Tuesday, December 22, 2009

ONE HUNDRED

I have started to use Google Chrome as my browser. I am astonished at it's speed. Here I was thinking that Broadband wasn't so hot when all along it was the browser that was slow.


I took delivery today of 30 hanks of merino/bamboo, 30 of merino/cashmere/nylon, 20 of Super wash merino/nylon and 20 of Blue Faced Leicester/nylon. All sock weight. All my favourite yarn qualities.


Is it possible I might be thinking of selling my home dyes? Each unique since I can only dye one at a time. It was John's idea.


It is still very cold and last night we had more snow. About 8 inches now and it has stayed and now got hard and icy and dangerous. I didn't go swimming and will not tomorrow either as between the fog and ice and snow, it is too dodgy. What, I hear you ask, didn't the council salt and grit the pavements, the approach to the Leisure centre? Are you mad? Of course not! they wouldn't want to waste any money. Better that we break our legs.


So I am still indoors. John will be home tomorrow early afternoon so that is okay. Today, my dear friend Vanessa came to see me and I took the opportunity to go out to the PO as I needed to and now could with her to help me not fall. My sticks will not purchase on ice.


According to the weather people, we will not be having a white Xmas. I assume that means no fresh snow, not that there will not be any on the ground  as it doesn't look as if the temperature is going to go up and melt the snow we have. 


We still have not had the final reckoning regarding the tax situation and I doubt we will this year now. I hate having this hanging over us although we are still assured that the house is safe. I just want it to be over and done so we can move on.


Now, some distance from when I first discovered this situation, I can see that it wasn't as I thought it was and my relationship with John was not a sham. Not at all. He is nothing like my family. He is a good man. He has a failing, who doesn't, compounded by feeling unable to own up to it. That was all. It wasn't a deliberate act of betrayal, it didn't mean he was a fraud or that his love for me wasn't real. I reacted the way I did because of my family experience, not because of how things actually are today. My programmed reaction was natural for me, but not appropriate to the present. He is nothing like them and the situation was not brought about by a callous disregard for my welfare. 


It has done me a world of good actually. I have always felt unequal in our relationship. partly because jealous people have referred to me as being a kept man. This fed into my poor self image and I just felt it was true and I contributed little if anything. I now know that is not true. We are equal partners. I just bring a whole different set of abilities to the table . Without me, his life would go down the toilet. Finances are gobbledegook to him. It's not that he is careless or frivolous, or a spendthrift. He just doesn't understand it. In fact, I have to cajole him to spend money on himself. As a result, bills, the tax returns etc frighten him/. I understood that 11 years ago when I  took over the finances completely. I couldn't take over the tax thing because I didn't know I needed to. Now I have and I can see how much lighter he is. I still find it odd that such a powerful (in his field) and educated man can be so phased by math. I accept it though especially since I know he isn't the only one and it is a a fairly common failing according to our Tax accountant, especially with men in John's bracket.


So I more than pull my weight and have my fair share of responsibility. In fact probably more so since I have to make ALL the decisions. This really annoys me at times. Sometimes, I just want him to give me a yes or no answer not 'whatever'! really, it is I who decides where we go when we go away. It is I who arranges it all. He doesn't really want to know. He just wants it all taken care of and he goes along with it. Okay, so maybe that sounds good to anyone else as I get to do what I want to do most of the time. It doesn't always feel that way to me. Mind you, if he really doesn't want to do something, he does say so.


I think we were both very lucky that we met each other. It seems impossible that it was almost 29 years ago.
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