Days Like This

WEIRD

Yesterday was a weird day. I was very weak and did nothing but the essentials. Today I awoke feeling better and I went swimming. I can't move my neck side to side which is how all this came to a head in the first place. Or rather it is how the heart doctor knew my problem was spinal not my heart. I did get a two hour nap today. I feel fine in myself, just more crippled than of late.

SNOW

I might be housebound the next few days as a snow storm is to head our way for a few days, so the weather men and women say. I do love snow but am no longer in denial about it and I do fully realise that snow means staying in. I saw a program from Moscow today and I was yearning for it. The scenes were beautiful and it was all covered with snow. I said to John that it would be useless me visiting anywhere that was like that as all I could do would be to sit in my hotel room and look out the window!

PUPS

The puppies are coming on a pace. Eating very well. They go out into the garden. Not for long but long enough for them to get used to it. They go off and explore a little further each time. As fro keeping, I have narrowed it down to three, two girls and a boy. I'll try and get more pictures tomorrow.

SOCKS

My pink textured socks are almost done. I on the final stretch now on both, the ribbing at the top.

Whitney at LAC Open Show 25/01/09

Whitney at the Lhasa Apso Club Open show, 25th January, 2009. This is the day she gained her Junior Warrant.

Cool!

SERVICE

Last night's service went very well. My talk flowed and the demonstration produced good evidence.
I had decided to really dress up for it, as if I were going to a dog show. It produced a lot of compliments so I knew I was not looking foolish but well turned out.

There was a genius in the audience. Seriously. A very pleasant young man who was a Heavy Metal fan by the look of his clothing. Anyway, we had a chat. He politely asked if he could explain the Big Bang theory to me. I said of course he could. He wanted to because I had said in my talk about how the proposition of God presents the question , which science objects to, of who made God? The Big Bang Theory presents the exact same problem. How did it happen? How did nothing nothing become this universe? So this young man explained it. He told that in the beginning there was just Hydrogen. then something happened and helium was formed. From this everything else slowly evolved. He was dead serious too. I told him that I knew this and that it did not answer the question. How the hydrogen get there? What caused the big Bang that started the ball rolling? How did all this come from nothing? He stated that the hydrogen, the beginning, WAS nothing. I said not it wasn't, it was something, it was hydrogen. How did it get there? How did it bang? You could see expression change a she thought about it. I think the poor man had not thought that far because he had been bamboozled by his science teachers in just the same way that many children are bamboozled by religious people. (Oh an dmost important he was so impressed with my demonstration of mediumship it has made him think. He knew it was real, not fraud>)

I am serious about him being a genius by the way. He attend a gifted school. Anyway, i told him that this must make his life difficult. He was pleased that i understood this. We all know that if you are really unintelligent your life is going to be hard and you will need help. What most people don't realise is that above average intelligence people also have problems in life-loneliness being chief because it is difficult to communicate ideas etc when there are few at your level.

This young man gave me what I consider to be a real compliment. He said he thought I looked COOL!

DREAM

I have never shared this dream with a soul other than my therapist. I have never been able to figure out what it means. I think I have now. I am still nervous to share it. This gives an idea of just how vivid and scary this dream is, such that I am afraid to share it.

The dream takes various forms. Sometimes, I know I have not done anything, it just looks as if I have. In other dreams I am not sure if I have done it or not. I other dreams I think I have done it. I awake with such fear and lay there wondering if I did or didn't. Then I can shake it off but not to the extent that i feel comfortable telling the dream.

In the dream, a body is found buried in a house I used to live in. All evidence points to me being the murderer yet I know that I am not though I know I am going to get the blame and the punishment. In another version, I am not sure if I did or didn't and still another version, I think I did and will be caught and punished. as i said earlier, I awake and the dream is of such strength that it takes me a long time to convince myself that it is just a dream.

I think I may have finally figured out what this is. It isn't about 'killing' the real me off which I used to think it might me. It is about me feeling 'bad' at my core. i think this dream came again last night because of the self doubt caused by the bully at the pool. In the back of my mind has been the thought 'have I caused this?'.

Just when I think it's dealt with, this f**king abuse stuff just keeps right on digging at me. I KNOW I have not caused this behaviour from that ***** , of course I do. It just seems like a part of me is not convinced-still!

REST DAY

Toady I am doing nothing. I am very tired, rather sore, and don't feel like going swimming or anything else. Other than groom one of the dogs, I shall knit and watch dvds.

Pool Bully

I just got back from the pool, 40 minutes later than planned. Despite all that went before, the lifeguard's behaviour has not changed. I walked out to the poolside, with her watching me, and I stood by the stairs they put in for us with mobility problems. she didn't move. I had already said to the previous lifeguard, that if this happened, I wouldn't cause a scene, I would just throw my stick and keys to the wall so that I did not have to let go of the rail. This I did. This is when madam decided to get up off her arse. She sauntered across, put my stick and keys on the ledge, and sauntered back.

Later as I was changing, (different lifeguard when I got out, so was helped out), I knew I was going to have to speak to the manage again and I sent out a silent request that I be helped to keep my cool. As I walked out of the changing room, she was stood there along with a deputy manager. I took this opportunity to vent my anger. I did so with out swearing, which I am apt to do with really filthy words and expressions, and without foaming at the mouth. I just very firmly told her I was not going to tolerate her bullying and that whatever was wrong with her and her life should stay out of her work. That her bullying of me was either based upon homophobia or that she sees me as weak because I am physically less able than she. I told she had made a big mistake in whatever she thought because I was not going to meekly accept her despicable behaviour.

She stood looking shocked and as if butter wouldn't' melt and feigned hurt disbelief as if she didn't have a clue what I was on about. She denied refusing to help me.I called her a liar, which I was later told I ought not have done. My response to her manager when he said this, was that as she was lying thru her teeth and the adjective was appropriate.

They only see a smiling, jocular person, not this one. I was asked if I wanted tea or coffee and would I go and sit in the office and talk about it. I needed some persuading as I told them I did not feel at all confident it would do any good as everything I had done up till then hadn't worked.

Well, they listened and realised there was was a procedural problem. She could lie and there was no one but me to say so. So now, when I or another infirm person arrives, a phone call to poolside will be made to say that a person needing assistance will soon arrive. This way she cannot pretend to not see me. As to the problem of her not standing close enough when I get out, I can deal with that as I have done up till now and if she refuses, I will yell HELP really loudly. I have a feeling though that I might not need to.

I don't feel good about this at all. I'd rather it hadn't happened. I told the manager I was not after an apology or to be liked, just to be treated with respect. I would continue to treat her as I always have done, with a smile and good morning and thank you. I expect her to do the same.

Lay In Day

ON DOGS

I was really touched yesterday. I received a Congratulations card from long term friends for Whitney's success at gaining her Junior Warrant.

The puppies are eating well and becoming more active and more individual. I have them whittled down to four possible keepers. One definite, with the other 3 looking promising. This is a very nice litter all thru.

ON SPIRITUAL MATTERS

I think that what we believe about babies is of utmost importance. If we believe they are evil and must be taught to be good, we have the problems in the world that we have. It also means we can spend a lifetime trying to be good and never succeeding because we will not shake the feeling of our innate badness. A situation without hope. It also leaves us open to being corrupted by religious fanatics, who will use our feeling of innate badness to con us into following their wicked ideas with the promise of 'salvation' from our wickedness. Not being aware that their ideas is what set us up in the first place. The concept of Original Sin is evil in it's effects and whilst I do not hold the bible as being authoritative, this concept is not even a biblical one (neither is the rapture).

On the other hand if we believe we are at core, good, then we start from a hopeful solid foundation and we can then be guided in such a way as to allow our fullest development without the fear of our innate badness ruining it all.

We are less likely to abuse children if we believe in our innate goodness rather than our innate badness.

ON DREAMING

I had strange dreams as usual. One very clear dream was about taking a service. It was really logical and straightforward. I was doing a demonstration and it was working out well. At the end of this dream, the woman who was the recipient of a message said her sons' office was at or near The Arena (London). That was really clear. I have no idea what that could be about, if it is about anything.

I also dreamt about my old London craft market. I had a very successful outlet there for my knitwear. I still feel it's loss. Or at least according to my dreams I do. I dream of it every now and then and it is definitely a loss dream. I ma not sure if I feel the loss of the market or my ability to physically do the work. Both I think. It did give me my own income. Plus I really enjoy designing and knitting on machines. I can't do that much now. Oh I still do it but it takes me quite a while to make a sweater on the machine now as I physically find it exhausting.

ON MY BODY

Thursday has become the day I lay in. I still wake up for 5am but I go back to sleep. Today I got up at 7.30am. I slept better last night. I was very tired and weak. Yesterday was one of those days where I didn't hurt so much but felt weak. Today I have woken with pain from my middle downwards but I am waiting to see if it wears off on it's own before I take the pills.

I shall go for my swim at 2pm. It is nice and quiet then. This is the only such adult session in the arvo during the week.

Self As God

To me atheism and fundamentalism are just as rigid as each other as viewpoints. They both believe their idea is absolutely correct. The major difference is that religious fundamentalism has evil results. Whilst they do not see it, (how could they when they are never wrong?) they spread evil like a cancer that destroys lives. Their faith is a lie. A big fat lie. A lie that kills. What is the lie? That they have total faith in god. No they do not. They have faith in one being and one being only: themselves. They have total unwavering faith in their own judgement. And they certainly like everyone else to know what their judgement is. There judgement is rarely good. The judgement they like above all else is righteousness. Their own. Their own unwavering belief that they are right. This belief has caused untold misery throughout the history of our world. People who believe they know what is right are dangerous. (It is not just religious fundies who believe in their own rightness, of course, but they far outnumber any other type.)

An example of the arrogance of such people can be found here (ATHIEST CENTRAL). Just a brief reading of his views reveals the evil inherent in his standpoint. In case you cannot stomach reading enough, know that he does not believe in a loving god. Not my judgement but his words state so. Unlike him, I do not believe this man is evil, just what he gives out. (I don't believe in the innate evil of anyone.)

A religious fundy here came to prominence because of her wickedness, in my opinion. Her name is Ann (e?) Atknis. She was a newspaper agony aunt. A woman had written in to her for help and guidance with her grief. Her female lover of a lifetime had died and she was bereft. Did Ms Atkins offer any thing that was good and kind or compassionate? No. She offered only condemnation, judgement and wickedness. For this, she was rewarded with fame and fortune. What a sick world.

Atheists say there is no God. They cannot know this and they too have faith only in their own judgement. It would be more honest to say that one does not have any evidence so far that there is a god but I cannot categorically say there is not one.

One of the things that atheist say is that just because we don't understand something, is no reason to go an invent a god, a creator. They say it doesn't answer anything and indeed only creates more confusion and another question: who created god? True.

BUT WHAT CAUSED THE BIG BANG? AND WHAT CAUSED THAT CAUSE?

Isn't that exactly the same problem?

(Literalists(religious fundies) believe a man lived inside a whale. Oh the temptation to be rude is immense.)

Good News

No I haven't been saved.

JOHN

John is very happy and so am I. His work has finally seen sense and got him back doing what he is world renowned for in his field-writing and researching. He is now in charge of the 300 yr celebration in 2017. I am so pleased for him. He has been treated badly for a number of years and turned into a PR man which whilst he is good at that, it is not his forte. History, archiving and academia is his calling. He gets a new office, keeps his PA and now has no one under him. He is relieved about that.

POOL

On Saturday, when I arrived at the pool side, I asked X for his assistance. The bully woman heard me and she stood between me and X and asked him to do something for her. X told her that he would when he had finished assisting me. I was impressed by X. I was also wondering if I was being paranoid. Decided I was not, and I told the duty manager on the way out, but I told him I would just tell him what happened and leave the interpretation to him. Well, X backed me up! he independently told the DM what had happened.

I am so relieved that other staff here are backing me. They know it is true. I struggled with this for months, in light of what happened at the previous pool. I was really worried that it would seem like I was the instigator as this was just a repeat of the other pool. I even doubted myself. Then I realised that I was indeed an easy target for bullies because of my rather obvious vulnerability. The mistake this bully made was assuming I was weak just because I am physically handicapped.

Every morning, I greet the staff with a smile, always willing to chat, am courteous and friendly. This has stood me in good stead because it is obvious to everyone there that I am not deserving of the maltreatment by this person.

SOCKS

Well, they are going well. Up the legs on both socks now and no errors. Hopefully they will soon be finished. I have been itching to start another pair but have controlled my urges.

SLEEP

Not so good news. Despite taking the drugs at night, I am not getting much sleep before pain wakes. It seems to bother me more at night now than during the day. Not just my ribs but my hips and legs too. Last night and Sunday night were bad. I manage to sleep 4 hours if I am lucky. I think I need to take the drugs when I put my book down to sleep, instead of when I go to bed, though that would only give me another half hour. No matter how good the book is, I just can't read that long before I nod off. (I am still reading The Gargoyle and am more impressed with it as I get further into it. It is a remarkable work.) It has crossed my mind to keep drugs by the bed and take them when I wake but I worry that is dangerous as I am only supposed to take them every 6 hours and when I wake I am often only partly awake and I could take them in error, or after only 4 hours. Besides, they then take an hour to work so would it help anyway? I seem to do better if I sleep sitting up but that is really a pain to do unless I up and sleep on the recliner.

Any ideas?

ABUSE BOOKS

Someone told they were reading one of these misery books - people relating their abusive childhoods. I have serious misgivings about these books and their popularity to the extent they now merit their own section in book shops.

Anyway, she was saying that she found the book hard to believe and asked me what I thought. (She doesn't know about my past.) Her main doubt was caused by her not understanding how a child can withstand such things. She could not imagine a child being able to survive it, so she doubted the truth of it. I told her that children are remarkable and that we can shut off or block out or disappear or whatever it is we do. That is how we survive it. I told her that as it nearly killed me when I finally did feel it as a fully grown man in his late 40's, I truly understand whey a child has no choice but shut down. It is a survival mechanism and one which serves the human race well. How does one think that children in Gaza or Iraq or Rwanda cope? They shut down. They have to or they die or go insane.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

WHITNEY

At yesterday's show,Whitney won the final two points she needed to gain her Junior Warrant. The letters JW now go after her name. To gain this award she had to amass 25 points. A first at a championship show is worth 3 points and a first at an open show is worth 1. Three points must come from both types of shows. Whitney gained 24points at Championship shows and 3 at Open level.

THE SHOW

Yesterday's show was a disaster. The judge is a well known Poodle and Yankee exhibitor. Both those breeds are very flashy, and are moved fast and hard. He chose to make us do the same. Completely inappropriate for our breed, not to say difficult for many exhibitors, not just me. Whitney was entered in 4 classes (because I was after those points). In the first class she was made to move 5 times. In the subsequent 3 classes, she was also made to move at least 3 times in each class. Now this means a complete lap of the ring and then across and back. Not only was this very hard on me, but made the judge look incompetent. Could he not tell how the dog moved on the first lap? It also seemed that he was not looking for a good Lhasa Apso but a glamorous flashy show dog. They are not the same thing at all. I breed for the good Lhasa Apso with the attributes need for life 16000 feet above sea level in Tibet. I don't want a generic show dog.

One of my fellow exhibitors is successful and a championship show judge of our breed. I have found her behaviour when she loses to be appalling. She goes red in the face, looks as if she will cry and she stomps out of the ring. She is a large woman so this is unmissable. She also is rather rude in that sometimes she will greet you at a show but most times she will look away and ignore you. Yesterday, I discovered that she is truly without ethics and will do whatever she will to win. She did what she could to upset my dog and me. She was behind me, and moved much faster than I was able to without suffering or losing my balance. I just managed to not let her run me down. I will NEVER allow this to happen again, in that I shall make sure she is not near me in the ring. I do not feel inclined to continue to acknowledge her regardless of her response, as I have been doing, out of politeness. I try not to let the behaviour of others alter mine, but right now I just don't feel like sticking to that rule! You know, it is one thing to try and disrupt a fellow exhibitor but to do so to an infirm one is quite frankly astonishing. Considering my past, I ought not to be shocked by the behaviour of people but I am. I can't believe this person is like that especially when her job is caring for others !!!!


POOL

I do not know what has happened but I do know the lifeguard in question was seen by the manager today. I also know I have been backed up by at least one member of the lifeguard team.


PRESIDENT OBAMA

I have just been listening to him give an address to the USA ( and the rest of us really). It is pleasure to experience listening to a man in his position and not feel like one is being bamboozled and screwed. Truly, I have never before felt trust for a politician. Trust is a huge thing for me and I do so hope I am not being fooled. With Bush there was no doubt.


SOCKS

Sigh. These blasted socks, I am really fed up with them. I like the colour and the pattern but I am just fed up with them now. For some reason I have made several mistakes whilst knitting them. I knit the first on up to the heel turn, did the heel turn. That was the first error. I used my Mach 1 heel when the math was for the Mach 2. I then knitted the second sock a whole 60 rounds longer before I did the heel turn! I must have been knitting like a tit in a trance to have not noticed. So I frogged it back and did it right until the heel turn. I did the Mach 1 heel. So then I had to frog both socks back to heel turn and do the correct Mach 2 heel. This is where I am with them now, just starting to knit up the legs. Two weeks of work and not done yet. Arrggh!

Whitney and I at LAC Open Show

The bottom picture is so you can see the waistcoat and tie match my boots! I didn't realise I was so grey!

27 Days (Shameless x William)

Female 1

Female 2

Female 3

Male 1

Male 2

Male 3

Male 4

25 Days

This is Micah, proud Granddad!
They are just beginning to be interested in food and Mum is beginning to get the hump with them. I think these will eating well in another couple of days and Mum will start to stay away from them for long periods. Fortunately she eats really well so is not skinny and only her swinging tits give away that she has puppies.

Ministering

Last night I went to minister in Bedford. I have not been to this church before. The atmosphere was conducive to my work, the people being open and receptive. That makes all the difference. Occasionally one goes to a church and is confronted with the Tories (Republicans) at prayer and one knows it just isn't going to go well at all. I know last night went well for them too because as I left I was given two more appointments for next year.


Pool

I wrote a letter to the manager concerning the hassle with that one life guard. I handed it in yesterday when I went for my swim.

I did not get up early for my swim today as I was tired after working last night. I may go at lunch time though I think I probably will have the day off today. I feel quite sore having had a rough night with my ribcage spasming. When this happens, I get the horseshoe pillow and lay back on that but laying in a half sitting position to sleep is not a great way for me to feel rested.
The weight I put on over the period that the pool was shut is almost off now. I was shocked to discover that not swimming would cause so much weight gain so quickly. Thank fully, I was not entirely without a pool to swim in but not daily and then not at all for almost 2 weeks. I realise the weight gain does not happen when we are away because of stress and the fact Ii try to walk as much as I can as i feel uncomfortable having to pushed in the w/chair by John, who says it isn't an issue for him and is not difficult.

As I write this, the more I think today should be a day of rest.

Hitting The Road

You wouldn't believe how much planning a trip takes. Though you probably would. It's just me that thinks it ought to be easy. I spent many hours with the GPS mapping thing on my pc working out the route from Calais in France (where the tunnel comes out from England) to Budapest in Hungary. 1100 miles.

1. 21st Luxembourg (428miles)
   
2. 22nd Stuttgart, Germany (196miles)
   
3. 23rd Salzburg, Austria (230miles)
   
4. 24th Budapest (338miles)
5. Four night stay (no driving)
   
6. 29th Salzburg, Austria (338miles)
   
7. 30th Salzburg, Austria (no driving)
   
8. 31st Heidelberg, Germany (325miles)
   
9. 1st Heidelberg, Germany (no driving)
   
10. 2nd Calais, France (416miles)
    
11. 3rd Calais, France (no driving)
    
12. 4th Home (160miles)

I am excited about the trip. It includes two places, other than Budapest, that I have not been to before: Stuttgart and Salzburg, though I doubt we will see much of Stuttgart. It will be our most challenging trip I think because Hungary has a unique language which is very difficult to speak and it seems form the info I have read, few speak any other language.

Food appears to not be a problem either, with plenty of fish/meat/fowl and vegetable dishes. I won't have a whole load of high wheat / carb meals to choose from. It can be very hard at times to find food that is not gluten/grain laden so it is good to know that it won't be there.

This will probably be the only trip this year. My dog show calender is very full this year with only a couple that I will not attend. I doubt we will go away Xmas time as I may have puppies again then, depending on what I do with the present litter.

Thanks Grump

Aran Knitting

First of all, I want to thank GRUMPERINA for showing her technique for cabling without a needle. (When you click on her name you will go to a page and you must click on the left on 'cabling without a needle). This method has really helped me to knit my Aran sweater as it is far less taxing to my hands. You might recall me saying that is taking so long because it is painful to. It is the centre panel that is the pain, rather than the whole sweater. Anyway, this has helped greatly.

The Pool

Oh dear, I have a situation at the pool. No not like the other pool, as all the staff at this new one are excellent, friendly and helpful. Except for one. She use dot be okay and then suddenly wasn't. She acknowledging my presence, looking away and pretending she hadn't heard me. She stopped coming to help me into the pool. It only requires that she take my stick off me at the pool edge. If I go to the pool without the stick I am liable to fall over. I let this one go and took the risk. Then she started to ignore me when I needed to get out. Now this is much more serious as after my swim I am much less able to walk or to move. ALL the other staff wait on the right hand side with my stick till I get up the stairs they put in for me. They give me my stick whilst I am still on the top step because that way I don't have to turn and I also am not left without support for second. Not this woman. She stands as far from me as possible, and on my left. I have to ask her to move closer.

After tolerating this for some weeks, and still being polite and friendly toward her, Ii complained. It made her worse. Today I decided I had had enough of her bullying. Yes, it is bullying, passive aggressive but bullying just the same. There is no reason for it. I have not done anything to warrant this change of attitude. In fact other customers and staff really dislike her and say she has been 'like that' for years. In other words the management allow her to get away with it.

Today I told her what I thought of her appalling behaviour and I complained again. I am now going to put it in writing and hand it to her boss tomorrow morning. I will not put up with this crap and something needs to be done.

A while ago, I comforted her when she was in tears and listened to her moan about how badly she was treated there. I know different now. It doesn't make any sense to me that she has turned on me.Perhaps she saw me as the weakest and least likely to make a fuss.

I realise she is in much pain but do not know why. Even so, she does not have the right to take her problems to work and certainly not to take them out on me or others.

The reason why this is not like the other pool is that the whole ethos at this one is different. The other staff are supportive of me, are good at their jobs, know what sort of person I am and now that it is her and not me. They experience her shit on a daily basis. It does concern me though that this has been allowed to go on this long as it is apparent she treats staff the same way and other clients too.

Life Is Too Short

It has taken me a year to assimilate what happened at the end of 07, the grief and the realisation that there was something wrong with those who abused me and I was not abused because there was something wrong with me.

Recently, I have come to realise that I have people in my life who are not respectful of me and who I am too afraid to speak my mind to. Once I realised this, I decided enough was enough. I don't need those sort of people in my life. If I speak my mind and they don't like it, then bye bye.

Today I had a phone call from someone who many times has left me feeling enraged and impotent. Not today. This person is very intelligent, is a retired MD and holds very strong views. In fact she is a bully. If you don't agree with her she mocks, sneers, laughs at you and otherwise informs you how deluded you are.

I didn't accept it today. I told her what I thought of her and her arrogance and bullying tactics, how I was not going to accept this, and that I thought differently to her and had no wish to further the conversation. I hung up. I was shaking but boy it felt good!

I have another friend who also thinks she is always right. Always. And has made comments that suggest she certainly has no respect for me or my knowledge or anything really.I once recommended an antihistamine to her for her dog that will not eat. The drug is non prescription and it makes the dog hungry and within an hour or so of having the drug will stuff itself. A while later, I was at her home and so was another breeder who she clearly holds in high esteem. She asked this man, in front of me, if he had heard of this drug and had he used it and did it do what she had been told. I kept my mouth shut but I have not forgotten. This is another person I can't say what I think to because they are never ever wrong about anything and know all there is to know. When it is like this, one doesn't even know in the end if you like them or not. She makes me feel bad about myself too often. Other times she is a good laugh. I don't bother talking dogs with her cos her opinion is the only one that counts even when the science says otherwise. Laws of genetics don't know better than she does.

I can't believe that I am my age and only just learning what others learned very much younger. I have been led up the garden path so many times because I always deferred to others. I was sold dogs not fit for purpose, and I knew it, but was too insecure to trust myself.

And I have kept quiet out of fear. Fear of what exactly I don't know but when one believes deep down that one is defective, it's easy to do.

NO MORE.

Buda And Pest It is

BARCELONA

I have a spent quite a bit of time over the last week trying to organize a driving trip to Barcelona. I was thwarted at every step. Hotels are not cheap. Those that had parking wanted £25 a day! They were up to 8 miles away from where we wanted to be. In town apartments/hotels had no parking at all. I wrote to two apartment agencies explaining my needs and both wrote back with unsuitable apartments. They seemed to think that 200 metres away for the £25 a day car park would not be a problem to a person who uses a wheelchair and has difficulty walking. They also didn't think that having to climb just one flight of stairs would be a problem.

I came to the conclusion that Barcelona, like Paris, is not accessible.

BUDAPEST

SO...Budapest is where we will drive to. It is meant to be. It all just fell into place. I mentioned it to Jane in Eindhoven, Holland because I knew she and her hubby had been there. She told me that they had stayed in a Best western there. well, I went and the first BW hotel I clicked on was bang in the middle of everything we want to see and it was cheap and what is more parking is free and right outside hotel because of my Blue Badge!

I booked the hotel, paid for the Chunnel tickets and will travel on 21st March and back on 4th April.

On the way there we will possibly stop to visit with Lia and Lui in Germany. The trip to Budapest takes us thru Austria and Slovakia. On the way back we can go via Slovakia, Czech republic, Poland and what was East Germany and then on to Calais. Or we will come back via a stay in Bratislava(Slovakia) and Prague (Czech Rep. This is going to be a good trip and longest we have taken for years.

PUPS

The puppies are fat things and very quiet, which means all is well and they are happy-meaning well fed.

FATIGUE

Yesterday, I went for my swim which was easy and then the rest of the day was relatively pain free, movement was easier and I did not take effort to get out of a chair. I slept well and went to the pool today. As soon as I got in and swam, I knew today was going to be hard. I couldn't complete my laps as I was too weak. I lost my balance twice whilst preparing to come home. My hands as I type feel very heavy and my fingers don't care much for ding this typing. So I shall be off to bed soon. I am still not that sore, just feel very weak and lifting my arm or leg or walking just feels too much. Weird. To be frank, I find pain much easier to deal with than this fatigue. Pain doesn't usually stop me but fatigue dose. Other than that, I am in good spirits.

Good Day at Manchester

Whitney won her Junior class today. That is 3 firsts out of 4 Junior classes so far, 8 firsts altogether. (edit; Even tho it looks nice in the pic, it was very wet and blowing a gale when I arrived at 6.30am. Got rather wet)


The puppies have had to be moved out of the whelping box because they can already climb out at 20 days. Once again, this a picture waiting to be taken. I keep the camera close to them now.

And this is one of the Amaryllis that our friend Leive gave us. We do nothing to them, just water when we remember and look at what they do. The other one is red but has not bloomed yet.This plant was just a bulb still at Xmas.

Puppies again

I just thought they looked really cute like this so I grabbed the camera.

Privelige

When I first started to write on the is blog, I didn't know what for. Then I started to write about myself and how I felt and that helped me. I did find it scary and had sleepless nights wondering if I was doing the right thing. Emails such as the one below tell me I am. It also tells me how lucky I am to be able to do this. I get an enormous amount out of writing for myself. The fact it also helps others is the icing on the cake and I am very grateful for that and feel privileged to be in such a position.(permission was given by the author to quote as long as I do not identify.)

Colin, there is so much i want to share with you. If it gets too much for you, would you promise you would say?  If you would rather i didnt, then its ok, just i want you to know that it is now twice i have turned to your blog when i felt that i was at the bottom of a very dark pitt, and your writings shone a light for me. It gives me hope, you see, that there is a way out. I know you'll never be free of the pain, but it gives me hope when i had all but lost it. I am so sorry you went through this, but i thank you for having the courage to share. Your light gives those of us on the same path, but further behind, something to look to. You give the greatest gift colin, hope. For that, i thank you. From the bottom of my heart. 

16 days

Sixteen days old. Eyes open. Mum and the pups were wormed yesterday and were NOT happy with me at all.

Guess who?

Someone suggested that this is a younger version of my John. All I will say is the man shown in this video was 60.5yrs old at the time.

Listen To Your Body Talk (but let's not get physical)

(I added a picture of me aged 10 to previous post)

Although I didn't want to get up when the alarm went off at 5.25am, I did. I was later than usual going to bed because I got involved in a 'phone conversation and then I read.

I am reading The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson. It is excellent and quite different to anything else I have read. The writing reminds me of the quality of The Lovely Bones (now a film) by Alice Seebold. I am surprised I have continued to read as it has very details of what happens to burn victims. I have a horror of burning. From the very first time I saw a scene of people being burned at the stake, it filled me with such dread I can't describe it. It makes my throat constrict and the horror of it is almost overwhelming. I cannot imagine a worse thing to do to another human being. And most of it was done in the name of God. And there are morons who believe that those who don't believe as they do will burn for eternity. This is simply wicked and how anybody can be so sick as to believe this is beyond me. Never mind the sheer stupidity of such a belief. WHAT WILL BURN? We won't have any bodies! MORONS.

Whoops! Getting slightly off track there. Back to swimming. I had a good swim. I did 64 laps with no trouble. I am learning to take note of what my body is telling me. It is not as easy as one might think. I hurt all the time no matter what I do. Not as awful as it sounds, it is surprising what one gets used to. Anyway, because of the constant hurting, it isn't always easy to know when my body is telling me to STOP. When I first start it hurts more than it did before I started. As I swim, it gets easier and then there is a period where it is completely fine, just aching. Then the aching gets worse, tiredness sets in,and sharper pain returns. When this happens varies. Very occasionally, it happens str8 away and doesn't wear off after a few laps and on those days I have to stop. Sometimes it isn't pain that stops me but fatigue. I just can't do the movements required. Today, I paid particular attention to how my body felt because I need to learn when to stop and when to push. If I don't stop when I need to, I make matters worse which carries on into my day and the next day too until I can't do anything. If I don't do enough, I get stiff. Today, I noted that towards the time for stopping, my arms would not lift as far out of the water when I did my freestyle strokes. ( I do one freestyle lap to every four of breaststroke). Then I noted that my hips and legs were becoming more audible to my pain sense. However, not so bad that I really felt I couldn't go on. I determined that I would stop at 64 laps which was BEFORE I knackered myself. This is important for me to learn because I tend to find it very hard to know when I am being lazy and when I NEED to stop. I argue with myself constantly about how many laps I will do. I usually insist on the full 64 no matter what. This is unrealistic and it causes me more problems. So now, I am going to try to do the number of laps my body is telling me is okay, and not force myself to over do things.

Today is one of those days one could almost believe one has been miraculously cured. I am moving freely and have much less pain. I am only aware of my hands and my hips. Who knows why I have times like this. When pain becomes a constant companion it becomes difficult to quantify it. John and my close friends, just on the phone, can often tell when I am in pain and need to take drugs, whilst I am not aware at all. I am so used to it that even though it is making me bad tempered, pale and it shows on my face, I don't always realise it.

I am going to try and get puppy pictures later. Their eyes have opened.

Constant Craving

(aged about 10. As you can see I was not a fat child)
I was about seven when I first discovered the sedative affect of food, as far as I recall. Not any food, but sugar and starch. Bowls of cereal with heaps of sugar would stop me feeling. That is what I wanted. I was not aware of that at the time. All I knew was that by stuffing my face with these types of food, I felt better. To feel numb was better. To feel good was to feel nothing and that was to remain my definition of feeling good for most of my life. The possibility of feeling happy didn't occur to me.

I have little in the way of memory from this period. I know that i witnessed the death of my friend. I am told there was confusion over who had been killed, him or me. Since I was told all of this by my mother, I do not know what is true and what isn't. I have my own memory of seeing his face on the front of the newspaper under the headline THE BOY WHO DIED OF HATE and my mother showing it to me and asking who it was. My reply was 'me'. I do recall that but I do not recall the boy nor do I recall his death or anything else.

I also tried to kill myself at around this age. I was sexually precocious but do not know why. I am told this wasn't normal. I have no recollection of anything untoward from that time. I do know that I had a terrible experience, for me, when I turned up at school for the start of a new year to discover my teacher was a man. I hated school from that day. It had never occurred to me that teachers could be men. I do not know why I was frightened of men.

I liked where we lived, it was country, and I loved to play out in the fields and go on adventures and climb trees. I remember these days clearly, the sun and the fields. I also remember the menace in the background but I don't know what that was. I was afraid under it all but don't know why.

I was very fond of the adults around me, neighbours. I barely recall my own parents at this time, or my two brothers. I was especially fond of Mr and Mrs R. I was heartbroken with loss when we left them to live in Germany for a second time. My mum, who for once saw my sadness, told me they would all be there when we returned. she had lied. When we returned they were mostly gone and when i saw Mr and Mrs R, Mrs R had a huge belly. I knew then there was no possibility they would want me and keep me. We left then and went to Singapore.

My memories of Singapore are a mixture of fascination, excitement, grief and loss and above all fear. I dealt with all this by eating. I was not a fat child. I also played a lot. I resorted to food to keep myself medicated. It was here I was first accosted and sexually molested. It was here I learned with no doubt that my parents did not love me. My father's disgust of me, which I already knew was there, developed into violence. He nearly killed me more than once in his rage. My mum did not stop him. I knew I was on my own. I knew I was abandoned. I knew above all that I was worthless and destined for eternity in Hell. I wet the bed. I had nightmares. I was terrified. I ate to numb myself. It worked. I had no need to stop. It was also here that i started to strive to be loveable, or even likeable, something to keep me safe.

Then we left there for Australia and here is where my eating really took off. It was hell on earth for me. Within a week or so of being there, I had been taken under the wing of a teacher. He happened to be a child pornographer. I was bullied mercilessly at school. I was called queer and poof and pansy. I was spat upon, pushed, kicked, taunted each and every day of school life there. My nick name at school was 'shit'. I got more of the same at home but in a different why, apart form Dad's violence. His violence was worse. No one in my family was on my side. My elder brother fled back to England on his own. He denies this had anything to do with the violence at home. My younger brother started telling how I was possessed by demons and how his friends could help me. The Jehovah's Witnesses. My brother from here on played a big part in fear and self hatred along with religion. He wonders why I was violent toward him, which of course he holds me accountable for, yet denies any responsibility at all for anything himself, including his silence when I was locked up in a mental hospital. Even then he refused to tell the truth. Almost 20 years later, he did to me, but now denies it again. I have written words from him, snail mail, that show he thought differently at one time. It matters not now. I am free and they are still bound by the lies.

Meanwhile my self hatred grew, my fear grew, and my body grew. The amount I ate grew.

Then a few months before I was 16, my anorexia nervosa started. This is precisely how:

I went on a diet. No trouble at first. I found it easy. One day, one of the boys at school who bullied me, noticed and said something nice!!!!!! That was the precise moment I became anorexic. That was the moment I realised that if I was thin, I would be liked. If I was thin, I would be safe. If I was thin, my dad would find me acceptable. If I was thin, even God would love me and I would not go to Hell. If I was thin, then everything would be perfect and I would be safe. I stopped eating. It wasn't noticed at home of course. They noticed nothing. Not even when I used to cut myself. I still have the scars today at 50 years old. No one saw them fresh though. I gave up doing that, it hurt and was pointless. It did make me feel real for a while though, to see blood coming from me. It showed me I was real.

So this was the start of my love hate relationship with food. I stopped eating. I really believed I could live and not eat. I went one whole day without food. i binged and I felt so ashamed I vowed not to eat again. I went two days without food. The same thing happened. I felt deep shame. I went 3, 4, 5 days without food, I binged, i felt shame, I hate myself, I wanted to die. My whole life became about not eating and hating myself for giving in and eating. I couldn't just eat an apple or a piece of chicken. No, I ate a whole of bread, a packet of biscuits, a whole cake, crackers, ice cream, chocolate. Then I felt like I would die through bursting. However, the food worked and I felt numb and I then just read books, feeling nothing. Sleep, like a drunken stupor, would come upon me and I had what i wanted-oblivion. I'd wake up full of self loathing and disgust and FEAR. Fear never left me.

I soon learned to purge. Vomiting was not easy for me so I had to find another way. I discovered laxatives. I took 30 Nylax at a time when I binged. I could not aford to get fat. I had to be thin. to be thin meant I was a real man. Ii'd have that flat stomach. My dad would see me as a man and not something he was deeply ashamed of. The others would stop bullying me. They would accept me. I had to thin no matter what. I was weak willed, I had to learn not to eat. So the cycle of not eating for days on end and then binging and purging. It was indescribably bleak and terrible and my suffering was huge but I had tremendous will and I kept this up for many years. (yes I saw myself as weak but now see how strong my will was! Yet I think it is only fear that makes me appear strong).

I became terribly afraid of food. I had to thin if I wanted to be loved. The only way I could feel good was to starve myself. I did actually feel GOOD not numb when I was starving. Yet it was always spoiled by the need to eat eventually and the pain and shame was overwhelming.

I killed myself. Something like 18 hours after I did what I did , I was taken to hospital. I meant what I did. I wanted death. I had come to the conclusion that Hell could not be worse than my life had already been. The Devil I did not know was much better than the Devil I did.

I had od'd. I took hundreds of pills. I knew I would not be found or disturbed until the morning, by which time I would be free. The morning came and my mum could not wake me. She went to work. A work colleague asked her what was wrong and she said she hadn't been able to wake me. The work colleague called the ambulance! All my mother and father could thing of when I was aroused and committed, as the shame I had brought upon them. People knew their perfect loving family wasn't. Their fantasy did remain intact. My brothers kept quite. Everyone played their role of nice loving people, so sad they have a lunatic son.

It has taken many many years of suffering and learning and searching to be who I am today. Free and happy and content. Food is still an issue. I have not finished writing about food but this is more than enough for now. How I came to understand myself, my issues with food, and how I now live with it is there waiting to be told when I can.

Aura Socks

I used Regia Design Line by Kaffe Fasset, no. 4451. I used KnitPicks 2.25mm circular needles. I knitted both simultaneously using the Andersson Toe Up Construction Method.



These are my new Docs.

TOP PUPPY 2008

Whitney has won the Our Dogs Top Puppy in Breed competition for 2008.

12 Days

Not a care in the world.

Just a Quicky

Don't ever think that leaving comments are a waste of time or that what you have to say is unimportant. I am often moved by them and sometimes a comment just gives me a much needed lift at the right time or the right thought or just the right words for me at that time.

Thank you to those who do leave comments and thereby add to my life.

Still Cold

The pool was 1.5c warmer today and I managed 40 laps before I seized up. I am still cold and am soon going back to bed. I found yesterday after sleeping I warmed up.

I am on the home stretch of both Regia Kaffe socks so may well blog them later today. I think my next pair will be plain coloured and textured. Pink colour I think.

I may go to my Spiritualist meeting tonight. The demonstrator is a woman named Angie Morris and she is good. No bullshit from her.(edit: it will be me tonight. I will do the talk and a young woman I had do the dem last month will do so again tonight. Joanna is excellent.)

Strange how we tend to think of Fundamentalists as just being Muslim when Israel is based upon fundamentalist Biblical belief and is the reason for the killing. We have fundamentalist Xtians, one of whom has been in power in the USA for the last 8 years and who believes in helping Armageddon along and doing nothing to protect our planet. We have fundamentalist Hindus. Even fundamentalist Buddhists! Why are we so selective in our recognizing of evil?

Tomorrow is Fred's funeral. Both John and I are to attend. Trish came around yesterday with her sister Janet to see the puppies. Trish gave me a red tie with hats all over it which was Fred's and also another of his for John. I was really touched by this and I shall wear mine tomorrow. I told Trish that maybe the other tie would be too loud for John.

Brrr!!! It's Freezing

As I suggested to John after our wet and cool summer, we are having a very cold winter. It has been around 0c for ages and is dropping to as low as -12c at night. I think the cold will last a long time yet, even if this goes it will come back before we see Spring.

I was finally able to go back to my normal pool today. They have been closed nigh on 5 weeks and had a new heating system put in at a cost of £100,000. Needles to say it has broken down. It was partially fixed yesterday so they said we could swim today. Well I went and the pool was only 26c which is cool to say the least. I have no idea why, but for me, even though I swam vigorously, I did not warm up but got colder. I only did half a mile and that was it, I was losing the ability to move. Now at home in my heated house I am still cold and typing this feels very odd as my hands are frozen along with my legs despite my layers and warmth. I have no idea why I get so cold. Perhaps its the drugs I take, maybe the one for blood pressure? The Atenolol which is a beta blocker? The aspirin? I don't know. I just know I am bloody cold and will go back to bed shortly.

The puppies and Shameless are doing very well at 9 days. Shameless is being a royal pain about eating. Refusing food and insisting on me trying to find somethig she will eat. No more. Today is the day I quit that. She isn't sick and she will eat eventually.

Have almost finished a new pair of socks in Regia Kaffe Fasset colour design line. Juts plain st st.

It amazes me how anyone can justify the bombing of children. It amazes me that anyone would believe that this will end the hatred. It amazes me how people take sides and don't see both sides are as wicked as each other. Nothing will change until they accept they are the same.

Dinner

Feeding time at the trough.

Shameless looking like the most patient mother in the world.

Oh My!

Thank you Knitman for putting my video up! It never amazes me how people form opinions about you but know nothing but what they happen to see (as In a short video) and try to figure out someones motivation. Well I'm a school bus driver in Los Angeles for special needs students so Empress of china is out. Gross is just someones opinion and if other peoples opinions bothered me that much I would propably just roll over and die. Alot of folks can't figure out why I do it and to me Its all about the beauty of the Its subjective true enough but my idea of beauty I think I can knit at a nice speed I'm not looking to break any world records but I do enjoy myself and relax and thats what knitting is all about. I love your blog,sock and those beautiful puppies. Knit On Ps I was on Knitty Gritty 3 times.

Now please go visit Yvonne's blog

Would You Rephrase That?

Yesterday we visited Dawn and Ron and we saw Boo and Moon, two of my girls that now live with them. (Boo was not named by me, I named her Shilpa.) Dawn and Ron were surprised to see us. I didn't tell them we would visit because I wasn't sure how I would feel after we did what we had to at my flat. I called her to tell her to put the kettle on just before we left for the 20 minute drive from my flat to her house.

I have had strange dreams again. Last night's was not pleasant and featured my mother. The first time she has featured in an unpleasant dream since I came to terms with her.

My mood has been volatile recently too. I think partly because of the lack of swimming. Actually, a big part is that. My usual pool was shut for a month. I did go to the other one but it is really primitive with crap facilities and the only way for me to get in the pool was to jump in and the only way out was to be hoisted out on a chair attached to a crane for this purpose. Not only does it rather draw attention to one's problems, but it feels precarious. Anyway, then this pool closed too! I will be back to my normal swimming routine tomorrow of Monday.

I am back to being very stiff so John has to help me dress and undress. On the drive yesterday we had to stop at the service station for food and drink. I went to the loo and found I could not stand up again. I pulled the emergency cord and a panicked looking woman came charging thru the door, as she had a key. I told her to calm and then said:

'Will you tell the man standing out there with a beard that he needs to come and pull me off.....'

Shameless and her puppies are doing well. Shameless is finally eating plenty. It is common for mums to go off eating when they are pregnant and also, strangely, after they give birth. This is when they really need food, especially with 7 puppies! So she has been tempted with all sorts of treats to not much success. Today I had great success with her ordinary Royal Canin (excellent food) with the broth left over after boiling up chicken and offal poured over it.

I have three dog shows this month, two next month, and then Cruft's in March and then it's soon really busy for dog shows for the rest of the year. John and I have to work out our diaries so we can go away at a time convenient for him work wise and a time when the judge is not a good one for me so missing the show won't matter. It won't be easy I think to arrange.

We want to go to Barcelona and also to Budapest. We can't do both. In order to do either we need 2 weeks as we will drive. yes it's much quicker to fly, we know and then we would only need a week. However, as we have to take a wheelchair
it is much easier to drive. It also gives us the freedom we need. Plus if I get bad, we just come home. All in all, it is much better to drive. Too tied otherwise.

We are still thinking about a cruise. John's concerned is that once we have left port it is too late if I find I can't handle it. Mine is being controlled. I am told that there are formal cruises with set dinner times and tables etc and then there are informal ones where you can do as you please and eat at your leisure and at your own table. I would detest being regimented. I think with a ship being so large, I will not feel hemmed in. Mmmm, really not sure. I like the idea very much but will the reality be enjoyable? It is a rather expensive trip if one ends up not enjoying it. If only I wasn't such a pain!

See You Later, Fred

Trish called to say that Fred had left his body. He had Motor Neurone Disease. It has been a terrible year for all concerned. Fred is now free of that body and his suffering is over.
His funeral is this Friday and Trish expects me to dress as eccentrically colourful as I normally do! Just as well as sombre is not my thing.
If anyone is thinking of donating to a charity, perhaps they could keep this awful disease in mind.

Puppies

Two and a half days.