Thursday, December 03, 2009


I have a dog show entered on Saturday but I am not going. I really don't feel I can physically handle it. Not just the getting up at 2am. It will be the hanging around and the walking I have to do once there. Yes, I only have to walk a short distance for a short time, but it is too much for me right now. I seem to have to make enough effort for just daily living right now.

I have had time to think about recent developments and I feel rather differently than I did at first. Yes, when I first discovered John's secret, I was devastated. I really felt it as betrayal and that he therefore didn't love me. How could he if he lied to me?

I now think that was the way I was programmed to think and wasn't necessarily the best way or only way to think. I was brought up to distrust everyone. No one could be trusted. I knew that was true because the people who taught me not to trust anyone, my parents, were most untrustworthy. I may have not taken their teaching to distrust so well had they not proved themselves to be so untrustworthy.

I know John loves me. I don't doubt that. I know he didn't do what he did because he didn't care about me. I can see how it snowballed and got out of his control and he became more and more frightened of it and of telling me. So he buried his head in the sand. I know this is his tendency. I took ages to get him to take his COPD seriously. I no longer have to fight with him to get him to take his medication, though I do on occasion have to remind him!

I feel for him when I think about the dark cloud he has lived under all these years. That tempers my anger at him for doing this to us. Yes, to us, because he has been very difficult to live with at times and I knew something was wrong and he kept denying it. Now at least, he is beginning to lighten up. My fear of 'it' has gone because I now know what 'it' is. This cannot happen again. As regards all matters legal and financial, I am in charge. Even our Tax person, though John is her client, deals with me.

We were talking the other day about getting married. I said we would have to find out from the tax accountant which was the best course of action. Until he told me we had to because if he dies, the IRS will want their cut of what he leaves me. The house! No way. So marry we will. Much to my surprise, he would like me to add his surname to mine. I will, of course.

The thing is, we don't want a big do. Just want to go and sign the papers and that is that. However, a few of our friends, female, are wanting and expecting a 'proper do'. I don't mind them as witnesses, we have to have witnesses but I really don't want Matrons of Honour!

This last few days has been difficult pain wise. I have had to sleep sitting up three nights in a row because of intercostal spasms and my hands especially have been painful. I did swim Monday and Tuesday and I will today and tomorrow. Wednesday is my day in the week for not swimming.

Yesterday, I bathed two dogs. I also went into town on my own. I wanted some cards from a shop. I had bought some at the weekend. They have a Lhasa Apso puppy on the front. I wanted more. I went, hoping to park directly outside the shop but could not and had to park further away than I felt comfortable with. However, I wanted the cards so I did it. I walked slowly. I got my cards and walked back more slowly because now I was carrying stuff. At one point I lost my balance but did not fall. This sometimes makes me feel self conscious and I worry that people will think I am drunk! If they even notice anyway. Back at my car, I went to the passenger side first, sensibly, to put the shopping in.

As I was so doing, I dropped one of my sticks. Oh, bugger! Just then a man came up and picked up the stick for me. When I looked up, it was Simon who lives across the road. He and Libby recently got married. I was relieved I didn't have to try and get the stick myself.

I have made myself a cashmere scarf. I also started on a cashmere sweater on the machine. I gave up after almost completing a sleeve when I realised I had miscalculated. I will try again today maybe.
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