Changes

Unless one is survivor of abuse, it is very very difficult to appreciate just how it affects us. How pernicious and tendril like the affects are. It lasts a life time. It isn't something one 'gets over' or one can 'pull yourself together' about.

It takes time, much time, and it takes even more suffering. That is the real bummer about it. The recovery from it is so painful. Seems quite unjust but that is how it is and so one just has to get on with it. Not getting on with it is far worse.

I am constantly amazed by my journey, by my discoveries. I am affected, or have been, in ways I would not even have thought about. Oh, having OCD problems or addiction problems, or phobias etcetera are fairly obvious affects. It is the less obvious ones, those still there after one has dealt with the OCD, addictions and phobias. Those that hide themselves away in the corners from where they reek their havoc leaving one to suffer their affects but with no clue as to the cause.

Followers of my journey thru this blog will know that I had an emotional breakthrough in the autumn/winter of last year. I fell apart and got rid of grief I didn't know I was carrying and I learned even more about myself. Mainly that I was not treated badly because I was bad but because there was something wrong with those who treated me badly. It is obvious that this relisation and the expression of long held grief would have a good effect on me. Not so obvious on how it would.

Prior to this happening, whenever I went away I had problems. First, I would have a battle with myself about actually leaving my home to go away. I would balk at the last minute and have to be cajoled into leaving. Whilst away, I would not sleep at all well, lucky if I got 2 hours of disturbed sleep a night. I would also not be able to go to the toilet, thus getting backed up and suffering due to that. I still went away and I did many trips on my own. But they were very stressful. I put up with it and accepted I was that way.

Since my emotional clearout, I have not had these problems. I have been away 3 times. Each time I slept really well, 7-8hours of sound sleep. I have IBS and whilst that is not going to go away, it only alters a bit when I am away. I still evacuate daily, only with not much warning! Far better than being stopped up.

So this is a way that the abuse affected me that I would not have thought of and perhaps no one else has either. It seems clear to me that the way I was before-not sleeping and being very stressed and backed up, was a direct result of the abuse and the blocked up feelings about it.

Although not at all pleasant to deal with this stuff, when I am able to step back from it, and see it and the affects and changes and the victories, I find it amazing.