Wednesday, February 29, 2012

In Brief

you seemed to me to be king
god, the all powerful one
you knew it all
you were never wrong
your pronouncement 
the only truth

i knew I did 
not come up the mark
knew you hated me
i saw the shame
i tasted the fist of shame
i felt the look of scorn
the spit of disgust

i spent a life time
searching for they key
to make you see me 
the son you were given
not the mistake of shame
you saw in me

i tried
i crawled
i became a puppy
eager to please
my efforts ignored
no matter what I did
i felt the fist of scron
withered under 
the eyes of dsigust
festered in the 
spit of shame

in the world 
I was not equipped
I did not see 
people who were 
not from a good place
I suffered at their hands
and blamed myself
I must have been wrong
a fist to the face
an apology on my lips

i became dysmorphic
in the mirror 
i saw a hideous
looking back at me
a twisted demon
my church 
comforting message was
it would be better
you were dead
they said
Jesus would forgive
your suicide
but not your love
of men

my sensitivity, my art
my gifted knitting and needle
a sin
unacceptable to God
my love of dogs a perversion
a sign of immaturity
another abnormality

i used to pray 
I wasn't yours
i must have been adopted
stolen even
or maybe I 
wasn't my dads
maybe that is why 
he hated me

what was wrong
with me
why couldn't I
 get it right
I was in a position
 to die
i wanted nothing
I was no good
I was pain 
I wanted it to 

opportunity arose
12 hours undisturbed
time to free myself 
before I was found
as it happend my mother
ruled by appearance
left me 18 hours
when I wouldn't wake
an employee
called the ambulance

I awoke hearing the DR tell
my parents it was too late
the couldn't reverse it
it was just time
I was awake
I heard
I was petrified
I wanted to pass 
into oblivion

I waited
I waited
I waited 
I became nore conscious.
hearing, taste 
altered weirdly

the huge drive up
to an imposing 
Victorian asylum
the nutters inside
the man who sat 
opposite me
his arms a blaze 
with cuts
the twins
convnced the Germans
were coming
the screams
the woman held down
 as meds were 
forced upon her
 The toss was home 
or here
I chose here
not knwoing i was signing
my freedom a way
that the abuse was 
really going to start now
the abuse was really 
going to start

No haven
no respite
held down and
bottom bared
as largactil
forced into my blood
a torture in itself..

men in white coats
deciding in two minutes
one is pyschotic and 
needs to be contorlled
nursing staff who dragged
one out of bed
kicked and punched
abnormal EEG
never explained

my 17 years of life
so far
not a shred of interest
to the twats
in white coats

electrodes placed
heterosexual the aim
pain and sex the result

a world away
fresh as yesterday
yet so far away

today the good life
away from experts
away from shrinks
away from bullies
in Angel gear

knowing i am good
always was
was not the problem
they were

i fought my way
up thru the pit of hell
put those misguided at best
evil at worst
away from my life

I had my revenge
it's a wonderful life
a successful life
i am not their pronouncements
am not a slave
to religious criminasl
who abuse all they can reach

i survived
i made it
i have a wonderous
exciting and free life
the only revenge
is in living.


Iris said...

When did you write this, Colin? How poignant!

valerieB Canada said...

This is so powerful!! Fantastic, Colin, putting your pain into prose makes it all the more moving. Wow.

Anita said...

I am sorry for your pain.
I celebrate your freedom.

Georgina said...

Colin that is a fantastic piece of writing. I think I have a tiny inkling of what a hard yet worthwhile task its creation must have been and I thank you for making that leap.

DJNL said...

What an extraordinary piece...Thank you.