Friday, January 30, 2009



Last night's service went very well. My talk flowed and the demonstration produced good evidence.
I had decided to really dress up for it, as if I were going to a dog show. It produced a lot of compliments so I knew I was not looking foolish but well turned out.

There was a genius in the audience. Seriously. A very pleasant young man who was a Heavy Metal fan by the look of his clothing. Anyway, we had a chat. He politely asked if he could explain the Big Bang theory to me. I said of course he could. He wanted to because I had said in my talk about how the proposition of God presents the question , which science objects to, of who made God? The Big Bang Theory presents the exact same problem. How did it happen? How did nothing nothing become this universe? So this young man explained it. He told that in the beginning there was just Hydrogen. then something happened and helium was formed. From this everything else slowly evolved. He was dead serious too. I told him that I knew this and that it did not answer the question. How the hydrogen get there? What caused the big Bang that started the ball rolling? How did all this come from nothing? He stated that the hydrogen, the beginning, WAS nothing. I said not it wasn't, it was something, it was hydrogen. How did it get there? How did it bang? You could see expression change a she thought about it. I think the poor man had not thought that far because he had been bamboozled by his science teachers in just the same way that many children are bamboozled by religious people. (Oh an dmost important he was so impressed with my demonstration of mediumship it has made him think. He knew it was real, not fraud>)

I am serious about him being a genius by the way. He attend a gifted school. Anyway, i told him that this must make his life difficult. He was pleased that i understood this. We all know that if you are really unintelligent your life is going to be hard and you will need help. What most people don't realise is that above average intelligence people also have problems in life-loneliness being chief because it is difficult to communicate ideas etc when there are few at your level.

This young man gave me what I consider to be a real compliment. He said he thought I looked COOL!


I have never shared this dream with a soul other than my therapist. I have never been able to figure out what it means. I think I have now. I am still nervous to share it. This gives an idea of just how vivid and scary this dream is, such that I am afraid to share it.

The dream takes various forms. Sometimes, I know I have not done anything, it just looks as if I have. In other dreams I am not sure if I have done it or not. I other dreams I think I have done it. I awake with such fear and lay there wondering if I did or didn't. Then I can shake it off but not to the extent that i feel comfortable telling the dream.

In the dream, a body is found buried in a house I used to live in. All evidence points to me being the murderer yet I know that I am not though I know I am going to get the blame and the punishment. In another version, I am not sure if I did or didn't and still another version, I think I did and will be caught and punished. as i said earlier, I awake and the dream is of such strength that it takes me a long time to convince myself that it is just a dream.

I think I may have finally figured out what this is. It isn't about 'killing' the real me off which I used to think it might me. It is about me feeling 'bad' at my core. i think this dream came again last night because of the self doubt caused by the bully at the pool. In the back of my mind has been the thought 'have I caused this?'.

Just when I think it's dealt with, this f**king abuse stuff just keeps right on digging at me. I KNOW I have not caused this behaviour from that ***** , of course I do. It just seems like a part of me is not convinced-still!


Toady I am doing nothing. I am very tired, rather sore, and don't feel like going swimming or anything else. Other than groom one of the dogs, I shall knit and watch dvds.


LizzieK8 said...

I have variations of the kind of dream. I always thought it was about me knowing I was different but couldn't get anyone to understand it, or if they did, and it proved I didn't do it, they didn't care.

And I think "they didn't care" is the part that always made it into a nightmare for me.

Nan said...

I, too, have been haunted by feelings of guilt when I knew that I was not guilty. I know the ball started rolling on that when I was 4 years old, but it took until I was an adult before I could recognize it and shout it down. It still pokes its head up and I have to clobber it again. Perhaps the best we can hope for is to be able to recognize it more quickly and then stomp it more quickly.

GJabouri said...

Some thoughts about your dream: I presume you probably keep a dream journal ... if not, start doing so and not only write down each dream, but also your reactions to it while you remember it. (When you go back to read it later, again write down your thoughts.)

Have you considered that the house, not just the body, might be representing your self? Does the body have a face? If so, is it you or someone else? Plus you say it's a house you USED TO live in, iow you are in a different place in your life right now. And in those cases where you feel that you are guilty, do you know why you murdered that person? ...

FuguesStateKnits said...

Wow - Colin, in reading the first three or four posts, I wonder, too, as apparently you do or did, if the body buried in the house where you used to live is the younger, more vulnerable you - the little boy/young man wishing to be free, to be loved. The guilt is about leaving him behind. I don't know, I keep thinking about John Bradshaw and that Inner Child work - maybe (i stress MAYbe) you need to embrace that more vulnerable part of yourself now that you are safe. No wonder you are frightened. That would be HUGE!
OK, only you know what this dream is about!

Unknown said...

First off let me say that I truly love your socks, you are quite the artist. Secondly let my say I love how you talked to the young inteligent man and he will remember you forever, well done.
I have to say that I've read your blog for some time but have been a little intimidated about makeing coments, it's not you I guess I've been somewhat shy. I love your babies they are truly beautiful. I always say that if animals love you then you must be a good person, I think they can read people better than anyone. I wish that you felt better more often and when your not just think about all of us out here who love you and want to hear about your daily life, wishing you well in our hearts and mind.