friendship, which states in Article XI that "the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion." 
From: 
The Character of John Adams by Peter Shaw, pp. 17 (1976, North Carolina Press, Chapel Hill, NC) Quoting a letter by JA to Charles Cushing Oct 19, 1756, and John Adams, A Biography in his Own Words, edited by James Peabody, p. 403 (1973, Newsweek, New York NY) Quoting letter by JA to Jefferson April 19, 1817, and in reference to the treaty, Thomas Jefferson, Passionate Pilgrim by Alf Mapp Jr., pp. 311 (1991, Madison Books, Lanham, MD) quoting letter by TJ to Dr. Benjamin Waterhouse, June, 1814."

"Thomas Jefferson, third president and author of the Declaration of Independence, said:"I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die a Unitarian." He referred to the Revelation of St. John as "the ravings of a maniac" and wrote: 
The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding and too plain to need explanation, saw, in the mysticisms of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power, and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them: and for this obvious reason that nonsense can never be explained." 
From: 
Thomas Jefferson, an Intimate History by Fawn M. Brodie, p. 453 (1974, W.W) Norton and Co. Inc. New York, NY) Quoting a letter by TJ to Alexander Smyth Jan 17, 1825, and Thomas Jefferson, Passionate Pilgrim by Alf Mapp Jr., pp. 246 (1991, Madison Books, Lanham, MD) quoting letter by TJ to John Adams, July 5, 1814."

Video: Perhaps the Best HD View of Earth From Space Ever - The Atlantic

Video: Perhaps the Best HD View of Earth From Space Ever - The Atlantic

Video: Perhaps the Best HD View of Earth From Space Ever - The Atlantic

Video: Perhaps the Best HD View of Earth From Space Ever - The Atlantic

A PALTRY ONE MILLION POUNDS!!!

There is a lot on controversy going on here because the CEO of RBS (an 82% state owned bank since the 'crash') was awarded a million pound bonus on to of his 1.2 million a year. He has now decided not to take it.

I don't think this has anything to do with morality but much to do with jealousy! People are jealous of his success and money, they are not morally outraged, they just fool themselves they are.

If I employed a man or woman and their work stopped me losing money and GAINED me 2 BILLION, I would expect a decent person to be morally outraged if I only rewarded him with a 1.2 million salary and a 1 million bonus!

Now what I DO object to is the fact the USA govt and UK govt bailed the failing banks out. I especially wish that people would remember that it was a RIGHT WING US govt that bailed out the USA banks.

I find it astonishing that less fuss was made about that by the American people than they do at the 'evil' of healthcare for all! Oh, yes, we will pay billions to stop a bank failing, and keep the rich rich, and making them richer, but NO, fuck you, die if you can't afford health care. Yes, we will have socialised military, agriculture, education but healthcare? Are you insane? Um, yes i suppose I am by your terms!

Most people wrongly assume I am a lefty. It would be wrong to assume I am a righty. I am neither.

What gets me about the 'small government' people, is that they say they do not want, and rightly so, a government directing their lives. Yet they want to control the lives of OTHERS! They want to control people's sexual behaviour, they do not want ALL to have the same rights, they do not want women to have control of their own bodies. I think their belief in 'small government' is bulldust.

What about the idea that helping out the poor, the unemployed, the sick etc be left to charity. 

ARE YOU KIDDING? 

This will mean that people will be more controlled that by a government that cares for it's people REGARDLESS.

Oh no. Charities will refuse to help people they do not approve of. And YOU may think it would not affect you because YOU are not a 'minority' but you can bet your life that the day will come when  YOU will not be approved of and if you end up in the shit, you will be denied care, compassion, help because YOU will not be approved of because if left to charity, the basis upon which people will be helped will be completely arbitrary.

It is morally reprehensible to allow people to suffer and die, to be homeless, jobless, and sick and not help them.

We live in a capitalist system and part of it will always be that there will be unemployment and the underprivileged, and the old, the sick, the disabled. AND those of lower mental capacity.

This is the BIG lie that people have swallowed: that we each can through our own endeavour become rich. That is NOT true. It assumes we all have an IQ high enough, have good health, and have talent enough in the RIGHT thing that will bring riches to us. 

We also shamefully look down upon those people in low paid job doing work we look down upon yet these people ALLOW us to live the way we do! Bin-men, sewage workers, road workers etc are all vital to our way of life. 

I think that we need to take care of our fellows. there are those whose attitude to the sick, the mentally challenged, the disabled etc is 'tough , we don't don't owe them anything'. I  can't say anything to that except that mankind does NOT need such people.

NONE of us exists in a vacuum. We all exist with the help of others. Had human beings not become altruistic, I would not be writing this and you would not be reading this. We would not exist.

We all have a right to be who we are. WE have a right to live without a government telling us who we can be or what we should think. We have the right to be as free as is possible. (Total freedom is not possible-anrachy will destroy us all-the more freedom the less security. It is a balancing act.) Government has NO right to dictate to people how they live with Each other, how they raise families, who they marry etc.

It is right that we, the people, care for the people, and that we therefore allow Government to provide, with our money, healthcare, education, security. Laws to stop the strong destroying the weak.

We must find a way of stopping individuals elected to govern us becoming powerful and controlling. They must ALWAYS be reminded they are OUR servants, we are not theirs. We need make sure ORDINARY people make up the majority of government. Being governed by people who are most rich is clearly not working! Nor will it ever. Likewise, we can't be governed those who think we should all be the same and that no one be rewarded for excellence.

I am fully aware that my thoughts are just that. i am not smart enough to organize a raffle let alone a government! I am smart enough to know right from wrong and it is simply wrong that we do not care for our fellows and that we try an control who people are.

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SO SO

Well I didn't 'get away' with anything. Can barely move this morning and my legs feel pulled taught. I knew last night I wasn't getting up to swimming because I could just feel the 'being run over by a lorry' feeling was coming on. 

This does NOT mean I will abandon the new exercise. I 
will do it some more but if this continues to be a problem, I'll stop. It's a no impact exercise -crosstrainer- so it ought to be okay but that rather begs the question why am I so bad today if it's going to be okay? Well, it could just be that my muscles hurt cos they have been doing what they are not used to? Or the crosstrainer movement is bad for me. I only feel tired after a swim, not in pain even if the swim was painful. The crosstrainer got my heart going though-clearly as I was drenched when finished!

Good news is I weighed myself and am 4lbs lighter so I am getting closer to losing all the weight I gained over the year or so of not being able to exercise to my usual level. At least. when I think about it, the weight gain over almost two years was not bad at all. I lost over 100lb in 2005 or thereabouts and I have kept all but 14 off. Now I have lost 7 of those again. That is one of the major pains about my condition-I put on weight very easily, have to be rigid about what I eat AND get enough exercise. This is why I get so grumpy about not exercising. It's also why, no matter how crap my day has been, if I have swum, I feel it was a good day.

My boys Chase and Christophe are 10 weeks and 1 day. They are both very good, super movers but completely different from each other in type. 

I prefer Chase as he looks more Apso to me (and to John). That and he is very affectionate and clever. He gives both his paws now and is so pleased with himself he gives them as soon as I look at him!

Christophe is higher on the leg, more athletically built, not much different in head. He is striking when he moves and appears to have a longer neck BUT his coat lays flat whereas Chase's coat is thick and stands out. Christophe might be what I complain about-a super moving well built hairy dog with a passing resemblance to a Lhasa Apso that a lot of judges will fall for. The only way I am going to know is to run both on until grown.

I have done little knitting recently. STILL working on the same socks and same sweaters as I was weeks ago! I have done a fair bit of dyeing though and I have sold well. Maybe because I remembered to advertise!

It's miserable and wet and cold again. Yes, I live in England but one can always hope! I would prefer much colder but dry.

LIGHT OR DARK

SPONTANEOUS DAY OUT

We had a lovely day out at the Queensgate Mall. The first thing that caught my eye as the lift door opened onto the first floor of John Lewis was a brightly embroidered bedspread which i immediately bought as a throw for my armchair. It was one of those 'instant just the thing' things. I also bought a pair of closed Bower & Wilkinson headphones. These, when is use, cannot be heard by anyone else. Not as good sound wise as my Grado 325 is but still very good but most importantly if John is watching snooker or some other dull thing, I can listen to my music with out him hearing my music too. 

I also bought a flower pattern shirt for  M&S and also more underwear! I have a thing for M&S underwear. these are all base layer underwear-lon legs, long sleeves, close fitting, thermal, thin, and stretchy. Lovely. On my legs I wear a pair of these M&S, a pair ok Nike ski trousers, and on op of that, a merino angora mix long johns. On the top I wear M&S long sleeved vest, another two vests, one thicker and brushed, then my shirt/jumper. Then my coat and hat. Finally I manage to keep warm. If it is colder, I wear my hand knit socks, as always, but with very thick fleece lined socks.

John bought a few history books. Tried to get him to buy clothes or shoes but to no avail. 'I have two pairs of shoes-nothing wrong with them'!!!
We had a good meal in the cafe at John Lewis. I had cooked chicken with cauli and carrots. I was very pleased.

The Gay Rights Movement

NOT A SIN

Irk! Horrid and wet. No wonder Luque and Whitney stayed upstairs when I got up. They must have sensed it. I eventually got them up and out but they just huddled the doors. MG, Pussy, Ada and pups all went out, did it, and the 3 grown ups came back in but the puppies thought they ought to bathe first.

I did not swim. I awoke tired and sore and started the usual argument in my head and them it dawned on me that it isn't a matter of right or wrong! It would be different if I decided to not go ever again. That would be bad for my health. To decide not go because I am sore and tired is reasonable.

As always my winter lightbox has done it's job. I am not slow and lethargic or down. Just 20-30mins a day-or those days when it is dull and grey like today.

Am into the final stretch of my latest pair of socks. Which reminds me I have yarn to sort and label and put in my shop.

ANCIENT AT 25!

All chores done on this very cold morning. White with frost. The puppies are out and loving it. They don't care it's cold. The adults only went out long enough to relieve themselves! Won't be able to pick up do do till later today and they have started to defrost a little.

Have a busy day to day. Am going to Boston (Lincolnshire, not Mass.) and will leave here at 10.30am. Possibly back by 2.30pm. 

I was sensible and did not go swimming knowing I had to do this today. It still p's me off though that I can't do both!

I am generally feeling better all around though despite a more or less constant hip pain which interferes with sleep. Normally the pain is shared around various parts which is easier. Tho maybe it's just that my hip joint gets used a lot and so pain there is more annoying. My hands whilst stubbornly refusing to work properly at least are not burning constantly. 

I am on the one hand pleased with myself for having become much better at pacing myself, which deciding not to go swimming because of my trip today is doing, there is a part of me resentful that I have to.

And whilst I know it is superfluous, I have recently found myself getting irked at kind people suggesting this is 'age'. I can't ignore it and have to point out that my difficulties are not age related! Not that i'm bothered about getting older but I am not old enough to be this stuffed! seriously. I have progressively got worse since my 20's. One doesn't have age degeneration from one's 20's! And it's not normal ageing that relegates a man to using using walking stick and wheelchair in his mid 40's! Blimey, maybe some people think 40 is ancient! More understandable if the comments came from teens but no, they are from the more mature people. I wonder how they got the idea in the first place. Anyway, for some unfathomable reason, it irks me.

DEFENDING MY OWN

I was training the puppies to walk on a lead. 

A woman came along with her largish terrier loose-off the lead. I immediately stood in front of my puppy and when made noises for the terrier to go. He ignored me and as he got closer I moved my walking stick toward him which he promptly walked into.The woman all the while was saying 'he won't hurt it'. 

I personally don't give a f*ck! She should have had the dog on the lead, it's the law, and she should have called him off as soon as she realised he was approaching a little puppy (or any dog). 

She reacted to me as if i had been really unbelievably mean bad I bet she went home and said some awful man hit her dog! I said nothing to her at all because I would have been very rude. I just said NO loudly a few times, to no avail, to the dog. 


The dog seemed like a really nice chap, well cared for, handsome but he should NOT have been off the lead. 
In marked contrast to the woman walking her Pit Bull who as soon as she saw me and puppy she crossed the road. Now that is a RESPONSIBLE dog owner. The dog just eyed his breakfast as he went past forlornly.

MG PUPS INDOORS

MG PUPS 15 01 2012

DINNER 15 01 2012

BETWEEN MY LEGS

I had an excellent night.

In Lidl yesterday they were selling the pillows I often see in German hotels. They are about 5 ft long. I have always put them on the floor and just used my memory foam pillow which I take whenever I am sleeping away. Anyway, the blurb on the packing said 'offers support for side sleepers' and I knew immediately what they meant. I sleep on my side and usually put the duvet between my legs. Not last night. I used my new pillow. I slept for a whole 5 hours without waking and when I did I was in the same position as when I settled. Such a simple aid and it works very well for me.

It is still very cold out. -1c. Stuff os frozen white. I prefer this to damp and grey which makes me hurt more. I got my layering right yesterday and i was only just beginning top feel the cold after being out for 3 hours. My feet not at all.

One of the girls, Ada or Pussy, is going to come into season judging from the way everyone is behaving. It appears to be Ada they keeping sniffing but her fanny looks completely normal. I think they give an indication weeks before their season. If it is Ada, I shall breed her.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

I had a very strange experience today. I am still not sure what I think about it. 

A security guard in a shop we were in spoke to me when I said 'hello' as I rode by in my wh/chair. We got chatting and he eventually asked me what had happened to me, pointing to my wheelchair. 

I realised he thought I had had an accident. I said 'no I have a neurological problem' having no wish to list my ills! He then said 'I hope you get well soon' and I responded that I wouldn't get well and will likely get worse. 

His response is what has left me ...I cannot think of a word that describes how I feel. He got really upset and said he would pray for me. I told him I was happy and it could be very much worse. I told him how good my life is and how I would not want to go back. He was still upset and he then said 'you are far too nice to have this'. 

I have never ever had a reaction like this from anyone, let alone a total stranger. He was Indian and spoke Urdu (we chatted for quite a while). He clearly was an empathetic man. 

I know I react in similar ways which is why i am careful what I watch or read and I also tend to keep myself more protected. I found myself trying to comfort this stranger! trying to tell him how it really isn't that bad, I do really have a good life. This is one of those encounters I shall never forget.

SOCK GROUP

Okay if you want to get all the files relating to my toe up sock method join;


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JELLY LEGS

I just wrote out the instructions for my Andersson Heel Mach II (revised). They've been posted to my group. I have used this revised heel for a long time so it was time I wrote it down.

Last night bed was yuk a lot of pain and I didn't get up for swimming as I had finally slept sitting up. I ought to have gone swimming regardless. Instead I took enough morphine and went for a walk. As expected, the pain subsided as I walked and the pills did their job. Pillock!!! I forgot that even without the pain I was asking for trouble and sure enough I got jelly legs and thought I was going to have call for help to get home. I didn't- I made it home and have been sat on my bum for the last 4 hours. Stubborn git. So I just have to be sure to get up for the pool no matter how I sleep. I can always go back to bed.

Still, during this 4 hours I have sorted out the sound on my music playback program which streams to the hifi. It's a bugger. Sometimes I long for a simple base and treble since I have no idea what Hi or Lo shelf, or HiPass or Lo Pass or Parametric or Emph or RIAA or Notch are! However, through farting about I get an idea what they do and I now have it sounding the way I liker it to sound. Using Room Node-50hz and all 4 doodahs set High Shelf and the 3 slidy things for each of the 4 were slid about until I got what i wanted. A sound engineer I am not but this sounds good to me.

MIND OVER MATTER - a dirty little secret.

I am sure that like me you have heard a few rather vociferous and famous scientists mocking the idea that the human mind survives the death of the human body. Clearly they also deny the possibility of a God. To meet these are two entirely separate things and I have no intention of talking about the possibility of God in this article.

I have found myself recently pointing out to one or two people that to say that there is no evidence at all for life after death is all for the mind being separate from the body is a lie. The response I always get back is that the evidence is not put forth by bone fide scientists and has been proved to be nonsense.

Guess what? This is not true.

There are a number of highly educated and highly intelligent physicists who are like me, Dualists. By this it is meant that we believe that mind is not the byproduct of chemicals in the brain that is in fact separate from the brain. Quantum physicists will tell you that matter is affected by the consciousness. This can only be so if mind and matter are separate entities.

I have no intention of arguing the toss here about the evidence stockpiled by parapsychologists. According to some scientists that if this evidence were to do with another branch of science it would be considered proof.

However, many materialist scientists reject entirely the evidence put forth by quantum physicists and other scientists because they do not want Dualism to be true. They reject scientific evidence because of an emotional need, just like the religionists they mock. So for them materialism is not science but an ideology. Classical physics has more or less been proven to be wrong by quantum physics the materialists specifically biologists refuse to acknowledge or accept this.

So the next time somebody mocks you for believing that mind is separate from the brain know that you are in very good company. The next time they lie to you and tell you that there is no acceptable evidence for this to be so, just be aware that what they say is untrue and that they are wedded to their belief just as surely as any religious fundamentalist.

It is not a coincidence that one or two of these famous scientists are accused of being just like Religious Fundamentalists. They are. They are refusing to acknowledge evidence that clearly refutes their materialist view of the world. This is precisely what religionists do.

One of the arguments put forward as proof that the mind cannot be separate from the brain is the tragedy that we witness in the behaviour of a person with something like Alzheimer's disease or other brain damage. It is said that if the brain was being controlled by a mind, and the mind was not being produced by the brain, then we would not witness this tragedy.

And then think of a television. In a functioning television we see pictures on the screen. And we know that the impetus for these pictures and for the sound is coming through the air and the television is interpreting them. We do not say when television malfunctions that therefore the picture and sound must be a product of the TV and not of the airwaves.

Quantum physics is not an easy subject to read. Nor is it likely that a nonscientist would fare very well in a debate as one would easily become bamboozled. Which of course the materialist scientist is fully aware of and takes full advantage of.

Really the whole point of this is not to prove that there is life after death, not to prove that there is a God, but merely to show that it is neither superstitious ignorant or unintelligent for people to believe and that there are more to human beings than we realise and that part of that is that our consciousness is not just a byproduct of our brains! Our sense of self is not a trick of the brain.

SCIENCE AND THE NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE BY CHRIS CARTER

I have only read the first chapters which deal purely with scientific theory of materialism, dualism, localism and stuff. NOT light reading but fascinating. I cannot hope to precise what he explains so well. It is well worth reading.

SILLY SOD 09 01 2012

DON'T RUIN YOUR DAY

GAY ENOUGH TO MARRY

July 7th this year is our 31st anniversary. We met, I went to his home and never left. It was love at first sight. It was Tuesday July 7th 1981, early evening.

We are to marry at Ely Registry Office at 3pm on Saturday July 7th 2012.

When we first met we never dreamed that would happen. There was an awful lot of hatred for us from the Religious Right and the Church in those days which only got worse. We wondered if we'd get old or be in camps by now like during WWII. There was talk of this when HIV firs hit. MP's suggested we all be interned in camps and put on an island somewhere.

Yet instead we are to marry. Whilst it is called a Civil Partnership, the present Conservative Prime Minister has stated that it will become full marriage with all the same rights. Right now we will have financial and next of kin security which is all we want. We don't want anyone to interfere medically with either of us and should John die, I will receive his pension just as a wife would. All our legal documents will state we are legally a couple.

There are some gay people against this. I don't accept their arguments as to why and strongly object to them trying to do to us what str8's have done to us always! They seem to think we are not gay enough and want to be 'pretend' str8's. How puerile! No it's about security and being legally recognised. I don't give a toss what anyone else accepts or doesn't. As for not being gay enough, I cannot think of anything more radical than living an ordinary life right in the midst of all the str8's, not needing to live in a gay ghetto in  order to feel validated.

Now what to wear? Will I be seated in Daniel? Or will I be stood up on my sticks? Subdued clothing or all out dog show outfit? Crumbs, only 6 months to get ready!

EXTRAVAGANCE

My swim went well. Am getting better at using legs properly. I can get back to my routine now. 


Going to have to work this out when John retires at end of April. We are having another room built on the back of the house so we can do stuff together or separate. I do not like being out of sync. 


Mind you this Xmas/New Year was very good. Until last night, we ate Chinese, I ate nothing I ought not. I had said that I wanted no goodies and if I was going to the stuff I am allergic too, it would be the last day of the holiday so I could swim the next morning.


So far it worked. I woke with a thumping head but it has gone and so far no other effects. I feel really good about it actually. I stuck to what I said I'd do. Xmas/New Year is always a problem food wise. It usually has me eating the wrong foods too often and being ill for the two weeks. Not this time. I enjoyed the time with John. 


Did I mention the real extravagance of a second coffee machine? This one is not a bean to cup but uses pads or ground-which was the reason for getting it. There are a lot of coffees only available ground. Now I can have all sorts of different coffees but most especially much easier for my evening de-caff.


The weather is terrible today. Very high winds with rain. It makes the house sound like a train. Very loud. Even the dogs got disturbed.


Listening to records today. Real records on a turntable. So far have listened to Amy MacDonald's A Curious Thing and now Laura Marling's I Speak Because I Can.

ME with ADA, PUSSY, WHITNEY, MARY-GRACE (L TO R)

I NEED DRUGS!!!!!

I would prefer this post to be positive but then I write it for me not for you so I need to be honest.

I don't feel happy right now. Oh, not depressed, just upset. It isn't always possible to ignore people.

One thing I will NOT tolerate from anyone is their mocking me or trying to shame me when they disagree with an idea of mine. i never mind disagreement, just as well, but I will NOT be mocked or shamed by anyone. This was someone I had in my friend list and with whom I had discussed things before. I was completely taken aback at their nastiness. More so when they seemed to think all would continue as normal. NO! They are not on my list now. I just don't have such people in my life. Don't respect me? Then fuck off.

What has really upset me was that during a discussion about end of life and disease and drug therapy, I mentioned my troubles and the drugs I take. 

This brought some horrendous posts, attacking me, accusing me of being an addict, or warning me I will become one, or that I ought to be looking for other ways of dealing with my pain and other arrogant twaddle. Not ONE word of empathy from anyone. Not one word about how awful it must be to have to live with 24/7 pain. No. Just judgement and downright mean spiritedness.

I know these people are not important to me. I was shocked by their attacks.

For years I suffered because I believed a lot of twaddle about medication. I refused to take meds. How I lived with the pain I do not know but I know it was awful, it severely limited my life. It made me very difficult to live with and made my mood dark. I did not enjoy life.

All because ignorant people with an agenda had convinced me over the years that pain medication was bad, turned all users of them into addicts, and destroyed lives. This on top of the real horrors I had experienced with psychiatric meds, which I did NOT need but was the way they chose to keep me quiet, I was very very reluctant to take drugs.

At the end of 2007, I was in so much pain, I gave in and took my first dose of Tramadol. WOW! Did I get high? No! Did I feel anything? Yes! Within an hour I felt relief from pain for the first time in years! After a few days I was at the Dr concerned that the drugs were making me high. Why, she asked?  I feel really good I said! Well, she said, you will be if your pain is down!Duh!

The most I have ever experienced is a facial flush and a feeling of vagueness from taking morphine. 

In the 4 years since then, I am still on Tramadol but also Gabapentin (added this year-makes a huge difference and is very effective in pain dampening enough to help me sleep. Meaning it is not a sleep inducing drug but keeps the pain from waking me, thus I get 6hrs usually without waking.) and the dreaded Morphine was added almost 3 years ago. I am still on all of these and they work. I take varying amounts of the morphine depending on pain levels.

Without medication, I would not be able to toilet myself, dress myself, bathe myself, eat or cook for myself. Not permanently. It varies, some days better than others. Without medication I'd have a very limited life. 

Rather than say I am upset, I guess it is more truthful to just say I am angry. I just don;t know how people can be so ignorant and cruel and in their arrogance f think they have every right to question a person's medical needs!!!! WTF do they think they are?

Why has this post turned out to be me justifying my medication use?

GRRRR!

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!! No one but me and my Doctor has ANY business discussing my needs.

Now some facts: untreated pain causes nerve damage. Not taking pain killers makes it much more difficult to deal with the pain when one does take the meds. Meaning when I first took painkillers it was only when it had reached a pitch I could not cope with. i have a high pain tolerance. Anyway, I would then take the pills. The relief was limited and didn't last very long. I resisted the advice to take the paracetamol and tramadol 4 times a day to keep the pain controlled and to use the morphine as a top up when the pain grew. it is possible that the reason i now take a lot is because I refused to do this! By so doing, I added to my problems and it now takes more to do the trick. I just could not get my head around taking drugs when I didn't feel the need. Taking pk's 4 times a day when I was not in agony seemed wrong to me. It seemed wrong because of the ignorant views about drugs and addiction that I had been taught.

Now I take my pills regularly, I don't argue. I am able to live better as a result. I take enough to give me a good quality of life. No, drugs do not make miracles! I am still limited. I still cannot live as if I don't have a disease. I don't expect to. So whilst drugs enable me to swim, for example, it does not enable me to live as if I were not disabled. Exhaustion overtakes me. I may not feel the pain activity causes, but I still get overly fatigued. Like Joh n and I walked the other day. Although it was pain free enough to complete the walk, John had to take my boots off and help me undress when it was over. After a dog show he often has to do the same.

Anyway, if any of you are like I used to be and are 'soldiering on', thinking it is good to not take meds, think again. there is nothing weak about taking meds. They have been developed for a reason-to help us! There is nothing heroic in suffering needless pain. My good friend has only recently taken up my suggestion that she try Gabapentin. She has and the difference in her quality of life was immediate. Like me, she resisted drugs. Like me she was afraid of them. She thought they would stop her driving, doing dog shows etc. It has not. What it has done is make her much happier and more able. It is a real pleasure to see the difference it has made in her.

Well, I feel better now! Now i am off to pop some pills!

(PS: yes drugs can shorten life. We know this. We have to decide between a possibly shorter life which is liveable or a long dependent pain filled life. Which to choose is obvious!)

MG PUPS 30 12 2011

the Crazy Watering Can